I'm 31 and was blindsided after 6 weeks with a consistent and seemingly secure man (38!).
Hes a dentist, fairly attractive, smart, and came across secure, very consistent and calm, until I felt little moments where I had to stop and take note.
He didnt really have any friends either which says a lot.
Looking back, he is a walking red flag - he began negging me, triangulating by mentioning other women who apparantly fancied him, asking me to rate him out of 10, asking if I had ever cheated, referring to himself as 'single as fuck' after being intimate, saying how younger women in their 20s are scientifically more desirable than women in their 30s and how a man of his age, status (dentist opening his own clinic) is the most desirable.
So many more very subtle minor things yet he also treated me very well. He spoke poorly of his exes, and got very defensive when a woman was talking about how men are trash, I began thinking, is this guy a misogynist??
He wanted to stay friends but I held him accountable and wished him well with a huge amount of grace and proceeded to remove him everywhere.
This was 4 weeks ago and it looks like hes moved on to a younger woman who happens to be a PT - shes 21, hes 38.
PLEASE HELP ME REFRAME THIS AS HE FUMBLED ME, I DID NOT LOSE HIM.
I KNOW I lost NOTHING. I KNOW I deserve better and he is totally useless to me. But why do I still care??
I logically know I dodged a bullet but WHY AM I STILL ANALYSING THIS?! Its been 4 weeks.
HELP ME REALISE THIS GUY IS A LITERAL TWAT.
This was his final message:
So one of the most emotionally traumatic I’ve ever been through was not getting closure after my last relationship. It was truly awful. So I’m going to share as much as I can to try and help give you that - feel free to ask as many questions as you need to.
I think the feeling of uncertainty and worry mainly comes from wanting -what I think is- an unfair amount of attention and focus, which I think you have to give to [name redacted, by MNHQ] so I feel it would be unfair to ask. I appreciate you don’t agree and would make space, but I’ve seen how much of a focus he is for you, and I feel bad for even thinking the way I do - it’s not fair on you. I don’t even think it’s something you’d be aware of day to day or moment to moment, it would just be the fact there’s someone more important than me at all times, which sounds like such a weak and petty thing, but I think it’s how I’d feel going forwards, wanting to be your number one but knowing I couldn’t be. Perhaps I’m not mature enough to deal with it, or maybe it’s from childhood traumas and not feeling it as a kid - I did touch on this in therapy, like I reach a lot, like I’m searching/yearning for connection, perhaps why I’m so affectionate. And I’m so needy that I foresee issues - I sound like a child, but I think it’s true.
I do also feel a strong sense of responsibility, and I think the whole 6 months down the line in ,and it potentially not working, as that’s a whole new variable to have to figure out, and the fact that I obviously don’t have a kid, so have no idea what that looks or feels like or what might or might not be expected of me, feels like a lot of risk, and I don’t like the idea of then being like ‘cool yeah not working for me bye’, that would be awful, and it leaves me feeling like it’s just so risky. This is less of an issue than the first thing, but certainly weighs on me as I’m not sure if I’m acting responsibly here. Which is why I came to you as soon as I could grasp that I had doubt, as I don’t want to be irresponsible with you or your son. I guess this is me protecting myself too? Perhaps subconsciously, but at the forefront I feel I’m protecting you from my ambiguity. I believe I should feel more certain, and it’s not fair, especially when there’s a kid involved, and your time is more limited and precious than mine, to take a significant amount of risk. Also in the background of my mind is my therapist telling me I should be dating (not that I am) and that I get into relationships too early, but again not really the reason for me thinking it’s a bad idea to continue. I just think, for whatever reason, you deserve someone more sure.
I really enjoy my time with you too, and care about you a lot - which is why I don’t want to just walk away and never speak to you again.
But of course I understand what you’re saying, and that it’s not fair to you to just try and be friends. I respect that fully. I just wish it wasn’t the case. I think that’s why I’m saying that if you’re ever open to being in contact, I’m here, and that won’t change.