Am I in a toxic marriage or facing unfair expectations at home?

[Plateplaingreen60]

I just would appreciate advice. I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees. Am I stuck in a toxic marriage? My husband isn’t that kind to me. And he has recently admitted it’s because I don’t do enough - he thinks - around the house. I don’t work. Because of serious PND I experienced with my son being born 5 years ago thst developed into depression. And we both wanted our son to have a full time parent. I cannot cook well, never have been able to. And he often shouts at me because I don’t cook him dinner. He likes foreign foods I would never be able to cook. I have gone through times of cooking him basic English food.
I have suffered from depression since having our son and find motivation an issue. I have asked for understanding with this and although his words are yes his actions are the opposite. I don’t think it’s fair however for him to be openly hostile and unkind, sometimes not speaking to me for weeks at a time because he doesn’t think I do enough around the house. I get the impression he thinks he can treat me as he wishes because he is the provider. And - he knows what he is doing as he has openly said he would be nicer if I did more for him. Something he has said before to me about sex.

He works hard but has his own time to play sports, take his own holidays and he constantly tells me we have no money but I have no idea how much we have month to month.
Because we had argued I stopped ironing his clothes. He balled me out infront of our son and made threats that unless I did his ironing I should find a job - despite the reasons I don’t work. He ignores me when I cry. Doesn’t help me if I am ill. Never buys me gifts or even a card. We used to love each other. But I feel trapped and I feel like I’m asking a question I know the answer to. We have been together 20 years.

Get out

It sounds pretty toxic at home, but are you getting any treatment for your depression?

I'm not unsympathetic, but it sounds like you don't work, don't cook, don't do much around the house and blame everything on not being able to or motivated to. In 20 years it doesn't seem impossible to have learned to cook. It's a basic life skill.

That's a lot of pressure to put on the other person in the relationship. He sounds like he's tired of being with someone who isn't pulling their weight. What are your plans for the future re work?

I agree with this.

To be completely real with you, I can see why five years of depression and uneven work split (being the only provider AND being responsible for everything at home) would create genuine strain.

It's hard to say if your DH is simply a burnt-out spouse fed up with carrying the entire load, or if he's being abusive. I'd love to know his view on this situation. He would probably say that you desperately need a reality check about taking charge of your own health and life.

But there is also a massive line between frustration and emotional abuse. Basic human kindness is not a prize you have to earn. Stop waiting for him to change and stop sitting around passively all day long. Focus on getting yourself real medical help for your depression.

I also think you should plan to leave I don’t like that he calls you out and shouts at you in front of your son. He also needs to be clear on what money is coming in and give you access.

Conversely 5 years is a long time to live with someone who is depressed- how are you helping yourself to get better? what did the GP say? who have they referred you too? has medication worked? have you used self help guides / tools? If your son is 5 now - he will be at school which gives you time to get well.

What housework do you do each day and what else are you struggling with? what are your plans for work - your H cannot keep holding the financial burden and sometimes work can be helpful in this scenario.

I agree with pp’s.
He absolutely shouldn’t shout at you or mistreat you in anyway and you should have access to whatever moneys coming in.
However, without being unsympathetic, if you don’t work, don’t cook or do housework what do you do all day?
Are you having treatment for your depression? Im
not defending him at all but it’s hard work living with someone with depression, on top of that he’s the main breadwinner and doing most things around the house.
Do you have any plans for returning to work in the future?

He’s out of order but what do you do??

I can see why he's getting frustrated, but now that's turning into abuse.
You might find that your depression gets a lot better if you leave him. But first you have to get proper help for yourself. Five years is a long time to be too depressed to do anything.

Well he certainly doesn’t sound the nicest man in the world but that being said being married/in a relationship with someone who suffers from long term ”depression” with no end in sight and who isn’t “motivated” to pick up the slack at home would make most people miserable and short tempered

if you don’t like him/love him then leave….but then you’d have to get a job so….

What did you do before your son was born?