Family have turned against me

[Fedupandtired12]

Nerves feel completely shot at the moment. Family have turned against me and I'm fed up of the whole situation. Everything has been twisted to make me out to be this horrible person by my parent and now I'm getting phone calls from my siblings. It doesn't seem to matter what I say in my own defensive they don't want to hear it.
I don't think the relationships can be salvaged, feel on edge all the time trying to anticipate the next thing I'm going to be accused of doing.
I've just had enough. It sounds like they're sprinkling elements of truth but then putting massive lies in there to make it sound believable. I have tried my best to explain the situation but there's no point
Luckily I've got my partner and best friend, but I just feel like the world is imploding around me at the moment and I'm waiting for the next thing to smack me in the face

What are they saying?? What happened?

It's a long story and quite outing. But it's basically about money. It started with me doing a favour for the parent and despite me offering to show evidence of what actually happened, I'm now getting accused of financial abuse and all other manner of things. It categorically isn't true and I can prove it but no-one seems to care for my side of the story.

Is your parent the cause of the upset @Fedupandtired12 ? Is this type of upset a common occurrence or something that hasn’t happened in your family before? It sounds very stressful. Do you feel as if you’re really not guilty of anything you’re being accused of? Just trying to get a picture here as I understand you feel you can’t be too specific.

Have you got a family WhatsApp? Could you state on there what you did, plus a photo of what you did? Maybe with receipts, just to justify things?

Parent does have history of talking badly about people if they feel wronged in some way and elaborating the story. I've always taken things with a pinch of salt when they say things about other people. She is not the sort to apologise for something she has done wrong but very much expects people to grovel if they feel they have been wronged in someway even if the other person did nothing bad in reality

I'm 100% not guilty of the things I'm being accused of. But small elements of truth have been scattered amongst quite a lot of exaggerations and lies

I've sent evidence to my siblings, noone seems to be willing to look at it. I have tried to explain. It just doesn't seem to matter what I say or what I can evidence

Sympathy, but no advice sadly. I'm in a similar but different situation where I can't win as my sister and mum are totally enmeshed and co-dependent, with a dash of emotional abuse by my sister. If I stick up for myself I'm a terrible person. I've all but walked away/gone low contact. It's sad, but sometimes being in the right makes no difference. 😢

It is shit, sorry you're going through the same sort of thing. I think I feel sadder about the fact everyone seemed to be so quick to believe horrible things about me, surely after knowing me this long they would know I'm not the sort of person that would do these things I'm being accused of

I’d tell them to call the police if they think it’s true and I’ll happily give all my evidence to the contrary to the investigation.

Honestly then they’re being purposefully blind. Cut them off. They don’t have your interests at heart.

Just explain, send the evidence and tell them you don’t won’t be engaging with any of them anymore.
Tell them to call the police if they’re so adamant you did wrong.

Then literally just ignore them.

Is this parent a covert narcissist, and could you have been the family scapegoat? Sometimes people don't understand narcissism until they research it. It's very common.

Some families need an emotional punching bag and a scapegoat to unconsciously distract from their own dysfunction.

Also have been in the same boat and I walked away from the lot of them. Unfortunately my mother has been using my name in lies for years to everyone so thats why a narrative has been built around me that is not true. You cannot win, they don't want your explanations and the more you explain the more they will accuse you of being crazy etc. No point when they have been so brainwashed unfortunately. Hurts but honestly better to walk away.

I think my parent has taken offence to me setting a boundary for once and using this set of lies to make me out to be the horrible person to everyone around me. Up until this point I've done absolutely everything to help them in all sorts of ways. They've occasionally made snotty comments about my other siblings when they've felt offended for some reason or criticised siblings partners when they've done nothing wrong (apart from taking my golden siblings away), complained about my siblings' in-laws because they're obviously jealous that in some ways the in laws have done better in life. I've actually defended them at the time, now the very same people have turned on me instantly.

I think now you should pull back from them a little and let them breathe and look more objectively at the whole picture

Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do in these situations @Fedupandtired12 if your parent is controlling the narrative. I’m so sorry- I know how stressful it can be. I’m in the middle of a similar situation myself and feel pretty ally-less and alone. I’m so sad, I’ve been the family peace keeper and it’s got me nowhere. I’m looking at disentangling myself gently from it all. It’s awful for your mental health isn’t it. Solidarity x

Sorry you're going through similar. This whole saga has made me question whether I am some sort of horrible person even though I know I haven't done the things I've been accused of. I think my only choice is to put physical distance between us, move closer to my now very small support network and accept there's no coming back from this, they all think these things about me and I can't change that and I don't think I'll be able to forgive the way they have treated me recently. I think it's going to take a long time for me to get myself in to a position where it's not mentally taking a toll
I hope you manage to disentangle yourself and live a less stressful life from it all

Yes I think accepting what you can’t change is the key. If I find a quick, painless, sure fire way of doing it myself, I’ll let you know! You’re not alone @Fedupandtired12 . I think it’s clear by your posts that you are a decent person, attempting to do the right thing. Disengage, distance and look after yourself. Thats my plan now I think x

You need to push back. Every time they initiate a discussion make it clear your parent has let you down with and things can’t be smoothed over unless there is a difficult conversation with her where she is held accountable for what she has said. Sadly I know it is unlikely that anyone but you would tolerate that given the little you have shared. BUT it can’t be seen to be left like that. The family needs it to look like a silly thing and you are being petty/nasty/just like some random weird relative/oversensitive. Your siblings are possibly unable to tolerate you not pretending your mum is a loving mum.

Facts are your protection. Just repeat the facts at hand. Mum has lied and harmed you with her lies. You don’t even need to mention anything in the past as proof of potential intent. It stands alone. If you can keep that bit clean and they continue to manipulate you in the face of your clear honesty then you probably want to think about only communicating with your sibling through written word. They are less likely to be so thoughtless and overtly emotionally cruel if they have to write it somewhere. People often balk at their own reasoning when they have to read it back to themselves realising how clearly unloving it is. (Some posters here aside though)

Agree with this. The siblings are probably fully aware of this dynamic, and know that if they dared to defend you, they would be next in the firing line.

Maybe have a look at some of the Stately Homes threads on here.

Solidarity. I'm not in the same boat but my husband is, and that's been hard enough to witness. Toxic families create a situation where they all wind one another up and convince themselves, as a group, that their behaviour is somehow normal or acceptable. He's had to walk away and it sounds like you yourself could at least do with some breathing space. Don't keep trying to prove yourself. You'll drive yourself mad. You know the truth.

Your family are just glad they're not in the firing line OP. Something you should say to them every time they contact you.

You need to step way back from all of them. You'll not find peace otherwis