How to fall back in love?

[ReyRey12]

Long story short. Been with my bf for over a decade. We moved in together (in my home country) but at one point during the pandemic he went to visit his family (UK) and got stuck there and had to get a job, family stuff happened, work stuff happened, mental health took toll etc. so we have been doing long distance since.

He is now totally ready and willing to go full steam ahead. Move, get a new job/study, get married, buy the house, have the kids and the whole thing. Which requires a lot of changes for him and for us. However, I'm feeling very anxious now that it could be all happening. I've really looked into myself where the anxiety is coming from and I feel like at some point I kinda stopped believing that we will get to this point and kinda started to emotionally move on while in the relationship. I really want to make this work, without forcing it. Any advice on how to bring back the 'spark' or faith in the future?

You've been long distance for 6 years?? You'd pretty much have to start again from the beginning.

Of course we have seen each other, talked and spend time together. But yeah, we would somewhat need to start again.

If there is this much sense of trepidation at the start of building a life with someone, that’s a pretty reliable indicator that your instincts are saying it’s not right for you. However much time and energy has already been invested.

House, marriage, kids, these are all really huge things, and you owe it to yourself and your future to ONLY be going into them with
a sense of joy and confidence and excitement that it is really and truly what you want.

I wonder if the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ is a factor. That the relationship progressing was historically what you wanted for so long, and now that it’s possible, you feel you are committed to following through with that? Am guessing that age and country / cultures could also be playing a part.

I know all this isn’t answering your question, and it won’t be what you want to hear, but I feel like someone needs to say it, to give you permission to dig down into the complicated feelings you may be having. Wishing you well, OP.

I appreciate the kind answer. Don't worry, I've gone through every single emotion in my mind. I've decided to break up, I've decided to pack my bags and move to Thailand and live as a hermit, I've decided to move to UK, I've decided to get married, I've decided to just see what happens and any and every emotion. None of it feels good at this moment. I don't like the feeling of not trusting myself and I don't enjoy feeling anxious. Went for a walk yesterday and as I was looking at the houses I though to myself walking into one of them and bf there and it made me so happy. Then my bf sent me links to few things he could apply for and I just burst into tears and felt anxious. This thread was started last night when I was feeling good about us.

We have discussed sunk cost fallacy, but that does not ring true either. Age of course is a factor in all of this. We are not getting younger. It is not a pushing factor but it takes away the "wait and see" option.

Why not start by just living in the same country and dating and seeing how it goes. Have the conversation and say marriage etc completely off the cards for now, just see if you still both connect.

You've discussed sunk cost fallacy with him and it doesn't seem to be that?
Sounds like you have decent communication with each other.
Can you tell him that you have really got used to having your own space and that it's really worrying you that it's going to be difficult.
That you do want to try, but you want to be honest that it's scaring you right now.
See what he suggests. He might feel similarly.
If you both want to still try, I think he needs to come for a long holiday or trial period.
6 years is a long time

Marriage is not on the cards at the moment. That is not really the emphasis in general in our conversations. I don't think not living together is a realistic option and if we do decide that we will do the whole move thing then I am fine with living together. Also we would likely have to move cities anyway if he gets into school or work. We are not in a situation where he has a great work opportunity and he just takes it and we will happily date and see how it goes. We are looking up him quitting his job, him re-educating himself that costs a lot money, needing money on his account for visa reasons, likely working at a unskilled job until hopefully finding something relating to his career etc.

I have said all of this to him. I was just with him for a month so we do see each other regularly. Me telling how I feel put him into this panic mode and he is doing absolutely everything he can to 'prove' that he wants to move and this is what he wants. He wants us to be together and he is willing to do anything. He did suggest a trial period. He can be in the country for 90 days (well not even that cause we have been on holiday in Schengen). He is fine with quitting his job and letting go of his house and he is happy to move in with his dad until he gets a new job if we don't work out. While this is a very nice offer and I am considering it. I'm struggling with 'letting' him do this huge thing and something about there being a countdown clock and how would it be a representation of 'real life'?

Depending on the time of the day I can be very positive about our future. He is genuinly a great person. Then there is gloom and doom. And I am sure that talking about this online does not help with flip flopping. But it also is.

You have obviously thought a great deal about the whole thing and your replies above suggest you are hugely self-aware.

I wonder if it might in fact be a lot simpler than you believe? Ultimately, there is such a lot at stake and such a lot of pressure in the situation you and your chap are facing, there is an argument to say the ONLY basis on which anyone should try and make this work is if it’s a resounding, unequivocal, unhesitating YES! from both parties.

And if it’s anything less than that, then surely it’s a No 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thinking of your boyfriend too - nobody should be settling for a relationship where their partner is beset with anxiety at the prospect of building a life with them and has to be sort of talked into feeling ok about it. If he’s a decent bloke, he surely deserves to be with a woman who is thrilled at the plans he wants to make with her, and who enthusiastically joins in.

The dynamic sounds imbalanced - your chap sounds desperate and that desperation is obviously fuelling some needy behaviour which as we all know is a huge turn-off.

Gently - you are not responsible for his happiness. You are perhaps responsible for acting with authenticity and wholeheartedness, and making sound decisions that feel right for you and where you are now in your life.

I think the issue is that most people would do what you're doing now about 2-4 years into a relationship, where people are still in love and or have a good momentum. It makes sense to make big changes when you have love as a powerful driving emotion behind it....but now? Not so much.

You're now 10 years into a relationship and it sounds like you've been coasting along for a very long time and regarding him as a 'good enough for now' boyfriend, never thinking that tomorrow would actually arrive. It sounds like you care for him, but you're no longer in love with him and you feel deep down he's not The One.

That anxiety you feel is you putting breaks on something you know is wrong. It sounds like it's really panicked you that he's making or willing to make these big moves to be with you, and the guilt is starting to eat at you.

I think it's unlikely it'll improve. You know who he is. You're likely to feel really unhappy and he'll feel resentful that he's made such big changes to be with someone who doesn't want a committed life with him.

It is incredibly unfair to him. He is more than a decent bloke. He is pretty great. He has his faults, don't get me wrong. This is also on my mind how it is unfair to him. I actually said to my therapist that if I was in his shoes, I would tell me to fuck off. His 'desperation' has actually pushed him to fix other aspects of his life which I am happy about. Although goes into the same category that where was this a few years ago? But nothing

It is such a mindfuck. My logical mind says exactly what you wrote here. If it is not a yes, it is a no. He deserves better and we both deserve to have a solution. But then at times I am so happy thinking about our future and think how he will be at living room when I get home from work and I hate that we are not talking normally. Then today my heart rate got up when he told me about steps with his house. Then I burst out crying thinking that we won't be together. In any relationship before, I've known what I wanted. Then I get to maybe I am self sabotaging or something but tha's not really like me.

I am appreciating all the nice responses. I really didn't want to post online cause people tend not to be nuanced and they tend to be a bit too direct and forget there is a struggling human behind the screen so thank you. I am very tired.

I think you make very good observations. I do want to say that I've never thought he was 'good enough for now'. I have realised in the past year maybe that I did not expect tomorrow to arrive. But there was a time when we did have genuine plans, we did live together, we did start dating like 'normal' couples. I just lost faith at some point, unknowlingly. I do love him and I don't really believe in the one. There is a part of me that really wants to make it work. Then there is a part of me that wants to set him free. Then there is a part of me that knows it won't work and he will move and we will inetably break up. Then there is a part of me the is very conident that we will be together for ever. It is hard to be me sometimes 😅

When you really want something, it tends to be a driving force that propels you forwards and simplifies matters. The fact you're having so many doubtful feelings and thoughts suggests to me that he may be Mr Right on paper, and for maybe other women, but he's not, or is no longer Mr Right for you.