Leaving my relationship and completely overwhelmed with housing - where do I start

[coffeefirstthenyoga]

Not married and current in the Uk, East Sussex based

Hello, I was just wondering if I could get some support/advice because I feel completely overwhelmed with everything at the moment.
I’ve been trying to navigate leaving my relationship for a long time now. I have a five-year-old daughter and unfortunately I’ve had quite a lot of trauma in my life. I lost both of my parents when I was very young, and I think that has made situations like this particularly difficult for me.
After having our daughter, my relationship with my partner got progressively worse and I’m not seeing any real improvements. I’ve been waiting for council housing and I’ve been given C banding, but I’m worried that realistically I’m going to be waiting a very long time.
Having a normal job has also been quite challenging for me, but now my daughter is at school and there are morning clubs and after-school clubs available, I feel like I should be able to manage a job with more regular hours. At the moment I’m working for his mum, doing self-employed work, and it makes me completely miserable. I haven’t even been going in recently because I just can’t face it. I feel completely run down and absolutely exhausted from the relationship, and the little energy I have left goes into my daughter.
We’ve been living in a house owned by him and his mum. For years, he told me that when his mum came off the property, my name would go on and that would give me some security. However, it’s now time for the mortgage/property situation to change and things have become very difficult. He’s told me that he doesn’t want to be with me and that he’s unsure about me, and my living situation has suddenly become very uncertain.
I feel like he knows I don’t really have anywhere to go, and I feel that this is being used to unsettle me.
I’m looking into private renting, but I honestly don’t know how I would make it work. I’m not claiming benefits at the moment because my partner earns too much, but obviously if we separated my circumstances would be completely different. I don’t really understand how renting privately works when you’re on a low income/possibly needing Universal Credit, or whether I’d be able to get help with the rent.
I’m also autistic, and I really struggle when I don’t have a clear plan. I need to know what the steps are and what my options actually are, because at the moment everything feels like one huge, impossible thing.
I’m also really torn about where I should live. I could potentially move back to where there are a couple of family members, but it’s about an hour away. My daughter is so settled at her school and absolutely loves it, and I really don’t want to disrupt her unnecessarily. I also genuinely like where we live.
At the same time, I know that remaining in this accommodation with my partner isn’t necessarily the best thing for me or my daughter, especially when I don’t have any security here.
I’m just feeling completely lost and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar, particularly with leaving a relationship, getting private rented accommodation and moving onto benefits after separating.
I don’t necessarily need anyone to tell me what decision to make — I think I just need some help seeing what my actual options are and what I should be doing first.
Thank you all so much

First thing to clarify - are you married?

also sending a hug 💐

Also - just to confirm you are in the Uk? Are you in England?

Sorry, no I am not. I was told next year, and then the next year and I was naive enough to believe him. Thank you 💕

Firstly, get important documents, such as passports etc and keep them at a friend's if necessary. You need to get evidence of his income if possible too, as you'll likely need to go down the child maintenance route, and many men downplay their true earnings.

You're in a vulnerable position as you're not married, so you need to get advice quickly. You can get free half hour family law advice I believe if you shop around.

as you are not married you will have no claim to any of his assets such as the house.

if you choose to leave him you will have to leave and declare yourself homeless to the council. At the moment you are not a priority as you are not homeless. You may end up in emergency accommodation so be prepared for that if you do decide to leave.

in terms of what financials you would have access to - yes, you would be eligible for universal credit and child benefit and cms payments based on his salary. If you know how much he earns you can put it into the cms calculator. However depending on parental split and if this was 50/50 for example you are likely to not receive anything through cms. I would not make any plans to move further away at this time as I believe he would be able to contest this in court if he has parental responsibility.

as you are not married - just some other questions…

• is he on your daughters birth certificate?
• Do you have joint finances?
• do you have any savings of your own you can access.

I would also try talking to women’s aid. This sounds like financial abuse

You’re band C now because you’re housed at the moment with sufficient bedrooms etc so lower priority.

You need to leave your partner and declare yourself homeless to the council to access emergency housing provisions and a higher band. This may mean moving into a hotel or similar for a short time but it’s worth it for your long term freedom.

Once you’re broken up and out of the house it should be relatively easy to make a UC claim (not so much if still there as less easy to prove you’re a single person not a joint claim) and you can also apply for child maintenance payments from him.

He’s told you he “doesn’t want to be with you”?
ie he has broken up with you?
Sorry, your OP isn’t too clear.
Has he suggested next steps for the separation in a practical sense?

Do you have any savings?

I agree with others that you need to leave in order to be a priority with the council. Sending lots of hugs because I’m also autistic and the thought of just stepping into the complete unknown housing wise would be incredible stressful as we like predictable situations and routine. If you have savings, is there a hotel / airbnb somewhere nearby that you know and would feel ok moving into for a few nights? Or a friend you could stay with for a couple of nights, while you declare yourself homeless to the council?

If you are sure you need to leave (sounds like you do) then I wouldn’t worry too much about the thought of moving schools for your 5 year old a bit further down the line. At that age they seem to attached to everything but honestly she will adapt very quickly and form new best friends probably in the first week of starting a new school. Many children do not keep in touch with friends they made at 5, it’s just too young. It’s more beneficial in the long run to move her in order to get into a happier headspace yourself.

I would be careful of moving out of the house and leaving your daughter there. I imagine this would mean you would lose access to her until custody is sorted out, if your partner refuses access. Are you allowed to take her with you or is that deemed as kidnap or something? I don’t know how these things work. Maybe someone else can advise x

I can see a lot of advice here saying to "leave and declare yourself homeless". Before doing that, please get an appointment with citizen's advice bureau because I am fairly certain that, unless there is DV, once you move out the council will view you as making yourself intentionally homeless and won't house you.
CAB and woman's aid would be the first two organisations I would contact to discuss your options before you take any active steps.

Literally the first thing she said - not married

She edited it. 🙄🙄🙄 if you scroll down you will see it says edited. After my question I think she realised that information would be relevant. She added in her location too.

I was trying to be helpfut to the poster. What are you trying to be?? ‘Ohh look at me everyone I’m so clever!!!’

Thank you all so much for being incredibly helpful and for your kindness. I’ve read every message and I’ve taken them all on board. Glad to have this group for support.

Yes, I did edit my post, as I was a little bit emotional when typing it up and wasn’t thinking straight, so I didn’t add the relevant information.

It sounds like neither of you want to be together - so a discussion needs to be had about separating initially financially, you can claim universal credit whilst living in same home as long as you have seperate bedrooms and do not do things like cook for him do laundry etc, being on the housing list may be evidence as well you see seeking to live apart, if you are doing majority of childcare / parenting you need to talk about child maintenance and also how he / both of you are going to ensure your daughter is safely / adequately housed , as hopefully him and his mum will have your child's best interests at heart

You have my sympathy, you're in a daunting situation. Fortunately (or not) once you start putting the wheels in motion to leave, the next essential steps tend to show themselves.

When I split from my husband, I was unemployed and living in his home. You can claim Universal Credit as a single person once you've split up, even if you still live together.

Once you submit the claim, you will be invited into the Job Centre for an interview with an assigned work coach. They will talk with you about your circumstances. Since you are self-employed, they will need to see evidence of earnings.

Bear in mind, if your pay is under the table or the situation of your self-employment isn't fully legit, your ex-partner and his mum might get very agitated to know that you've submitted a claim, as the business will be put under scrutiny. Still, you need to put in your claim. If you earn under the earnings threshold (whether during or after the self-employment) you wll get some assistance with housing costs, and this will help you to afford private rent.

I would also prepare a bug-out bag, just in case: important documents for you and your daughter, overnight necessities. In case you need to leave quickly. My separation began very amicably, but when the reality of the situation hit my ex, he became very unstable very quickly, and I had to do a flit for my own safety.

Let a trusted friend or relative know that you are leaving your ex, that they can host you and your daughter overnight or longer, should that be necessary.

When I did my flit, on the way to my aunt's, I reported as homeless to the Council. I was already on the housing list as a Band C because prior to leaving I was "adequately housed" - I'm sorry, you're never going to reach the top of the list as a Band C. And I expected the Council to find me "intentionally homeless" (so in hindsight, I can't really remember why I went to see them, beyond a vague sense that I "should"). But, when I described the situation, the Council identified my situation as having elements of Domestic Abuse - I was allocated a caseworker, who helped me with benefits application forms, and told me about a referral-only Council scheme to place working people on the housing list with private landlords (I was in my first month with my new job by then).

My point is, there is help and support and guidance out there.

I am ADHD and autistic. When my thoughts are swirling, I find it so helpful to empty them onto a page. Here I identify what's a priority, what isn't, and where I'm lacking knowledge.

Try not to worry about your daughter's schooling, not yet anyway. It's a big, important topic, but it's not your immediate concern. She will be okay, even if you have to move schools.

Don't be afraid to tell your daughter's school that you and her father/step-father are separating. They will be prepared to support her emotionally, and that will give you some comfort.

Even if you move to a less desirable place, there is a real joy to be had in having and making a home that is just yours. I was once a homeowner, now I rent privately. I should be devastated, but I'm not.

I have kids too. We have 50:50 custody. The kids are fine (their dad's poor behaviour towards me hasn't extended to them).

So... Get your paperwork and finances together. Have a safe, temporary space to go to if necessary. Give yourself breaks to gather your thoughts (coffee and cake after each big appointment!) Speak with people, friends and professionals, because even if the separation happens as smooth as silk, it will still help to know that people have your back.

You can do this!