How do I set boundaries with 'new friend(?)'

[MissDostoevsky]

So in a charitable moment I got into a local community whatsapp group for struggling new mums needing advice and support from older mums in the neighbourhood. I offered extra portions of soup there for a pregnant woman who was struggling with mental health as her scans showed abnormalities - I really wanted to do something for someone other than myself or my husband/kids for a change which felt like doing something for the community - my sister told me it was not a good idea but I did not see any harm.

The pregnant lady ultimately never took me up on the offer for homemade soup all she wanted was supportive phone calls and help getting some financial assistance due to her current situation which I did help with links and signposting etc. But this one other lady on the group with a toddler, now keeps asking to come over , she has been over at mine twice in the past week and now has messaged to ask if she can come again tomorrow. Very clearly is not struggling, goes to gym in the evenings while her H gets the toddler from nursery and gets going with the evening chores, which is quite right but not really the right target for the charity stuff I thought I would be doing on the group - she has taken some soup and other food both times - and now I do not know how to say, the food was supposed to be for ppl who were sick on the day, or struggling - the whole idea seems sillier the more I think about it now, but in principle seemed a great idea at the time - my sister warned me ppl would misuse, and I did not believe her but now I think she may be right to say I told you so.

How to handle this? Please help me. I am such a people pleaser and this situation is new. I am almost 50 and this young mother is 30, I have never even had a friend outside my friend group in this way and that makes me even more confounded as to handling it. She gave something back in return that she had made one day, as if it was (whats the name of the TV programme where friends take turn cooking for each other, even though we barely know each other) but she gave something with gluten even though I had already told her I am gluten intolerant and then she said she had remembered that but had brought it anyway for the others in my house....as my teens were her 'pals' too ....this is getting a bit boiled bunny level and I have no one but myself to blame

She just wants to be your actual friend.

Oh dear. This reminds me of during Covid when my husband volunteered to pick up someone's prescriptions and drop them off. On one occasion while he was dropping off the meds the woman's adult daughter arrived to visit with the grandchildren. The woman said her daughter couldn't help her as she's "busy". We were busy working people with kids including a toddler - so that put an end to that!

I think you will need to be brave and say that when joining the group your offer to help with time and food was short term for someone in crisis and happily you don't believe she is in crisis.

You could say you feel it's better for her that she joins some baby groups/stay and play whatever and meets local mums rather than hanging out with you (perhaps you could send her to links)- and that you want to try to help someone in crisis. (Even I'd having had your fingers burnt you now actually done) If she says she's like to come I think you'll have to say "sorry I don't think that's for the best". Good luck.

Yeah, same as if you were going on initial dates with a new man and it wouldn't be wise for him to know your address, practice the same with women who are basically strangers. They might seem safer because they are moms, but that's not always the case.

It's really rude of her to invite herself over. Realize your people-pleasing ways only hurt yourself, and possibly extend to your family as well. You and your family come first. Tell this woman you've realized you made a mistake about setting up a dynamic you're not comfortable with, having people in the charitable community go to your home. You don't won't to set that precedent, so you're going to end that practice.

It's up to you if you want to continue on with the group with new boundaries in place, or to leave the group. If she continues to call and you're staying with the group, stick to the parenting advice and withhold more in depth buddy conversations. You can't give rude women like this an inch, or as you can see, they'll take a mile.

Agree with everything winter 2020 said.

I joined a local feral cats WhatsApp group to feed cats and report and illness.
When I met the organiser it was in her garden, big house and sheds. Turns out she travels a lot and wanted people checking on the house. I went home and said my availability had changed and I couldn’t help out.

Also cooking home made food for strangers is problematic as you have found with the return "gift". I wouldn't accept home made soup from a stranger that might have been blending rotten potatoes while their cats walk over the kitchen side. You are going to the effort of making it but there is a reasonable chance that she is just ditching it which is a waste of your time.

Could you say that your availability has changed? It's been lovely to meet her; you wish her well; for further support if needed she could approach her local HomeStart (and/or any other local groups you know if that would be appropriate)?

Sadly there will always be people who take advantage.... I tutor people on and off... And sometimes I do this pro bono when people are really obviously struggling.... Often I'm tutoring folk through access and uni..

I'm not well off..

Helped this woman... Initially paid... Much more work than anticipated as clearly undiagnosed dyslexic... Was OK with this... Encouraged her to get assessed and even with specialist uni tutoring she still asked me for help.

Couple of months after I stopped I bumped into her and she told me how she had just spent 22k on her upcoming wedding... 🙄😱..
So I had been paying for her wedding...

She’s lonely and wanted a friend, you basically put yourself out there as wanting the same… maybe she thinks you are lonely and need the company too.. just be unavailable for the next few weeks when asked. I don’t really think she’s done anything too weird.

Unfortunately we all had a little of the food she gave on Monday and now we are all feeling a bit under the weather, but that could be a bug one of the teens caught from high school ....

I don't want to get carried away with this off feeling , she could just be a perfectly nice person and I am always moaning how I never meet nice people enough - and yet it is terrifying to trust these days isn't it.

I have texted to say we are all a bit unwell with some bug, she asked if she can still come over and leave more food for me at my doorstep ! Have said thank you that is kind but no worries, already made enough for the week

Oh dear.......

Even if she were perfectly nice and lovely, and just lonely - I am not sure I want a friend who is closer in age to my DC than me......the point was just to help young mums struggling not to buddy up with them like this , asking to come over third time in a week, not even my close friends (the few I have) and I do that with each other with kids and work

Watching too much true crime as we all do these days, had sudden horrible thought, does she even have a toddler!? cannot find her on social media, arent her generation all on there.....

How about telling her you’ll see if you can find any other youngish mums for her to meet or signpost her to the nearest toddler group with and don’t have her over to your house again?