Are these valid reasons for wanting to leave or am I being stupid throwing it all away?

[Sugarplum5]

Reasons for ending a long term relationship?
I have been with my partner for 20 years from late teens, 3 lovely children together. I have become emotionally checked out and been feeling like this for a long time, I have tried to raise this many times but he gets annoyed, states that we have good times and says I'm just in a mood. I can see why he gets confused because when he states how good we've been I start to think well he's right and then i get confused as to what I really want. For years I have done most of the parenting, all the appointments, school stuff (he's never been to any school event) homework, housework etc. He is a terrible provider financially and I end up paying for birthdays, school uniform, things we need, food, his excuse is he hasnt been paid yet but he pays for holidays, takeaways so that makes it ok! He is very selfish, does what he wants without thinking of me, I feel he puts his friends before me, lends them money. He isnt a monster by all means, he has never been unfaithful, is not physically abusive but can at times be verbally (especially when I bring up wanting to separate) he doesnt gamble or go out all weekend in fact his weekends are with us at home. This makes it very difficult for me to know whether I am doing the right thing. I know i would miss part of him, he is sensitive, he struggles with his nerves and uses alcohol to cope (not massively) we have nice family days out and nice holidays although he is difficult during these times as he is very impatient. We have been through some terrible things and he has always stuck by me. He is desperate to keep the family together, I know he loves me but nothing is changing, I am just not happy, I feel unsettled and feel better when he isnt around. The children have told me it bothers them when he is on at them for various things. We dont have a mortgage, we are also not married. What are people's thoughts? Am I stupid for wanting to leave?

he sounds like he is worried if you’ll leave he’ll have to actually look after himself? You’re more like his mother than a partner by the sounds of it

The fact that you feel better when he's not around suggests your living on a knife edge, as you've emotionally checked out i doubt there is a way back realistically, it's probably time to have the conversation with him and make sure you point out all the things that have got you to where you are now, i wouldn't tell you either way what you should do though, as only you will know what the right thing to do is...good luck i hope it all works out for you and you find your happy place.

He doesn’t want to change or listen to you and you saying he is not physically abusive, as if it’s a quality, says it all. You’ve been with this man for so long and you have forgotten or don’t know how it is to be treated nicely. He is minimising your feeling to save himself really - he doesn’t provide or do anything for the children. You need to ask yourself how he enriches your life?

OP - wanting to leave is it itself a valid reason for wanting to leave. You don’t need any other reason. You don’t need a list of his wrongdoings to justify it, your feelings matter. But for what it’s worth, I couldn’t be married to someone who (a) didn’t share the load with the kids - decent dads actually want to support their child in the school play and hear what is said at parent teacher evening; and (b) minimised my feelings and wouldn’t talk with me about why I was unhappy.

I don't think you listed any redeeming qualities yet. Essentially, your bar can't be much lower than this - he doesn't hit me and he is not a gambler...
What else he isn't
He is not a good father because he doesn't do any caring for his children and any day to day family management.
He isn't a good partner because he is actively putting more financial strain on you by squandering limited resources elsewhere.
He doesn't sound like a fun company because he can't keep his emotions in check when spending time with family.
He spends weekends at home with you but let me guess, is he watching F1 and playing computer games rather than doing anything active AND proactive with you and his children?

But even that doesn't matter. We don't need to vilify the man. We already have the most important piece of information - you are not happy. When I make any important lifechanging decision, I ask myself "will you be happy with this situation as it is right now for the rest of your life". Because chances are, nothing will change. If the answer to this question is no, then you have your answer.

Any one of those things would be an entirely valid reason, let alone all of them.

There is no confusion here. He's been using you left right and centre for years, and then dismisses everything you say by telling you everything is fine and you're just in a mood. His life is fine. He's got you for a skivvy, and you provide financially as well.

Time to give yourself an early Christmas present and start making plans to dump the insufferable twat.

Your kids and you feel better when he’s not strip d. That says it all really. He targeted you and deliberately so in order to mistreat you. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor life experiences and or past poor relationships, are being further harmed by this man now. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

When he’s not around you’re all happier!.

“I am just not happy, I feel unsettled and feel better when he isn't around”.
Enough said.

I think he is scared of being on his own. I often feel like he needs me, like he cant go appointments on his own I usually have to go with him because he is anxious, I mean a man with very little confidence isnt very attractive either is it

I agree. But he cant really see it himself, he makes excuses for how he is, points out his good traits as if that makes it any better to confuse me. I do worry about how he will cope if I do end this, I think this is what is holding me back the most. He says he has no purpose without us all

He does have some good qualities but the bad outweigh them. We spend our weekends taking the children out and doing things as a family. But again these days out can be stressful, he will rush us out the house, moan if we are not ready on time, spend the day with little conversation. He is better than he used to be but it is too late for me

I completely agree. Its embarrassing doing all the parenting alone especially going to school meetings, sports days etc

It can be the wake up call for him to finally stand on his own two feet. He’s a grown man, he can deal with the task of looking after himself.
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and your children.

It seems you have been approaching your conversations about ending your relationship with the hope that he will reach the same view as you. While that would make separating easier it doesn’t mean you have to stay until he agrees with you. It sounds as though the relationship has run its course and you and your children will be happier once you have separated.

You should not be with someone because they’ve done nothing catastrophic to blow up the relationship. The ONLY reason you should be with your partner is because you WANT to be with your partner!

If you don’t want to be with him, you need to leave him. Your happiness cannot be a sacrificial lamb to keep the peace or prevent change

Although it’s brutal and to the point this is actually good advice!

He will cope just fine going forward. Don’t let him
make you think he cannot cope without you. You have been propping him up at great cost to yourself .

You are not responsible for him, only your own self. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviour with him

I suspect he'd cope just fine. I was in a relationship like this with a guy who was very anxious and emotionally dependent (8 years but no kids). I didn't want to leave because I was worried that he wouldn't be OK. Eventually I left and he got a good job almost immediately 🙄

He is an adult and you are not his mother to worry about it. He survived somehow before you met him and he will survive after you leave. You have children to worry about, an adult men does not need the same consideration.
Saying that he has no purpose without you is manipulation. Or maybe it is the truth but so what. There are a lot of adults without a purpose out there. They either find it or they don't. Either way, it's not your problem.
Also, nobody is stripping him of his parental rights and responsibilities, so he can have a purpose. My guess is, he will swiftly forget that it was oh so meaningful for him.

Can you just quiet quit the marriage for a bit and expand your world outside of it? I think sometimes we think having the perfect relationship will make our lives better but that relationship doesn't really exist. It sounds like you have been the one putting all the effort in. Back off from him, do your own thing, stop having sex with him if you don't want to, join some groups and go out more on your own. He might start appreciating you more if he isn't getting everything for free. And at the very least you will have built a community around yourself for if you do separate.

It doesn't matter whether he can see it himself or not. You are not responsible for his welfare. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.