Realising I don’t have/like the friends I have

[skcks]

In the past few weeks I’ve realised I’m not happy with the friends I have and I’m very unsure if I like them. I’ve recently turned 30, during my 30th changed my perspective on things. I was allowed to plan something but it was said “if it’s not too expensive” but then the group all want to plan things for their 30th. There’s a joint one so they get a higher budget but mines was very low and I can imagine theirs will more than double it. I struggle to make plans due to childcare but things won’t be made different days etc. I don’t understand my place in the group nor do I really feel happy in it but then I don’t want to not have friends, I feel like I’m grieving a loss but then I’m not very sure I ever had something to lose. I really don’t understand how people make friends in their 30s either to try and find a good connection with someone
im looking for a bit of advice on what to do or if someone else has experience this too?

even with my 30th I’ve done hens abroad, weddings etc but my budget was under £50 per person.

I don't think it's unusual to find yourself in this position, and your friends don't sound very nice if they're dictating how you celebrate your birthday and take advantage of you.

In your shoes I wouldn't dump them unless seeing them makes you feel bad , but I would start looking to cultivate new friends.

Pick up new activities, try some new hobbies
Check social media for 30s socialising groups in your area. Meetup.com is one to check out.

Its not you, its them.

You will feel like you're grieving a loss because you are but if you're not happy with the group then what's the alternative, just plod along and be unhappy? have to spend awkward time with people you don't like? It's really not easy to find new friends as you get older and i would say most of mine have previously been work colleagues, you could join some groups, not my kind of thing but i know some of my friends go out in walking groups or to pilates etc and seem to have found new friends.

Hiya,

I'm confused about how the 30th birthday plans factor into this...

Am I right in thinking that you are not happy with your friends because you were only allowed to have joint plans that cost £50 per person for your birthday, whereas your other friends who have joint birthdays have had bigger parties?

And you want some different friends because of this?

If that is right, I am not sure what to make of it.

On the face of it, I do think that people's social circles widen massively from the days of college and university friends. This is not wrong.

But to bring this about because you cant make them spend more that £50 on your birthday? Did you not have as nice a time as you'd wished? Why do you all have to pay money for each others' parties?

Now me I do not expect my friends to stump up money for me. I'm 51 now and tended to have my birthday bashes in the pub we all went to and was delighted when people showed up. But no one had to pay anything.

I think you are going to find that life is going to dictate what people spend their money on from now on and your social circle is going to include people you like who do not have money to spend or do not want to have to spend it for you. Do not be foolish and think that everyone should spend money on your birthday or they are not good enough to be your friend.

If you are saying also that your place in the group is not at the top, of the highest importance and everyone should want to spend loads on your birthday outing, and you are seeing now that you are not one of the big players, so what is your place......well, I think that we grow up and things reveal themselves. If you feel hurt and sidelined and not that close to people, then by all means make other friends, good friends, where you feel loved and important.

I hope I'm not barking up the wrong tree here!

OP, one thing I found helpful when I felt a similar way was to accept that there are different kinds of, and levels of friendship. It's so common to want everything from a single set of friends: loyalty, support, understanding, equality. But if you accept that some groups of friends are fun but flaky or selfish, then you meet with them on your own terms. Stand up against them if they push you too far, knowing you don't care if they freeze you out, as your standards matter more to you, but equally, put up with a bit of poor behaviour if you choose to have them around for nights out. The point is, it is on your terms.

It helps to think about what you want from friendship and be happy to find different aspects of it in different people. Some friends are great for one to one deep discussions but not party animals. Some people love discussing ideas, others love gossip. Some are great work friends but have little in common outside of work. Accepting the limitations of a friendship takes the pressure off it.

It's hard to know where to find friends or make friends in your thirties, but stay open to surprises. Several of my friends have a large age gap from me. Some live abroad and we mainly meet online. I found you make the best friends from being genuinely passionate about something and meeting like minded people. Doesn't matter what it is but a shared interest, whether it is creative or political or sporty, will help form strong bonds.

I am making friends in my 50s. Why do you think there is a time limit on making friends?

This might be a weird question, but are you sure that you don't like them? Do you feel that either you are resenting them for the plans you have in mind, or the other way around? Do you feel you can be honest and talk about how you feel on the money/resources front?

Things do change when circumstances are not as level as they once were. I have had friends who I used to work with, and who live locally so I do quite a lot with them. Their adult DC left home and they got a dog, that has turned out to be quite hard work. Trips away, even daytrips, used to be fairly easy and a thing we enjoyed, but they are much less the way they used to be, now. It is different but it feels more like a different phase, than that it is a reason to change how I like them as people.

It's more about you not liking your place in the hierarchy isn't it? As a pp said there are different levels of friendship so maybe just downgrade your expectations to match those of good aquaintences. Definitely start trying to find other aquaintences who have friend potential.

I’ve recently turned 30, during my 30th changed my perspective on things. I was allowed to plan something but it was said “if it’s not too expensive” but then the group all want to plan things for their 30th. There’s a joint one so they get a higher budget but mines was very low and I can imagine theirs will more than double it. I struggle to make plans due to childcare but things won’t be made different days etc.

Could you explain this slightly more clearly? No one can prevent you planning anything you like, but it's fair enough, surely, for people to point out that they have a budget, especially if the entire friendship group is all turning 30 and having parties etc. And some of them have chosen to pool their celebrations -- I don't see what's wrong with that? Not sure the point you're making about childcare?

I mean, what I'm asking is whether you genuinely don't like your friendship group, or whether you're having what sounds on the surface like an overreaction to people saying that they have a budget for celebrating your 30th birthday?

And you can make friends at any age. I'm in my 50s and made some new friends in the last year.

@something2sayyou’ve actually gotten the exact opposite of how it is. I’ve been expected to pay a lot on things like hens etc but then when it’s a big birthday for me it’s only if it doesn’t cost too much without me even so much as suggesting what I’d want to do but I’ve been expected without fail to pay for hens etc. I’d have been happy with drinks in the house it’s the way it instantly was as long as it’s not too expensive even though I’ve been required to fork out and if I didn’t it was bad on me.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemalei never even thought there was such a thing as hierarchy in friendships and maybe you’ve pointed it right and I’ve now noticed there is one and don’t want to be in something everyone’s not equal in?

This year I decided to treat people exactly how they treat me. Absolute eye opener!! Mid September and 3 have dropped off the list completely.

@something2saylike I just replied maybe you’re corrected with the “big players” comments and I’m not a fan of that? And I’m piecing that together and it makes me uncomfortable and noticing I don’t like hierarchy in friend groups? I hadn’t thought about that until the replies here. It’s making my mind up for me even more that I’m not liking it

Aha I see. They want you to fork out, but your birthday is down played. Sorry for getting it the wrong way round.

Then they are showing you how they feel about you. And you are right to branch out. This is not what you thought, or, it is changing into something else, crystallising, and you don't like into what, what that says about your place with them.

It reads as if the joint celebration is double your individual one, which isn't unreasonable on the face of it - it would be the reason for combining. Could you combine?

One other thing you don't know is the individual responses your friends get when they send out initial invites. It could be that the same person always replies "only if it's not too expensive," and other people decide to just go ahead, knowing some people won't make it - you are interpreting it differently, as a sort of permission. You can also say no to things you consider too expensive, but don't seem to think you can.

I'm not saying there are not issues, but I think it would really help for you to articulate what really bothers you and see if there is anything you are particularly sensitive to, that other people might brush off as it would be a shame to lose friends over poor communication.

It's not nice but there definitely is a hierarchy amongst friendship groups. Some will always be more popular than others and it's hard to accept I really do get it. This may not be the case here but I really think if there are say 6 of you, then there's going to be a pecking order sadly

But I think you're comparing oranges and apples here. Hens and birthday parties are not the same. I didn't have a hen myself, and lots of my friends just had an afternoon tea or a night out or a hike followed by a pub meal, or taking out boats, but it's increasingly usual for hens to be overseas (and insanely expensive as a result). If you were happy to have drinks in your house for your 30th, and either haven't had a hen yourself, (or am I misunderstanding, and you have had a hen and lots of your friends didn't attend on the grounds of expense), I'm not sure I understand why you're equating the two?

If you really don't like these people, that's another matter, obviously.

@something2sayyes I think you are understanding my rankings and making them thoughts that make sense and it’s how I’m feeling