Struggling with feeling unlovable during separation from my husband

[OneWarmHazelQuail]

I'm in the process of separating from my husband. I find it hard to think that the person that probably knows me best in the world despises me and thinks so badly of me. Wondering what that says about me as a person - finding it hard to overcome this. It feels as though I am unlovable, a waste of space etc

Does anybody have any advice? Any way I can reframe? I am an overweight mum of 2 young children, with ADHD, no friends and can't drive. I'm pretty useless on multiple fronts

Why do you think he despises you? You don't need validation from him anyway. You've brought 2 children into the world and take care of them. That's no mean feat.
It's not important whether you can drive. It's expensive and contributing to pollution.
I'm sure you have many qualities but just can't see it now because of what you're going through. It'll get better.
Do you think you've lost your confidence due to separating?

He treats me and looks at me with such disdain. He thinks I'm "psycho", "greedy", "lazy" etc.

I think I have always pretty low self esteem but the idea of someone deciding I'm worthless having spent so much time with me, feels quite sad.

I'm no oil painting so without looks or good personality, it feels like it will be a lonely 30+ year future.

You can be a wonderful person, but not the rigtht person for him.
Did he actually say he despises you...or are you taking from his words what suits how you currently feel? There's a huge difference.

So, you currently have a VERY low self opinion of yourself. What in this whole world is great about you. Think deep.

I suspect that you have spent far too long putting yourself down. FFS, you are wonderful person, you can be who you want!

So, name all the issues that you feel.....

That will truly help us help you. x

I get it, OP. Being rejected by the person who knows you so well is a deep cut.

I think the answer has two parts:

1 your self worth and self esteem needs to come from you. You are pretty mean about yourself in your post. You need to find a way to be your own biggest fan. Be kind to yourself. Uplift yourself. This is important.

2 stop giving a shit about what that dim bastard thinks. What does he know? Nothing. Who cares what he thinks? Not you. He's a knob, and we are not currently taking on board opinions from wanky knobbers who don't bring us joy.

He treats me and looks at me with such disdain. He thinks I'm "psycho", "greedy", "lazy" etc.

Oh and he's the God on earth? Get rid then restart your life. You're not a psycho, your not greedy and not lazy. He's an arse.

OK so, you're no oil painting in your words. Neither am I. Get yourself a decent haircut for a start (everyone needs one). Then get an eating plan or join weightwatchers if your a bit overweight (I am). You don't have to a massive reinvention all at once. Baby steps grow into massive steps.

Right, you need to move on. You're a good mum, not a bad person, shove all the previous shit out the door and you can do it. Don't let some old crap man ruin your life. I believe you can do it and you won't be lonely, just don't jump into another crap deal because you think you can't do it on your own. You can xxx

He thinks I'm "psycho", "greedy", "lazy" etc

I think it’s safe to say he does have disdain for her and sounds a vile man tbh.

OP, was he always like this? Did you ever feel truly respected and cared for by him? Or did he exploit your low self esteem?

Some men are incapable of true love and marry women and have kids as a “thing to pass the time” until they get bored and maybe find a new shiny thing.

It’s unfortunate but the point is they never planned to stick around anyway. So it’s not really about you. And if he speaks to you like that, he’s a very nasty person so try not to value his opinion.

But I can appreciate how hurtful it is and it will sting for a while.

He is probably looking for ways to justify to himself why he’s walking out on his young family.

Is there any way you can look into clubs? Even if it’s a virtual club doing some kind of online activity or hobby where you can connect with others and maybe make a friend or two.

People can say the cruelest of things particularly when a relationship breaks down. If you are raising children and navigating a difficult ending you are a strong and capable person. It sounds like his words are designed to cause pain but try not to absorb them. They are about him, not the wonderful person and mum you are. Give yourself lots of kind words and keep moving through these storm clouds.

He probably is looking at you with distain, to push his guilt anger at himself onto you.
People often blame others, after all he choose to be with you, so he must have found you lovely before.
Chin up get out there and enjoy your day, you are wonderful, what a silly man he is for disliking the mother of his children.
I think you sound a very thoughtful person, his view on you is not the only view of you.

@Tigercrane good reply . He is putting you down to ease his guilt. In time you will feel better without him. I found the stress of separation caused me to lose weight without really trying to. Get a good haircut and a few new things if you can . When the children are in bed start a basic beauty routine as you won’t be spending time looking after a third child! I found I started listening to my favourite music again . If the children are in school try and find something to join like an exercise class or choir to meet people . If they are very young I was a member of a fab mother and toddler group where I met women who are still friends many years later .Change the house round to something you like . Make sure he shares the childcare and pays maintenance if not 50/50 care . Look forward to a better future .

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