Dealing with depressed husband, in chronic pain, who gets annoyed.

[Loulou560]

I have DH and a three and four year old. They’re close in age but can be challenging, particularly at bed time. My DH gets annoyed that they just won’t go to bed on time alone. I try the whole bedtime story/ cuddle thing first, which admittedly is not working either. He suffers chronic back pain, and it must be awful. However I don’t agree with the way he speaks to the children. He says things like ‘these bloody kids’ in front of them. I feel on pins in case they make too much noise or a mess as this starts him off. I’ve never been physically intimidated by him, but I don’t like the way we end of parenting because of his short fuse.
Am I unreasonable to expect him never to get angry? (especially with the pain he can be in.)
We both work full time, but I’m more flexible and sort the girls’ school drops offs, getting ready, and meet all their needs.
Just wondering how others’ manage with partners in pain?
my DH doesn’t have good communication skills, and when I try and agree how we will approach bedtime that night, he says ‘I don’t know.’
Thank you

Well it's not a nice atmosphere for young children to grow up in, having a parent with a short fuse! And you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him in fear of setting off his temper.

If he's in pain with his back, that is for him to manage and get appropriate treatment for. He's an adult. It's not ok to be bad tempered with his children for something that they aren't responsible for.

If I were you, I'd be having a serious, sit down conversation with him and telling him that this situation can't continue. It's damaging for your children and you have a responsibility to protect them. If he's unwilling to address his behaviour, then you need to think seriously about separation. Your little girls deserve to grow up in a peaceful home without an angry man in it.

Surely he can be involved at bedtime reading stories. Shouting and swearing at or in front of the children is a form of emotional abuse and you are obviously rightly concerned.
I’m assuming he doesn’t shout and swear at work? If so he needs to control himself.

He really needs to have his back treated. GP, chiropractor, osteopath, weight loss, strength training- whatever sorts it out for him. He needs to take responsibility for this, as his pain having a detrimental effect on the whole family. I’m sure it’s awful for him but he needs to stop lashing out at other people in the meantime.

He sounds like a dickhead. Seriously 😒

I’m a parent with chronic pain and I am not saying I never get angry, everyone does but my DC don’t walk on eggshells. They know when I’m in bad pain I might be less enthusiastic or less flexible if I say it’s bed then it’s bed now rather than chancing “after this episode” or “can I have toast/hot chocolate/random thing” but that’s it.

Chronic pain can be awful, it can take over everything and absorb you if you let it but as a parent that simply isn’t an option. As a mum I can’t allow that to be the case I didn’t choose it, neither did my DCs so it’s not going to ruin their lives, your DH needs to realise that.

Does he not have pain relief from the doctors? Is there any pathway in place for his condition, I.e surgery, physio, etc?

This is all down to who your husband really is. My ex went down this path. I understand chronic pain all too well due to my own health issues. However, I never allow my children to suffer due to it. My ex was horrendous and liked to try and take his bitterness out on the children and myself. We all ended up walking on egg shells due to him and it caused so much damage. Ideally, your husband would be taking steps to try and manage his health. He more than likely won't due to who he is. Only bullies behave the way he is. This is not fair on your children. They will be all too aware of the general atmosphere and it will be damaging them. Of course they will end up unsettled especially at night. You need to put your children first

"In sickness and in health" is one thing, but if someone talked about my children like that and wasn't prepared to meet their basic needs, they'd be kicked out.

As someone with a chronic pain condition managing day to day is no walk in the park. My children are now grown up but now understand when I want to shut the door on everyone as the pain and everything else can be overwhelming. We’ve only gotten to be like this after years of trial and error. Living under 1 roof and giving eachother space has really benefited us as a family.

He might be depressed and in pain, but he is also a moody, bad-tempered arsehole who is unleashing his angry foul temper on his family.

Yes I damn well would expect him to contain his anger around his small children.

I have chronic pain both kids grown up I don't t think he should be talking to the children like this
But I can understand how pain works and it can make u feel angry and depressed I tend to hide away from people when in a bad flare because I don't want to be like this around people I guess it's harder with young children he needs better pain management thou so he can deal with both the pain and the children

He expects three and four year olds to just piss off and put themselves to bed?

I suffer chronic pain due to hypermobility and I have very rarely taken it out on my DC. If I have, I have apologised and promised to do better.

In short, your DH attitude stinks. Do you want to stay married to him?

I think you’re allowed to have absolute red lines like no swearing at or in front of the kids.

How he manages his pain is a different issue and shouldnt alter the red lines.

Getting together and setting some family rules can be a good discussion. Sometimes even little ones can contribute to this. Not necessarily coming up with things from scratch but maybe if you did a drawing of the house with its different rooms, and wrote some single words several times on bits of paper like ‘shouting’ ‘eating’ ‘cooking’ ‘swearing’ ‘sleeping’ and decide between you what can happen where, eg shouting is ok outside, or if watching an exciting TV event t together, but not shouting AT people, etc etc.

He works full time, but can't help you with bath time?
Seriously you got a lazy ass husband who is happy for you to do the graft with the children.
Create an emergency where he has to get them to bed...and watch him manage.

I have a quick moving , declining health issue which gives me chronic pain which is not treatable. I’m far far worse than your husband , to everyone . We don’t have children together. He has my fullest sympathy . I hope you can work together to address both your problems .

Expects them to "just go to bed on time, alone"?
Like say "night" go upstairs, turn the light off (!) get in bed and just go to sleep?

If this is what he means he's deluded quite apart from the arseholery, which is unacceptable.

I feel for you as my ex-p, father to the kids, thought it was 1903, I was the nanny and he'd have a tranquil 15 minutes a day slot to be a dad. It was a manifestation of the parent he wasn't. I left when they were 3 and 4.

Edited for typos

I don't agree with the way he speaks in front of your dc, but I feel for him. I suffer with chronic back pain and it's soul destroying. Unless you suffer with it you have no idea how bad it is.