Does fantasising about having an affair mean my marriage is over?

[unsolicited]

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 12 years and we have two children together.

We are going through a really awful, dark and lonely patch. Complete loss of communication, I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him, everything he says and does annoys or upsets me and it’s probably the same for him too. It descends into awful arguments every time we try to talk about things. Couples therapy is out of the question as we are struggling financially and he thinks it’s a load of mumbo jumbo anyway.

There is someone at work who I have known for years and recently I’ve been fantasising about having an affair with him. I have no idea if this is reciprocated nor will I try to find out. It’s just the fantasy of someone noticing me and wanting me that’s overwhelming.

I’m not going to act on my feelings but does the fact that I’m having them mean I should leave my husband? I’m so confused. I don’t want to tear my children’s lives apart or only see them half their lives.

You sound really unhappy OP. I don’t think it’s about this other man really is it? It’s more distracting yourself from how things are at home.

I don’t think a fantasy means you should leave your husband, but I think your unhappiness means something has to change.

I don't think the fantasy itself is the issue. It's understandable that if you are not getting positive attention or care, you dream of having it from elsewhere. As long as it remains strictly a fantasy, then it's not a problem as such. However it is a symptom of the state of your marriage, and that may be hard to fix.

This really. As I think you are aware, the fantasy is a symptom and mental escape from bigger issues in your marriage.

The fantasy isnt the problem, probably everyone has some fantasy - they are often quite inappropriate, but that's why it remains a fantasy!

Rather you need to work at the relationship. I completely empathise with what you have described and until recently had something similar. It had got to the point I could not see any way back.

But we kept trying and somehow made it. We are now communicating better, spending more time together, intimate again etc. Its wonderful.

Regardless of the origin of the situation, I now realise that we had both fallen into negative habits / cycles which kept reinforcing the situation.

Are you doing this, falling into the same negative routines or thought processes? You mention you find him annoying etc?

It sounds like you are trying to fix things but perhaps a lack of patience / tolerance from both parties is blowing up your efforts before they can take root?

I don’t think it matters whether the e fantasy is a symptom of the problem, or unrelated.

The problem is the problem. Death of communication means death of the relationship. If he won’t go to couples counselling, remind him how costly divorce is.

Marriages all have shit patches. Things can get better (not if someone is actually a dick and never accepts the or changes) Is he actually being shit or are you just getting more annoyed with him? What age are your kids? What other stresses have you each got on just now?

Aw op, I have no advice sorry, but you have literally just described my marriage 😞

We are going through a really awful, dark and lonely patch. Complete loss of communication, I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him, everything he says and does annoys or upsets me and it’s probably the same for him too. It descends into awful arguments every time we try to talk about things

I think this is probably more likely to mean your marriages is over then a work place crush.

You'd make the children's lives better by being a happier mum. I was in your shoes 7 years ago. I left him,,, took the kids, it was amazing, never looked back. Don't stay, you get one life.
Xx

Thanks for all your replies, it makes me feel less lonely. I try to talk to my mum and sister about it but they just say things like ‘you can’t leave him, what about the kids’. My close friends are mainly divorced and/or deeply unhappy in their relationships too so we probably only rile each other up 😅

@NewDogOwner our children are 4 and 2, so I do still feel in the trenches with them. We do have a lot of stresses, I have a demanding job, my husband is self employed and struggling, financially things are hard, we don’t have much in the way of support with the kids etc. So I can see how we have ended up like this.

My biggest concern is that everything that I used to find endearing about him I now resent, and I think that’s all on me really. When we first met I loved being the one who organised things, booked the trips etc and he just tagged along. 12 years later I hate being the only ones doing these things so for him I guess he’s wondering what’s changed. He’s still the same man who will never plan exciting things, take the initiative etc so I guess it’s on me to decide if I’m ok with that for the next 40 years or if I want more from life. I just feel awful that I’ve brought two children into the middle of this.

Agree the fantasy is not the problem. That's perfectly normal in a healthy relationship. It's just in your head. What is problematic is your loneliness in the marriage and the fact you are not communicating with your DH about it. Maybe start there. Don't mention the fantasy. That's probably keeping you sane!

@Sunshineandgrapefruit it really is keeping me sane but I worry it will slip into an obsession 🤔

I think I need a hobby to distract me!

No one can predict what a marriage is going to look like 12 years later, so much will have happened in that time, i guess you have to decide whether you think the marriage is saveable or not, can you both bury your resentment and move on or have too many things happened.

Having fantasies about an affair with a work colleague are normal, probably triggered by that person being nice to you or giving you the attention you’re not getting at home, as people tend to spend a lot of time at work these days it’s easy to build those kind of work bonds.

I have had very similar thoughts but i know it’s definitely because i crave the kind of affection that’s missing from my marriage, there’s nothing wrong with it providing you don’t overstep the mark and allow it to become a physical relationship, a bit of flirting is human nature and if it makes you feel better then great.