Divorce - just told him and he’s sad

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

I’ve wanted to leave my husband for a few years, he’s moody and drinks too much and can be a controlling bully (non physical) at times. I told him this eve that I’m leaving and he was really tearful but calm and generous and sweet about it. I feel consumed with guilt, he looks so sad that I just want to go and hug him. I know I mustn’t because I do want to leave. But I’d expected him to shout and scream, and me to feel elated that I’d finally said it.,Instead I feel sad and flat. I really do need out, so why do I feel so dreadful and sorry for him? Is this normal?

because you presumably love/loved him at some points of your relationship and vice versa

We have separate bedrooms because he snores. He’s not snoring. He usually sleeps like a baby. He’s not sleeping. I feel so bad. I can’t cope with the guilt. I was going to text him but if he comes and asks me not to go then I’ll cave - and I’ll retreat it so much in a day ir two. I never expected to feel like this. I really do want out, I just sort of wish he’d been angry rather than just sad.

You want him to fight for you? That is normal too. Just read and remember what you said in the first line of your OP

This is the toughest part. The 'Is what I've done right' moments. It is so easy to go back to make life easier for yourself. It will change for a brief moment and then go back to how it was. You could waste your time ignoring my advice, I understand if you did. We've all done it at some point, but it is a waste of time going back.
Make plans to get out and move forwards and find the love that you truly deserve.

Make a note of the worst things that he has done and refer back to the note when you feel your resolve waivering.

Give it time. Sounds like a cycle to me. He will try to guilt trip you and "nice" you back. You cannot be with someone because you feel sorry for them. He drinks, is moody and is a controlling bully. Write down in your notes app all the horrible things he has done and said to you.

Brace yourself..I imagine the act will drop soon and the real him will appear soon when he realises this controlling tactic isn't working.

Make a load of notes on your phone of all the things that have pissed you off over the years and led you to this point. Dont put the rose tinted glasses on and reminisce. I was with a heavy drinker and its so nice now to be away from all that and divorced living separately

You’ve done the hardest part, don’t let this ‘act’ fool you. It’s actually called trauma bonding. You feel so sorry and bad as you have got used to being the person who just gives in. You are suddenly not behaving as he expected, and this victim act is probably a way of bringing you back under control as it might have been what worked for him in the past after rows etc. Be prepared for things to take a turn for the worst when he realises you aren’t going to change your mind and especially when money is discussed.

Hope you are ok, OP. Best of luck

Stick to your guns.

You are doing the right thing.

His feelings do not trump yours.

Of course it’s difficult, OP
You loved him and he loved you
But what you are feeling will pass and things will start to feel easier. Remember you want out for a reason