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Original poster

Is my husband’s drinking salvageable with two small children involved?

27 replies

Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 07:12

Feel totally exposed and vulnerable writing this as I’ve never expressed these thoughts before…. So will try my best…

i am 35 and been with my husband for 10 years. Married for 5. We have 2 small kids under 4.

husband has always like a drink / party which back when we were 25/26 didn’t bother me. I knew he drank probably too much, but so did all his friends and we were young.
there have been many a fight along the way about him being too drunk and me having to get us home or him ruining nights out eg friends weddings.

he got older and things got better. Now he’s older when he does drink (he can go long periods without) his hangovers last days. Which is not ideal with small kids. And the hangovers often lead to insomnia so he drinks more to get to sleep often getting up during the night to drink. One particularly bad hangover around a year ago I was dropping the eldest kid at nursery and left the younger one with husband. Came back and he was drunk.
this morning we were out on Saturday!!! And he’s struggling with hangover and insomnia and so drank alcohol at 5am as he thought it was 2am.

I don’t feel unsafe around him, he’s not nasty, I just cba. And I don’t want my kids around it but he’s a good dad.
I earn an ok wage myself but couldn’t afford this house by myself and I’m scared.

is this salvageable?

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 08/09/2026 07:17

He’s not a good dad.

SomethingNewish · 08/09/2026 07:22

He is an alcoholic OP.
You can't do anything about his drinking. Only he can. He needs to realise his problem and actively do something about it. And things are going to get a lot worse if he doesn't. He is already putting your young children in danger.

Have you sought advice from one of the organisations that exist to help advise and support families of alcoholics? Al - anon is the best known.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

weegierama · 08/09/2026 07:23

Has he expressed any inclination to change?

His use is clearly problematic..maybe it could change but it won't be by magic, or by anything can do. It's on him.

HowardTJMoon · 08/09/2026 07:27

Is it really that he's drinking in the middle of the night because he's trying to deal with insomnia, or could it be that he's drinking in the middle of the night because he's a binge drinker in the middle of a days-long binge?

HughManity · 08/09/2026 07:36

I'd consider couples counselling as a first step.

Original poster
Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 07:37

HowardTJMoon · 08/09/2026 07:27

Is it really that he's drinking in the middle of the night because he's trying to deal with insomnia, or could it be that he's drinking in the middle of the night because he's a binge drinker in the middle of a days-long binge?

No - these night drinks are infrequent perhaps 2/3 times a year & often after a heavy night out at the weekend, never if sober.
if he does have insomnia without drinking he has have sleeping tablets prescribed by the GP but this is used very infrequently. He was given a pack of 7 about a year ago and only 2 have been used.

OP posts:
Dandeloosha · 08/09/2026 07:42

The fact that he’s drinking in the morning suggests it could be a bigger problem than you think. It’s pretty hardcore and most of us who enjoy a drink would balk at drinking early in the day. I’d keep an eye out for evidence of secret drinking - hidden bottles in the garage/loft/boot of car, etc. and then make a decision based on what you find.

Pigriver · 08/09/2026 07:51

My DH comes from a long line of people who have died as a result of their alcoholism. We are very wary of red flags. He is a social drinker who has some social anxiety and used alcohol to relax his nerves on nights out. He doesn't know when to stop and his hangovers last days. Like you I was ok with this when younger but once kids came along he needed to be up and present after a night out. After many discussions and arguments he could see the problem and took action. He asks be to collect him at a certain time to stop him drinking and we set a time that he is up and parenting. The major part was he was involved in the change and he could see his behaviour was problematic although this too time. He is using alcohol as a coping strategy and he needs to develop a better one. Is he is willing to do this it may be salvageable. For me if he ever drank in front of the kids like that again I'd be gone.

fiveyo · 08/09/2026 07:53

How often is he having these debilitating hangovers?

ultimately, as parents, we have to assess whether drinking is compatible with our responsibilities - being hung over for days and drinking to manage the ensuing insomnia doesn’t sound very compatible to parenthood (or any kind of normal life to be honest).

HambleTheDoll · 08/09/2026 07:53

Does he want to stop? If not, you’ll have to leave him b

HairyToity · 08/09/2026 07:55

See if he'll get help. Cam you afford counselling?

blythet · 08/09/2026 08:37

If it’s only 2/3 times per year it’s more like a binge problem he has, where once he starts he can’t stop. It’s absolutely still an issue but I see it quite differently to an alcoholic who has to drink every day.

your DH has a choice in whether he starts to drink or not. Therefore if he knows how it will end yet chooses to do it anyway I’d have no sympathy. It would be so much easier for him to stop since he presumably can go months between sessions.

id be giving him an ultimatum and the next time he chose to put himself in that situation id be gone

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2026 09:03

OP

Why do you say he’s a good dad?. Women in poor relationships write that when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Denial is also a powerful force.

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the drinker. It’s all the effects his drinking is having on you as a family that is the problem here , not so much the frequency and there are other indicators anyway he has a long term unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?.

He has to address the reasons behind his alcoholism of his own accord, you cannot do that for him. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this . It may well come to pass he could well end up losing everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

If you really don’t went your kids around it then you and he need to part ways. This will keep on happening and as your dc get older they will notice more. They are already seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his drinking and he’s had this issue now for many years. It’s no life for them either and you end up provoking and not forgetting as well as enabling.

Do consider contacting Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person’s drinking.

I would also seek legal advice discretely re all aspects of separation including the house as you are unsure. Knowledge is power.

Thepossibility · 08/09/2026 09:11

Drinking throughout the night is actually shocking. I'm usually pretty relaxed with my attitude to alcohol but that is alcoholic behaviour. Immediately thinking alcohol is the answer to a problem is is also a huge red flag
I'm sorry OP that is really concerning.

fuchsteufelswild · 08/09/2026 10:56

So how often does he drink? If the night drinking as a separate issue occurs 2-3 times a year then he presumably gets drunk more often especially if there has been many a fight about it?

What's the average length of time he can go without?

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 08/09/2026 11:22

It’s only salvageable if HE wants to stop. The fact that you’ve said he’s ruined friends’ (plural) weddings and that you’ve had to get him home indicates that he doesn’t have the stop button that a normal drinker has.

Not all alcoholics drink every day and plenty can go for significant periods of time without a drink. It’s the unmanageable nature of the drinking plus the related consequences when they DO drink, that indicates that there’s a problem.

Original poster
Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 13:09

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 08/09/2026 11:22

It’s only salvageable if HE wants to stop. The fact that you’ve said he’s ruined friends’ (plural) weddings and that you’ve had to get him home indicates that he doesn’t have the stop button that a normal drinker has.

Not all alcoholics drink every day and plenty can go for significant periods of time without a drink. It’s the unmanageable nature of the drinking plus the related consequences when they DO drink, that indicates that there’s a problem.

Yes it’s this. He can go months and months without it. But he lacks a stop button. And there have been instances (pre kids) abroad when he was so drunk he couldn’t walk and I’ve had to sling him over my shoulders. He also can’t drink that much before feeling the effects, he is a bit of a light weight.

have a fairly relaxed attitude to alcohol generally but I can’t stand always being the sensible on a night out, the parent when his hangovers are so debilitating and so debilitating he can’t sleep and ends up in this awful cycle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 13:12

fuchsteufelswild · 08/09/2026 10:56

So how often does he drink? If the night drinking as a separate issue occurs 2-3 times a year then he presumably gets drunk more often especially if there has been many a fight about it?

What's the average length of time he can go without?

Drinks much less now. When we were younger and had no kids he would be drunk probably fortnightly as none of his friends had kids so there was always a beer friend on a Saturday or after football. I didn’t even mind it so much then as I liked going out too. It’s the hangovers I can’t abide now and the cycle of drinking to “cure” insomnia
after kids it is much much less, perhaps every 2/3 months (usually in the house). But everytime he drinks it’s drunk. Theres no one or two glasses of wine.

OP posts:
Daisywhatsyouranswer · 08/09/2026 13:13

The fact it’s only 2 or 3 times a year is a huge factor in this, which was a drip feed, and many posters will miss it.

i also thought this man is an alcoholic who drinks all hours of the day. If its w or 3 times a year i would say he is not, he’s someone who clearly struggles with insomnia and is self medicating on those nights.

Original poster
Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 13:59

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 08/09/2026 13:13

The fact it’s only 2 or 3 times a year is a huge factor in this, which was a drip feed, and many posters will miss it.

i also thought this man is an alcoholic who drinks all hours of the day. If its w or 3 times a year i would say he is not, he’s someone who clearly struggles with insomnia and is self medicating on those nights.

Yes 2-3 times per year he drinks throughout the night for 2-3 nights at a time, often missing work and drinking at 5am to “get to sleep”.

gets drunk more frequently although not as much as pre kids and seems to suffer an off switch

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2026 14:16

How often is he missing work?.

Again it is the effects his drinking is having on you all as a family that is also the problem. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

LlynTegid · 08/09/2026 14:18

I think you have to get him to seek to be teetotal. Only he can decide that though.

fiveyo · 08/09/2026 14:21

Imjustagirl222 · 08/09/2026 13:59

Yes 2-3 times per year he drinks throughout the night for 2-3 nights at a time, often missing work and drinking at 5am to “get to sleep”.

gets drunk more frequently although not as much as pre kids and seems to suffer an off switch

Edited
Show quote history

I'm a little unclear on the details do you man that 2-3 times per year he goes on 2-3 day benders, missing work and drinking through the night and through the day? Where is he during these multiple day benders? At home?

How often does he get drunk but not drink through the night / drink for multiple days?

Cotopaxi · 08/09/2026 14:26

Perhaps you need to sit him down and tell him he has two choices in life:

Either he puts his wife and children first, or he puts alcohol first.

Which is he going to choose, because one of them has to go.

LarryForPrimeMinister · 08/09/2026 14:33

Alcohol doesn't cause insomnia. Probably taking something else along side it sorry to be blunt.