Living together long term whilst separated

AgentDanaScully · 2026-09-10T17:32:28+00:00

Can anyone share their stories (good or bad!) of having done this please? My situation: with DH for over 20 years, both mid-40s, two teenage children (15 & 13). We have drifted apart, don't want the same things in life (usually, how and when we spend money is the sticking point) and I am no longer in love with him. Haven't had sex in over a year. BUT we get on well as friends and function well as a family unit. It feels like we are roommates/friends who co-parent. Separation would tear my DCs' worlds apart. Eldest is autistic and struggles to adapt to change. Would not cope well with switching between different homes. I am thinking we could stay living together (move into separate rooms) until DC finish school. However, I worry about the practicalities of how this arrangement would work e.g. if one of us met someone new! We would obviously have ground rules e.g. not bringing new partners into the family home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2026 18:46

Your current h could well say no to this proposed arrangement.

What would happen when dc finish school?. You both separate formally then?. If so that’s just kicking the can down the road.

Do not readily assume that separating now would tear your kids world apart. They are not daft and they know on some level that all is not well between you both. They pick up on the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you two.

Living apart together could become really confusing for the kids and not good for either of you as individuals. Boundaries get further blurred and either one of you could go onto disregard ground rules . Your kids should not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce as knowledge is power. I would seriously consider making a clean break sooner rather than later.

ScorpionLioness79 · 10/09/2026 19:47

Sometimes assumptions aren't accurate, such as that your autistic child would poorly adapt. When my kids were teens we moved to a new city and I thought the older child would have a harder time, but she was quite happy and the younger one took longer to adapt.

A divorce comes, of course, with a lot of changes for a family. Everyone will have to adapt. Maybe have faith that everyone will learn to adapt. You can be helping out during the process with discussions about coping skills and using positive reinforcement like letting them decorate their new bedrooms in a new space, and letting them sometimes have input in meals ahead of time and which special activity they'll engage in--helps for them to look forward to going to the other house.

Take care.

Farla · 10/09/2026 20:47

I can't advise, but I'm in a similar situation myself. Have lived in the spare room on and off for last few months, and last weekend I moved there permanently; ie. Moved all my personal belongings out from the bedroom I used to share with DH. I would like a divorce but Dc will be sitting important exams in the spring so I'm trying to hold it together until then... we get on well with DH, i still care of him but we have just grown apart , similar to what you described.. we could keep living like this for a long time... Husband is desperate to try to save our relationship but for me it seems impossible, it is just kicking the can down the road.. but this is how it will be for few months at least. I don't see anything wrong with taking it slowly and lsharing the house while you all get used to the idea of separation, and work out the practicalities. You know your DC better than anyone here, but they may surprise you! I am terrified of the thought that my Dc might choose to stay with DH full time if/when we separate, as he wants to keep the family home and would buy me out...all i could afford here is a 2-bed flat at most, so the kids probably wont see the attraction of living there every other week. .so im kind of stuck. I wish you all the best, hope it works out in the end...

PickFlowersNotFights · 10/09/2026 21:10

We separated just before Covid and then with restrictions and house buying impacts we shared for just under 2 years. It was fine as still got on ok but I wouldn’t do it long long term. I wasn’t interested in dating although ExH was on the apps but never made it obvious and nobody came to the house at all.

i do think ripping the plaster before you are fully into GCSE and A levels would probably be best though.

Catza · 10/09/2026 21:32

What's going to change when your children finish school? They are not going to become more adaptable on the day of graduation. I think you are fooling yourself because you are afraid of change, which is perfectly ok. But there will always be an excuse - "kids start uni, can't possibly spring this on them in their first year", "They are sitting their final exam, let's wait till they graduate", "Mathew just embarked on his PhD and Susan is having her first baby, they need stability and support"... Timing will never be right. What might work better instead is to actually be honest with your kids and help them prepare for a change.
ETA: lived with my ex for 6 months after breaking up, all was wonderful until it wasn't and now we don't speak at all.

Original poster

AgentDanaScully · 10/09/2026 22:55

PickFlowersNotFights · 10/09/2026 21:10

We separated just before Covid and then with restrictions and house buying impacts we shared for just under 2 years. It was fine as still got on ok but I wouldn’t do it long long term. I wasn’t interested in dating although ExH was on the apps but never made it obvious and nobody came to the house at all.

i do think ripping the plaster before you are fully into GCSE and A levels would probably be best though.

Thank you. Unfortunately, it is a bit late for that as eldest has just gone into Year 11 so sitting GCSEs this academic year. But maybe after exams. 9-12 months sounds much more realistic than 5 years.

OP posts:

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 10/09/2026 23:03

An important aspect is that when DC get to 18 it isn't suddenly OK to split and change the households. Especially if you both get a smaller place and neither household is big enough.

Original poster

AgentDanaScully · 10/09/2026 23:04

Farla · 10/09/2026 20:47

I can't advise, but I'm in a similar situation myself. Have lived in the spare room on and off for last few months, and last weekend I moved there permanently; ie. Moved all my personal belongings out from the bedroom I used to share with DH. I would like a divorce but Dc will be sitting important exams in the spring so I'm trying to hold it together until then... we get on well with DH, i still care of him but we have just grown apart , similar to what you described.. we could keep living like this for a long time... Husband is desperate to try to save our relationship but for me it seems impossible, it is just kicking the can down the road.. but this is how it will be for few months at least. I don't see anything wrong with taking it slowly and lsharing the house while you all get used to the idea of separation, and work out the practicalities. You know your DC better than anyone here, but they may surprise you! I am terrified of the thought that my Dc might choose to stay with DH full time if/when we separate, as he wants to keep the family home and would buy me out...all i could afford here is a 2-bed flat at most, so the kids probably wont see the attraction of living there every other week. .so im kind of stuck. I wish you all the best, hope it works out in the end...

Thank you; I hope all works out for you too. My DH thinks the relationship is salvageable but he doesn't make any where near enough effort! Eldest has GCSEs this academic year so definitely won't making any big changes before then.
Like you, I also worry that my DCs might choose to live with him. They are old enough to decide and I would respect their choice but feel absolutely devastated if this happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

AgentDanaScully · 10/09/2026 23:07

Catza · 10/09/2026 21:32

What's going to change when your children finish school? They are not going to become more adaptable on the day of graduation. I think you are fooling yourself because you are afraid of change, which is perfectly ok. But there will always be an excuse - "kids start uni, can't possibly spring this on them in their first year", "They are sitting their final exam, let's wait till they graduate", "Mathew just embarked on his PhD and Susan is having her first baby, they need stability and support"... Timing will never be right. What might work better instead is to actually be honest with your kids and help them prepare for a change.
ETA: lived with my ex for 6 months after breaking up, all was wonderful until it wasn't and now we don't speak at all.

Edited

You're absolutely right- I am terrified of such a big change, and of making a wrong decision! There will always be an 'excuse' not to leave.

OP posts:

Catza · 11/09/2026 08:26

AgentDanaScully · 10/09/2026 23:07

You're absolutely right- I am terrified of such a big change, and of making a wrong decision! There will always be an 'excuse' not to leave.

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It's good that you realise this. I think this is something to focus on rather than trying to outsource to the external barrier. In situations like this, some individual relationship counselling may be very helpful just for you to get some clarity on the situation before you take the plunge.
Also, don't assume that you need to ferry kids between two places. Some couples I know made a decision to treat family home as their kid's residence. They rented a small flat nearby and adults switch every week. I know it is not feasible for everyone and may sound like a strange way to live but I know at least two couples who did that while kids were small and it worked brilliantly and everyone adapted pretty quickly.