Adult DD in relationship with a much older woman - not sure if I am right to be concerned

[SpaDayDelights]

I have an adult daughter who is currently in a relationship with a much older woman. DD is 24 and the woman she is in a relationship with is 40. They have been together for a few months now. I have some concerns regarding the significant age gap between the two of them. DD has told me she is really happy within the relationship and how it's going between them, while my DH has said that large age gaps are much more common and accepted among LGBT couples. DD is a lesbian and we have always loved her and supported her from the day she came out to us. She is also an only child. We are very close. DH thinks I need to just stop worrying.

Aside from the age gap itself, there hasn't been anything that I've seen or heard about DD's girlfriend or her behaviour that would be a cause for concern. I think I am just worried that because they are at such different stages in their lives that it's just going to end badly. She has had one long-term girlfriend who was the same age as her, but they broke up last year. As I mentioned DD herself is happy and my DH has no concerns, so I seem to be the lone dissenting voice. I suppose I am looking for someone to tell me that either I am right to be concerned, or that I just need to give my head a wobble and let DD get on with living her life.

It might not last but it's no more likely to end badly than any other relationship undertaken by a 24 yo.
Just be supportive. If you see no signs of coercion, unhealthy behaviour etc then I think just let them enjoy themselves.

It's a bit grim, but its no more likely to end badly than 90% of other relationships.

Thats kind of how relationships work, you keep having ones that end badly until one doesn't end.

Its the bit before that I'd worry about. Age gap relationships always seem to have a bit of a power imbalance, the younger persons wants and needs get subsumed by the older person, and the younger person just slots into the older persons life.

There's no point you expressing your concerns about the relationship itself, you'll just put your daughter in the middle. Just try and encourage her to keep on with her life, on her timescales

At 24, she has to make her own decisions. If there's nothing to be concerned about apart from the sizeable age gap; then let it take its course.

If dd is happy then you support her. If/when they split, be there for her. If you see any signs of dd being mistreated, you explode! Same as any other relationship.

I’d have the same broad skepticism as I’d have with a straight couple: I’m 40 and I know several people in their mid twenties and can’t imagine going there. I had a relationship with a similar age gap when I was in my early twenties and whilst it wasn’t a bad relationship and there was no abuse, with hindsight and as an older woman I can absolutely see that having so much less life experience did place me at a disadvantage, and I think that my ex was certainly attracted to that, even if not consciously.

But, whilst you’re concerned that it might end badly - plenty of relationships end, often because of different life stages or ambitions, though that doesn’t mean it has to be badly. If it does end then DD will obviously be upset, but experiencing break ups and learning what does and doesn’t work for you in and from a partner is really just a part of navigating relationships. Right now she feels it’s a good relationship so letting her have that and the opportunity to see where it goes is part of being a supportive parent, despite concerns. She clearly feels able to talk to you and has some awareness of what a good relationship does and doesn’t feel like.

At 24, she is old enough to make her own choices and decisions, even her own mistakes. The hardest thing as the parent is to stand back and let them do this, when you have misgivings.

The good thing here is that your DD is happy. The best thing you can do is embrace their relationship, get to know your daughter's partner. You may find that you actually like her very much! There are no guarantees in life and this may not be 'the one' for your DD but it's what she wants for now so I think you have to be supportive, unless you want a rift with your daughter.

It may end badly, it may not - but realistically what are you going to do? What do you want to happen - do you want your dd to say 'you're right Mum' and end the relationship?

Your dd knows they are different life stages, she knows that, like any relationship, it could go wrong etc etc.

Your dd won't take kindly to you being the voice of doom, voicing your 'concerns' , and she won't listen.

So be friendly and welcoming to her Gf, and in due course be ready to mop tears, be philosophical about an amicable or dd precipitated ending, or buy a hat, as appropriate.

Is it your intuition or just fear of the unknown? I know I’d be concerned about this in your shoes as would many of us, it’s the old unconscious bias that lives in the majority of us.

if there’s no coercion or similar then you just have to accept that this is what your daughter wants and try to get used to it

24 is a fully grown adult. Unless there are other reasons that make someone vulnerable, it is past the age when you can argue someone is at risk of being taken advantage of by an older partner. She really is at an age to make her own choices. I don't even find this age gap particularly objectionable - it is two consenting adults at this point. And yes I would say the same of a heterosexual couple.

Any relationship can end badly, that's the chance we take when we enter into one. She could end up being the one who does the hurting.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I feel much better about DD's situation now.