Managing in unhappy marriage while children are in exam years

[NCtowhatend]

I've been unhappily married for years. My dh is abrasive in his interactions to the point where we don't have any friends at all. I have my own lovely friends who i see when time allows.
We have two dcs, teenagers. Y13 and Y10.
Dc1 can't stand dh, he is intolerant of her.
Dc2 gets on with him now after years of him not tolersting her.
He scores points and keeps score.
He is never in the wrong or responsible for his behaviour.
I try not to react to keep the peace but when i do he is always the wronged party and i am accused of misremembering/being dispraxic/just wrong.
There are hundreds of things that have led me to check out...death by a thousand cuts.
I don't want to disrupt dcs important educational years so haven't done anything about it and am treading water really.
I am planning to leave when dc2 goes to university but still think that will impact horribly on her, despite feeling like another four years of wasted time is too long.
Any words of wisdom/experience welcome.

FFS saying you have to stay or you'll ruin a holiday.

RUIN THE FUCKING HOLIDAY FFS

It's just a bloody holiday and it'll be miserable anyway, won't it? Because your abusive husband will be there.

Just one final thing, about the state of the house - we lived like this for years. We would move house to a dump where they could barely afford the mortgage, and my father would have all these grand plans to fix it up, and then do nothing while we lived in a cold, damp, smelly, embarrassing shit hole of a house. He would make never ending speeches about his grand plans to fix up the house but couldn't even fix a dripping tap. It was just miserable. And he did it to keep us trapped, I'm sure of it. Because you just feel so worn down and exhausted and embarrassed by all of it. No one comes to the house. You can't have friends over. You are a prisoner inside your own home, just spending all your time monitoring his mood, trying to avoid him, constantly anxious. Afraid to go out, afraid to stay in.

I lived what your girls are living, for my entire childhood.

@MirrorSignal1 it isn't always that straightforward. I told my husband over two years ago that I wanted out of our marriage but he won't accept it or leave the home. He has every right to be there, legally. It is awful. Me and my teens want to stay there and for him to leave and he just won't go. It isn't as easy as just putting it on the market either. I have absolutely no money to fight it.

Hi OP, please dont be harsh on yourself. You need your strength right now not negative thinking! I used to work with a very tough lady who had been through a horrible divorce, she used to say " The whole world will put you down, dont help them".
And exams are not the big issue here. I had to literally leave my house one evening in what I was wearing, just before my A levels because of my brother' extreme behavioural problems. It was fine in the end, I stayed with my grandmother. If I had stayed at home I would have had zero sleep and probably failed the lot!
Your children need to escape the nasty atmosphere at home as you do also as I did.

Is he physically abusive, @NCtowhatend? Is that the real problem? You're worried how he will react when you end it?

Exactly this. I told him i wanted to leave 4 years ago and he asked me to stay until the attic was finished. He basically refused to let me go.
It's really weird because writing it all down here and seeing people's comments makes it seem so clear cut but imagining making the move feels like I'm imagining things.
I can hear him telling me it's DD's fault for being miserable with him, or my fault because i didn't do xyz.
I'm on the mortgage but he pays it from a different account, i pay the same amount into savings each month but he will claim the house, probably set it up that way for this scenario.
I looked up a solicitor so will book in to get advice.

No but he's very loud and intimidating. He shouts and swears.

This sounds familiar. And yet i can hear him saying 'i've never stopped you having friends round' 'my parents had an outside bathroom until the were married' 'you don't need a proper office' (he mocks my work)
He says the house hss damaged his mental health but hasn't done anything on it for months.
It's a much more complicated story which makes it more difficult to argue with him.

He's not awful all of the time and we do have enjoyable holidays with some elements of him being horrible.
Dds would be very upset to miss out on it.
I know i sound pathetic.

I really hope you can part from him...
And soon... Your precious life and your girls' lives are there on the other side of this bully....

I lived in a very similar set up.. My dad sounds very similar to your OH..

It was hellish... He didn't seem to want me or my sib.
He was abrasive, rude,discounting of us and I was often frightened of him.

I really really wish my mum had left and had the chance of happiness elsewhere.

Once they get to 15 it’s all exams through to College and then Uni. It definitely impacts them.
My experience of kids going through this is they can justify getting lower grades (so it takes pressure off) but equally makes them slightly tougher and more focused as young adults.
So yes not ideal but ultimately they learn to be strong through your example and the fact they are young.

I don't think it's been any more severe than any other teenage mental health wobbles of their peers. I work in MH so am well versed in SMIs.
But incredibly i hadn't made the connection (with his behaviour) until now which has given me a bit of a scare tbh.

The veneer of plausible deniability, I remember it well.

Do you know anything about narcissism? Narcissistic personality disorder? You might recognise some of it.
Please also read about coercive control, because a lot of what you have said suggests that might be happening. You seem to be spending so much time and energy trying to control his mood (that's what they mean by walking on eggshells - tiptoeing round them, trying not to set them off). But you know, you can never really control it, because if he wants to have a tantrum, he will, and not because you made him do it, but because he wants to. The things he blames you for are just excuses to justify his own inability to manage himself emotionally. Because he's immature.

All I can say is, don't argue with him. Let him insist up is down if it's that important to him. It doesn't actually make up down iyswim. Don't try to make him see things from your POV, because he won't. Because he doesn't want to.

Please contact women's aid. They can help.

Because if he was awful all the time you would leave without hesitation.

Playing nice sometimes keeps you trapped, like a gambling addict on a fruit machine, losing, losing, losing, winning a fiver and thinking it makes up for what they've lost and will lose. Do you know about the studies of variable reward systems? Where a rat that only gets a treat occasionally and can't predict when cannot stop pressing the lever? That's what a relationship like this is like.

Playing nice is part of the cycle of abuse.

And are you really sure your daughter's would be disappointed not to have to go on holiday with him?

Would your eldest really be upset?

I remember the bloody awful family holidays, him having tantrums and then everyone pretending they were having a great time and that he hadn't reduced everyone to tears just an hour before so we wouldn't set him off again. He once had a massive raging tantrum on the hard shoulder of the M1 because he didn't like my t-shirt.

I hate to say this but you are using your children as an excuse. My mum did this and then never left at all. She stayed until he died and they she died. They were both that unhappy they ended up both becoming alcoholics and hating each other. You are doing yourself and your children no favours at all here.

There is never a good time, there is always something on the horizon. Be brave and go now. I was the same as you, waited ten years too long. Things will work out, no house is unsalable, even if it’s really bad, a diy enthusiast or a builder will buy. Go for it, good luck.

My H's father was like this throughout his teens. I suspect this has resulted in his persistent MH problems. They didn't fully manifest immediately but have 30 years down the line.

It's such a horrible thing to live with. There seems to be a bit more understanding now that it causes what is basically PTSD. It took me years to even begin to understand that I had unhealthy coping behaviours and really wasn't mentally very well. My mother has acknowledged MH problems in my younger siblings but always told me I was fine even though the symptoms of mental distress were so obvious looking back.

This is why you need to leave now. You’re worried about the split affecting their grades but they’re already rock bottom with their mental health because of their parents’ toxic relationship and toxic home life. They’re already a mess and therapy won’t help until you change their environment. You need to initiate the split today and move out this month. You need to put your children first, not your worries about being on your own.