I’m really struggling with a situation in my marriage and would appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.
My husband and I have been together for around nine years, and before we had our first child, we had always talked about having two children. We never had a big discussion about whether we wanted one or two, it was just what we'd always assumed our family would look like.
Our experience of becoming parents, however, was incredibly difficult.
Our daughter's birth was traumatic. My husband genuinely thought I was dying, and I think that experience affected him much more deeply than either of us realised at the time.
Then we had an extremely difficult baby. She cried constantly whenever she was awake and was incredibly difficult to settle. At the same time, I had major breastfeeding difficulties and was actually advised to stop, but I was trying to persevere. It was an exhausting, emotionally intense period for both of us.
My husband really struggled. He became incredibly reactive and sensitive to everything, including things that probably wouldn't normally have been a big deal. Around six months in, I got to the point where I was genuinely questioning our marriage and whether we were going to be able to do this together. I told him that something had to change because I couldn't continue carrying both my own emotions and his on top of caring for a very difficult baby.
Things did eventually get better, and he did make a lot of changes. He pushed through an awful lot, even when he was struggling himself, and I do give him a huge amount of credit for that.
But our daughter was also extremely attached to me. For basically the first two years of her life, she wanted me for everything. She would often reject my husband, struggle to settle with him and generally prefer me. That was obviously incredibly difficult for him emotionally, and I tried very hard to understand that and give him space to feel sad about it.
But it was also incredibly difficult for me because I felt like I was constantly managing three people's emotions: my own, our daughter's and my husband's. I was trying to keep the whole household functioning while also supporting him through feeling rejected by his own child.
Thankfully, things are very different now. He has a great relationship with our daughter, and he is a good dad. We are also in a much better place as a family. But I think the experience left a much deeper mark on him than perhaps he has ever really dealt with.
He has never spoken to anyone about what happened. He would absolutely refuse counselling or therapy and doesn't believe he needs it, so I don't think he's ever really processed the birth or those first couple of years beyond simply getting through them.
And throughout those first two years, we both said the same thing: I don't think I could ever do this again. We joked that one-and-done sounded great. At the time, I genuinely meant it. Then our daughter turned two, and something changed for me.
Once we were out of the trenches, I started thinking about having another baby again. I didn't immediately tell my husband because I wanted to be completely sure. I also knew he would react badly, because I knew how strongly he felt about not going through that experience again. But eventually I realised that I genuinely do want another child.
The thing is, I haven't suddenly decided I want something completely different from the life we planned. We had always talked about having two children. It's more that, once the trauma and exhaustion of the first couple of years had faded, that desire came back for me.
It hasn't come back for him.
He feels that I have completely changed the terms of the life we agreed to. He feels angry and resentful towards me for changing my mind, and the difficult part is that this anger isn't just about conversations about having another baby. I feel like he is generally pissed off with me at the moment. He has acknowledged that he knows some of his anger probably isn't fair, but essentially says that this is just how he feels. And that's where I'm struggling.
Part of me completely understands why he feels angry. I can understand why he looks at me and thinks, we survived that, we agreed we wouldn't do it again, and now you're asking me to go back into it.
But another part of me thinks: I didn't deliberately deceive you. I didn't know I would change my mind. And I don't think changing my mind about something this fundamental makes it fair for you to be angry with me in general.
He is now saying that he is worried that, if we had another child, he would resent me for it. Not just during the difficult newborn stage, but potentially for the rest of our lives.
He's even talked about being frightened that if something went badly with the child, if they had a disability, were autistic, experienced trauma, or anything else difficult, he might blame me because I was the one who wanted another baby. That is obviously stressful for me to hear.
I absolutely do not want to force him to have another child he doesn't want. I understand that his first experience of parenthood was traumatic and that he is terrified of repeating it.
But I also don't know how I'm supposed to respond to the idea that I should give up something I now deeply want because he is still carrying so much fear from our first experience, particularly when he hasn't really processed that experience in any meaningful way.
And the timing makes this feel even more impossible. We had always imagined roughly a three-year age gap, and we're now at that point. If we wait indefinitely while he tries to work out how he feels, that isn't neutral for me. The age gap we wanted is already disappearing, and waiting could ultimately mean giving up the possibility of another child altogether.
I don't want to pressure him. I don't want a reluctant father. I don't want to bring another child into a situation where one parent feels trapped and resentful.
But equally, I don't know how I can simply say, okay, then we won't have another, without potentially carrying enormous grief and resentment myself.
It feels like we're both stuck. He feels I changed my mind and therefore changed the future we'd agreed on. I feel that I genuinely didn't know my feelings would change, and now I'm being asked to give up something fundamental because his experience of becoming a parent was so traumatic.
I don't think either of us is likely to magically change our minds.
So I'm really interested in hearing from people who have been in this position, particularly where the first experience of parenthood was genuinely traumatic for one partner.
How did you get through it? Did one of you eventually change your mind? Did you remain one-and-done? How did you deal with the resentment and anger between you while trying to make such a huge decision?
And how do you distinguish between understanding someone's very real trauma and fears and accepting that those fears are now determining the future of the whole family?
Thanks in advance!