An abusive incident has returned to haunt me and I can't get it out of my head.

[IHaveNameChangedForThisIsMyNewUsername]

I really need to get this off my chest. I read something the other day and it triggered a memory from my teenage years (in early 50s now). I just need to put it somewhere and I don't feel its something I can share with anyone in real life.

When I was a child, we had family friends we'd grown up with as family. The eldest son and I were the same age and were best friends but only saw each other with our families present.

From 16-18, he and I started socialising more without our parents and met each other's friends but only during the day and in school holidays.

When I was 17, I was invited by my friend to go to a pub with them. My parents knew this had been suggested and had said I couldn't go. Fair enough, I was 17. I never went anywhere I wasn't explicitly allowed to go.

One evening, during dinner, the phone rang. It was one of my friend's (male) friends calling to invite me out with them on the Saturday night. I was really surprised. I knew this lad but hadn't given him my number and only ever talked to him in a group. He wasn't asking me on a date. And I'd already told my friend I couldn't go. I had a nice chat with him but repeated that I wouldnt be going and he accepted that.

My parents were absolutely furious that he'd called me. What followed can only be described as an interrogation. I was instructed to return to the dining table and they sat across from me and intensively questioned me for around an hour wanting to know why he had my number and why he had called. I answered that my friend (who they had known since a baby whose family we'd holidayed with and who they trusted) had given him my number and he'd called to see if I wanted to go to the pub with them on Saturday.

This wasn't what my parents meant. They accepted that part. They wanted to know why. And repeatedly told me that i must have promised him sex. I must have said something that indicated I would have sex with him. There was 'no way' he'd have called if he hadn't been promised sex or at least thought it was likely. My words were repeatedly twisted and thrown back at me and threats were made (the environment was already abusive and threats and punishments were regularly made and carried out).

My dad was a Detective Sargent so well skilled in 'questioning' techniques and he employed them all.

I was scared, frustrated, angry, crying and became really confused. I started to question myself. Maybe I had promised him sex and just couldn't remember (I knew I hadn't and there was no sense of anyone even fancying anyone else - it was so innocent!) Maybe I had done something wrong?

The more I protested my innocence, the more frustrated and angrier my parents got. I even considered admitting it just to make it stop but I couldn't admit to something I hadn't done and I knew what the punishment would be (never allowed to see my friend again and physicial chastisement).

It's so long ago and I can't remember exactly how it ended but the last thing I remember was my parents being angry that I was lying. Calling me a liar and a slut. Making all sorts of judgements about me and finally manhandling me out of the dining room and sending me to my room.

My dad used a restraint technique to remove me from the room where I remember I was half bent over with my arm up behind my back. I couldn't stand up straight and I couldn't drop to the floor - my dad told me not to try either because one was impossible and the other would break my arm/dislocate my shoulder. I can't remember which was which. It was incredibly painful and I was terrified.

Like everything else in the house, once it was over it only existed in my memory. I never mentioned it again and neither did they. But it informed them of everything about my character and reinforced what they already believed they knew about me. That I was a slut and a liar and a piece of worthless shit. And so they just ramped up the abuse.

I spoke to my friend afterwards and asked him why his friend had called and not him. It's so silly. We were all just 17. His friend just really wanted us all to go out for the evening and had offered to call me on off chance that I might agree/be persuaded if someone else asked me.

That was it.

Nothing nefarious and it was all completely innocent. Just a group of friends going out for the evening and hoping to persuade another to join them.

I hadn't promised anyone sex. Sex had never even been mentioned.

It completely broke the already fragile relationship I had with my parents. Left me with a deep, deep mistrust of the police. Nothing happened. No one knew and 35 years later it's haunting me.

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. You're none of the things your parents said you were and their behaviour was deeply abusive and intrusive.

Have you ever explored this (and all the other things that did and didn't happen during your upbringing) with a psychotherapist? If you do seek help, it might be that psychotherapy is more helpful to you than counselling.

I'd also recommend the book running on empty by Jonice Webb to you about childhood emotional neglect. The absence of emotional attunement and understanding (even when basic needs are met) can feel as harmful as abusive behaviours and can leave people with a deep sense of emptiness/lack of belonging that they can't quite put their finger on.

It obviously wasn't the first time. But thats just reminded me of another one. My mum had a friend who had a son who was struggling mentally quite a bit. They used to phone each other up and counsel each other through their woes (as we all do) but her son set fire to things in the house so it was quite serious. And I really didn't do anything wrong outside of my parents' imaginations. This particular friendship seemed to have been characterised by complaining about their children and how difficult life was. There wasn't really any joy in it.

My mum used to make things up about me. I was sat in my bedroom on one occasion and could hear her on the phone talking about how she despaired of me because I was always in the local park, drinking and having underage sex. She claimed thats where I was while I was sat in my bedroom listening to the conversation.

Unfortunately, they believed the lies they told about me and treated and punished me as though they were true.

The reality was, i was an A grade student, participated in loads of school events, didn’t have my first boyfriend until 3 months before I turned 18 and didn't have sex until I was 20. I never went anywhere near the park she referred to after dark because it was full of the local 'rough' kids drinking and having underage sex. And I was scared of them (truth be told!)

borborygmus1

Thank you. I've had various forms of therapy over the years but have been told psychotherapy would be best.

From what I have pieced together, the abuse started when I was about 2 and a half, my whole development was interrupted and I basically just didn't have the opportunity to become 'me'.

Ive struggled a lot in life because of it and, tbh, I just can't afford the therapy I'd need to actually address it.

Ive developed some (probably quite unhealthy) coping strategies over the years and use CBT strategies where other people are concerned to get through life but im scared of anything more than that. Im scared of seeing a life that I should have seen a long time ago.

My ability to remain in the world is based on taking everything one day at a time and not looking too far into the future.

I don't think I'd be strong enough to deal with the 'gets worse before it gets better' part of it.

I will look for that book though. Thanks.

This sounds absolutely awful (her behaviour, not yours) and I can imagine someone experiencing that may have a lot of feelings of self-doubt and false-shame for things they haven't even done going forward.

My first thoughts were that this sounds like the social (rather than health) version of Munchausens by proxy, (not that such a variation exists in real life).
Or a form of covert narcissism where a parent receives sympathy and admiration from playing a victim role.

Sorry - edited as you'd posted since I'd started writing.

Adult children of emotionally immature parents is another good book.
I find something survivors of difficult upbringings often experience is alexithymia, where they don't have the full emotional language to understand their internal world. The first book talks about this and has exercises to help.

OP, it’s important that you share your fears about your ability to cope with your therapist- they should be able to support you in developing some coping techniques before you delve into the hard stuff - it’s pretty standard to do that in trauma work. It might be worth checking out EMDR as a type of therapy- it would be a good match from what you’ve said.

I have a sibling but his experience was of the golden child and inevitably was scapegoat (both equally damaging but in doffeent ways).

We have often talked about her and tried to understand the 'why'. I think we do to a degree. And covert narcissim is the descriptor that best fits.

She had an insatiable need for people to recognise her as stoic but also to recognise her suffering. When I was born, the midwife apparently said, "Ooh, you'll need to watch her. She's got a mind of her own, that one!" I was still hearing about that in adulthood and how I was such a problem that their wife recognised it from the moment I was born.

She took the comment to heart though and that was the lens through which she saw me and parented me. In her eyes, I was just a negative and, when my behaviour didn't really give my parents cause for concern, they manufactured it, lied about it, manipulated me/situations and created a completely fictional narrative around who I was.

I couldn't tell you a single thing my mum liked, respected, admired or valued about me. In her eyes, I was rotten to the core.

When we were in our thirties, she told my brother that she didn't love me. She said she didn't hate me because she didn't actively want anything bad to happen to me, she just didn't care if it did. She just felt complete indifference towards me.

I don't have a therapist. I just keep my head down and try to get through life the best I can.

Are either of them still alive?

My dad died around 15 years ago. I went no contact with my mother the same year a few months earlier. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I don't know if she's still alive.

My parents split up just before I turned 18. My dad went on to have something of an epiphany and made a sincere and heartfelt apology for things he'd done when I was growing up when I was in my 20s. He said if he had his time again, he'd be a very diffeent sort of dad. By that time, he was a grandad and he was brilliant with my son but he and I never had a father/daughter relationship because, whilst I forgave him, I didn't forget.

Not that I want to excuse him but I saw the damage my mother caused to me, my own family and my sibling in the years that followed and she was definitely the driving force of what happened at home most of the time After they split up, she became so much worse towards me and blamed me for the breakdown of her marriage

My dad went on to remarry and have two more children. And he was a completely different dad to them.

But then I still remember really clearly the way things were. I'm glad he changed and was a good dad to my half sisters until he died but it didnt change my childhood/teenge years or the impact it had.

OP. You know your mother was/is a profoundly broken person. Her assessment of your character has absolutely zero value.
you know categorically that she threw you under the bus to win favour with her friend (not really a friend though, someone with whom she got to be in misery).
You know you are a likeable person.

And if you are happy with that it’s great. But if it’s causing you distress or difficulty, it’s worth considering therapy, particularly EMDR.

Please tell me you're happy and better off now in a better place....

Ive read everything you have written and im so sorry. I suggest therapy as well. Might be beneficial for you 💐

I've experienced shades of this with my mother.

She assumed I was sexually active with a 60 something creepy man who tried to latch onto me at the Saturday art class I took to prepare for art school.

I was a 16 year old from a girls convent school who hardly ever socialised and never had a boyfriend or even any male friends. I wanted her and my dad to protect me but they didn't keep the creepy guy away, they were politely friendly to him and it took my 17 year old brother to get involved and tell him to piss off.

And my first boss, a much older married man, she assumed I was having an affair with him and was surprised when I came home from work upset that he'd made a pass at me. "I thought you were already his mistress"

Could it be your mum was jealous of you? and judging you by her standards at that age. She thought she knew what you were up to cos that's what she would have done in those situations.

I'm not happy, no. I've had therapy, I've been to university, I have a career but I struggle all the time.

I struggle with friendships and relationships.

I've underachoeved in everything because I don't have the confidence to put myself forward for anything.

I don't think she was jealous of me. I think she just didn't love me and resented the fact that she had to take care of me and provide for me. She always thought the worst because she didn't see any value in me and she wanted pity from other people for having been burdened with me. I dont think she assumed I was doing those things because its what she would have done. She knew i wasnt because she knew i was upstairs in my room when she was talking to her friend on the phone.

Obviously, this is a tiny, tiny snapshot of what happened.

I am sorry OP. I think, if everything was honest, there would be a lot more parents identified who did it because it was expected or just what you do or wanted to call themselves parents but didnt want to do the work. If you had a parent like that (my mother) it’s hard not to take it personally and to feel deep down that something is wrong/unlovable/inadequate about you. This is where the right therapist can make all the difference. Hopefully this is changing as childless by choice is more acceptable but there will always be people who are saddled with inadequate parents and that is very sad.