Should I tell the truth to SIL?

[Shelby33]

H and I have had a lot of problems and will probably divorce.
He has a very complicated background, his father is a bully and BIL a narcissist. H has been emotionally abusive and keeps financial stuff from me.

About a year ago BIL informed me that he had been supporting H with payments of around £900 per month. Also, that my H had been taking money from PIL.
Just to add PIL are quite wealthy.
BIL also expressed his anger that we had bought new furniture for our house whilst he was supporting us financially.

When I confronted H he exploded, said that the £900 per month was from FIL money that had been invested not from BIL.
That BIL was lying and he was also getting money. FIL was paying their mortgage and also £350 per month gym membership.
Its all very complicated and there is a long backstory.

I have been in contact with WA and they confirmed that I am in an abusive relationship and are helping me.
I don't know if there was a fallout between BIL and H but they seem to be talking ok.

Its my belief that they are both getting funds from PIL but at the time BIL was making out that it was mainly him supporting us.

For lots of reasons I don't really talk to in laws. Haven't spoken to them since Jan when my DF passed away and they sent their condolences.

I also found out a few weeks ago flirty messages from my H to another woman. This is the second time this has happened. I'm in the process of getting my ducks in a row.

SIL is very sweet, but she adores BIL and can see no wrong in him, she very much dances to his tune.
So to my problem, SIL messaged me yesterday, I haven't opened the message fully but she was asking how I am and how long it's been since speaking and "life is just so busy"

Im not sure if I should ignore her message? Keep it short and just say all ok? Or say that H and Bil have caused me hurt and anxiety around money lies and I'm also facing seeing my H flirty with other women ( again)?

What would your advice be please?

I would say zilch about money.
I might say something about what is making me sad. Only in person.
Never forget that you are leaving her family and she is staying. She sounds like a good person to meet for a cup of tea.

I think anything you say to her will get back to her husband and yours. I wouldn’t tell her anything right now. Focus on you, and the plan to leave. If you need to reply just agree yes life is so busy and you’ll have to arrange to meet soon (non—committal). I’d just be prepared for even more angst if you tell her anything about what’s been going on.

So do you think I should reply bright and breezy with maybe an invitation for tea?

She is a lovely person but is very much controlled by BIL ( although she doesn't see it or doesn't care?)

I don’t understand why you’d wish to ignore her, what on earth has she done wrong?

And she doesn’t need to know your husband is a cheat.

She hasn't done anything wrong to me, but she is very much team BIL.
I'm just sick of yhe lot of them to be honest. The fact that they have all lied to me for years about financial stuff and my BIL anger that I have been spending money whilst he has been "supporting my family"
Everything is always swept under the carpet.

When I caught my H years ago I left him for a while but came back after his pleading things would change. At the time I thought he had told them what had happened.
But now I'm suspicious that he didn't and painted it that I was being dramatic.

I guess I just want them to see how hurt I am?

Of course she’s team bil, she’s his wife for gods sakes and right now you don’t know if he’s lying or your husband is. Quite frankly your bil could be telling you the truth. You’re in there wanting to shoot the messenger,

your husband is the issue, not your sil.

I do know this, but she was aware of the financial arrangements.
At the time BIL wanted to meet and discuss everything. I said this wouldn't be appropriate without H there.
SIL agreed, we were going to all sit down and discuss but H became ill and then it was swept under the carpet.
As I said there is a long backstory but I'm angry that they all kept this from me.
So I don't see her as innocent.
I also need to know the financial situation, I've been so worn down with it all, my whole marriage has been a lie.
BIL and SIL seem to think that I've been spending their money on my house when I didn't have a clue.
BIL had also basically accused my H of stealing money from PIL when they have been taking money too!

Keep it bright and breezy. She might well be utterly happy being in the family and snitching to them to keep her position safe.

Have a with her
Bright and breezy
But be very careful not to make a slip - you are still getting ducks in a row
If you think you will confide something, do not meet
If you think she may know something, play your cards close to your chest
Get the financial info you need
That's it
🍀

I would reply in a very neutral way - yes life very busy, hope you're well etc but don't tell her anything about your financial or marital situation. You can probably be fairly sure that anything you say to her will get back to BIL and FIL. Don't agree to meet up for a coffee or anything. If you are planning to divorce, these people will not be in your life any more. Keep your distance.

Thanks for the replies. I will keep it bright and breezy and not disclose anything.

I guess I've just been angry and wanted to explain that their family dynamic has caused me stress.
Also, that their darling son isn't so innocent.

Btw H knows our marriage is over

I'd be wary of sharing anything personal with her. A clean break from the whole family is probably best, and whilst you're making arrangements to leave everything is best kept under wraps so nothing gets in your way.

She’ll report anything you say to her straight back to your BIL. There’s every chance he’s put her up to this — this is what narcissists do, they send out their flying monkeys to get the information they can’t get themselves. I’d be cheerful and upbeat but say nothing of importance. I would not invite her to tea and would keep her at arm’s length while this is playing out.

I’m sorry you’ve lost me totally, I fail to see how she is the issue as your husband lies to you and cheats on you. It is not her place to tell you it is your husbands.

i do find it abhorrent when it’s if there is a woman let’s blame her. Whomevers money you and your husband have been living off, it is on him to tell you, her family have not caused you stress, your husband has.

and honestly I’m not sure you are leaving. I understand you say you are, but there is a hollow ring to it.

Well, you seem to me blaming me in this.

She was compliant in the lies being told to me. She was aware that her H had accused mine of stealing family money. She was agreeing that I should y spend money on my house whilst her mortgage was being paid and theirs all spa gym membership was being paid too.

I know my H is at fault but she has also carried on these lies. I also know everything I say will be relayed back to ILS and I don't care.
My H has been painting me as some unstable woman to them for years so maybe I would get some satisfaction of telling them the truth and that I think they are hypocrites.
BIL has been bleeding them dry for years and I'm not allowed to update a 20 year old sofa?

And as for the goading about leaving my H, I guess you have never been in an abusive relationship? How hard it is to first recognise and second leave?
But, I am finally putting things into place, which is why I don't really give a dam about giving them some home truths.

You really aren't that sweet are you Caroline?

I replied bright and breezy and kept it short.