Should I get back in touch with an old university friend?

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I'm 42 and I'm not sure whether to get back in touch with an old friend.

We met at 18 on the train on our first day travelling to university. We got talking and realised we were starting the same course. For the next 3 years we were pretty much inseparable. When I think back to university, I always think of her.

We were complete opposites. She was ambitious, fun and daring, and I was much more safe and cautious. She really pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me see things differently. I honestly don't think I would have had half as much fun without her.

We came from similar backgrounds, with hometowns right next to each other. She always said our towns were boring and that she wanted to escape and build an exciting life and career in Dubai.

After university we lost touch for a bit. She got in touch to invite me to her wedding, and I invited her to mine, but by then she had moved to Dubai and couldn't come. We were back in touch when we both had our first children - she even came to see my daughter when she was back in the UK on a break. My husband and I were struggling financially at the time and living in a very run-down house. I remember feeling embarrassed to have her over, but she was lovely and we talked like old times.

We kept in touch on Facebook and by phone for a while, but then I think she deleted her Facebook account. I've always had the same number, but she kept changing hers and eventually we lost contact. I bumped into her on the train again about 12 years ago, but only had 5 minutes before it was her stop.

Over the years I've thought about her a lot and just assumed she was living the life she always wanted. I have my own life and friends now, but I've often wondered why she never reached out, as my Facebook account has always been the same.

A few weeks ago, my husband came home and told me about a new colleague who had started at his work - a single mum of 3 who had just moved back to the UK from Dubai after a messy divorce. When he said her name, I realised it was her. He's never met her before, but he showed me her picture on Teams and it's definitely the same person. She's now back in her hometown, living with her parents while she rebuilds her life.

My husband works in a different department so he doesn't see her much, and he's said he won't mention the connection until I decide what I want to do.

I'm so torn. Part of me feels incredibly sad for her and thinks she could really do with some support - from what I've heard from old mutual friends, she hasn't been in touch with many of them either.

The other part of me thinks - if she wanted to reach out, she could have by now. And I also worry a bit for myself. I have a very normal, simple, settled life now, and she has always been a bit of a whirlwind. I don't know if inviting her back in will cause upheaval.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would you reach out?

Thanks

I think you're overthinking this a bit (a lot!). Someone you cared about but lost touch with is now back in your 'orbit'. Just send a message. You seem to feel a little 'inferior' to her due to your ordinary life (which most of us have!) as opposed to her (perceived) wildly exciting life. She may be delighted to hear from an old friend or she may wish to forget the past and move on. Neither outcome should affect your 'settled' life surely.

F

I would. I haven't seen an old friend of mine in over 15 years and we haven't spoken in like 9 years. I moved to another continent. The other night I found old photos of us, took a chance that her number was still the same and sent them to her.

She immediately insisted that we facetime and we spent the next 2 hours nattering away like we saw each other yesterday. It was awesome!

I reconnected with Uni friends from the late 80s!! Yes I'm retired now, but I got in touch about ten years ago and we've all been delighted to connect again. In fact I go away with one of them nearly every year as we have similar history interests and visit places that neither of our partners is interested in. It can work out! We only meet up a few times a year, but it's great.

I bumped into one of them at a work conference. That was how it re started, they were a guest speaker from another organisation.

The only thing I'd be careful about is how you know she is back in town. Work that one out diplomatically and you'd never know where the friendship might lead. It will either work, or not. Life is full of serendipity.

I think you need to decide if you're only contacting her because you think she will be bruised and licking her wounds, hence a 'safer' person for you to encounter than the 'whirlwind' who pushed you out of your comfort zone and whom you seem slightly afraid of because she made you examine your own 'safe' choices.

If she's recently divorced with three children and an international move, is living with her parents and just started a new job, it's highly unlikely she's had the time to think about contacting friends, so I certainly wouldn't see it as an indication she wouldn't want to hear from you, but I'd keep it very low-demand, that you'd heard she was back and would love to see her at some point for a coffee if she'd like.

How rude.

Don't comment if you have nothing nice or helpful to say.

I’m not ‘woo woo’ at all - but clearly the universe wants you to be friends!

I suspect she is feeling (unnecessarily) very embarrassed by the failure of her marriage and her much vaunted life in Dubai. To be back living with her parents at the age of 42 must feel like a failure too. I think that is why she has not been in touch, both now and for however many years her private life has been falling apart. I can't imagine, if I found out an old friend of mine was suddenly working in the same place as my husband, I wouldn't have immediately tried to contact her, if only to express my delight at the coincidence. If I were you now, I would make a tentative contact as she may well be feeling very alone and dejected. Maybe don't throw yourself wholeheartedly into it, in case she rejects you, but I would certainly let her know you are there and would be open to reigniting your friendship. If she rejects you then, you know where you stand.

🤣🤣🤣

I know, right?

Yes, reach out! She is likely feeling miserable and probably embarrassed her dream life didn't work out as she'd hoped. Go for it OP!

I'd say reach out enthusiastically. Genuine gosh I'm so excited to see we're living near each other again, I'd love to meet up, I've missed you over the years and would love to see you again.

No guilt from how she dropped contact etc.

She probably got a oconsumed by her personal situation that she didn't have time to reach out, or felt shame that her perfect life had turned to shit.

Friendship should never be passed up.

Of course she might not rep but if never not give it a go

Is it possible to give it a bit of time snd see what pans out. I reckon there's every chance you'll bump into her again at some point if she's geographically close. Maybe she lost touch because her life got complicated. Sometimes ppl just get caught up in their own lives ..It doesnt necessarily mean she stopped liking you..If she's a whirlwind in the sense of being exciting and good company then that's ok, but if she's a whirlwind in the drama queen sense that might be a bit more problematic.

The title of the thread pretty much encapsulates it in a sentence.

Would you like us to act it out for you through the medium of modern dance?

No. She isn't a friend, she has never been there for you, she has always chosen not to make contact. She is part of your past and has no significance in your current life.

Do it.
Her life was just busy! Especially with 3 children!!!!
It will be like you saw her just as before with the history you have.

Definitely do it. Why wouldn’t you.

Just reach out, why not if you were such good friends. I doubt she’s a ‘whirlwind’ now, she’s a single mum with three kids who might value hearing from an old friend.

Do it. I made a concious effort a few years ago to get in touch with a bunch of people I'd lost contact with.

Most of them I lost touch with after DD was born, she turned up at short notice in a very new relationship and life just changed utterly, and I just wasn't available as much, and friendships drifted.

Anyway, a few years ago, DD was a teen, I found myself with a lot more free time, so I made myself a list of everyone I ever thought "I wonder what they're up to now?"

And then I started contacting them. One a week usually, either by text or whatsapp, on facebook etc. Just a "Hey, long time no speak, how are things, fancy a catch up?"

I got in touch with 21 people in total. 5 never got back in touch, 9 we had a brief catch up over messaging and that was that, 3 I met up with for a couple of pints a few times and then drifted, 1 I met up with and decided I couldn't stand, and 2 I still see every couple of weeks or so now.

Oh, and 1 who called me dickhead and told me to fuck off. Don't quite know what happened there.

So yeah, you may as well ask. Maybe nothing will come of it, and maybe something will. You won't know unless you try though.

Yes.

Like pps, I think you should send her a message that isn't pressurised though.

She may be delighted or she may not want to be involved for whatever reason. She may want to compartmentalize her life a bit, or be trying to make a completely fresh social start. It will be nothing personal.

Offer your contacts and say you'd love to meet for a coffee - your treat (bribe with free stuff ;-)). Or say if she needs anything if she's in the area?

Keep contact about very neutral things if you do get in touch.

Spend time with her but don't pressurise her to explain her new family set-up or talk about the break up or move from Dubai.

Except they were inseparable at university, she appears to have done the OP a lot of good in pushing her out of her comfort zone and helped her to have more fun, she invited the OP to her wedding and visited her after she had her first child, even though she was living on another continent by then, and they had a lovely time.

I mean, I'm not seeing what the OP's friend has done wrong here, other than move to another country. Nothing is saying 'Spectacularly exciting life' to me about her, either -- Dubai, where I lived for a while, is far duller than anywhere I've lived in the UK.

Definitely reach out. Just say your husband mentioned a lady who'd moved back from Dubai and when he said her name you realised it was her! You don't need to tell her he's talked about her divorce etc.

Go for it OP

Absolutely you should, it's fate. Also it's just normal people fall out of touch, nothing big to read into it. I got back in touch with an old friend from school after about 30 years and now we are quite chummy! No one has ever commented on the missing 30 years, it's just a given.

No. She could have presumably got in touch with you any time she wanted to, but obviously let the friendship fizzle out. Why, I don't know, that's her business..
Especially as you've now found out about her divorce etc - I can appreciate you want to help, but she may not take kindly to that, assuming she's trying to build a new life for herself & not wanting her past to follow her.
Then again, I don't do second chances for people, lol, you obviously feel differently! :-)

I’d definitely reach out and offer a meet up. Neither of you should be embarrassed about your lives btw.

Yes!!!! Its fate!!!!! Please get in touch with her xxx