Feeling Trapped In Marriage/Partnership Support Thread

[Thesilentwitness]

I'm sure someone is going to come along and say, you are not trapped it is always possible to get out. And it is. But sometimes it is a very difficult decision. And if like me, you feel unable to get out, it can be a very lonely place to be.
Please don't stay put if you are in danger. The bad far far outweighs the good in this situation and getting out may be the only option. Unfortunately, those of us feeling trapped are likely to be experiencing some kind of abuse even at a low level though not always as things may be amicable.
I've name changed for this as it occurred to me, it might be good to have a support thread for those trying to reach acceptance of their situation and the decision they have made (at least for the time being). I don't know about you but I'm wearing my friends listening ears out at times. It would be good to put stuff somewhere else and feel less alone.

Abuse comes from bad hearts but comfort is found in family and friends.

Yes, I'm learning this. Although sadly abuse can come from family and friends too.

Hi. Thank you so much for starting this thread. Thesilentwitness—I heard how isolated you are feeling with no one to talk to, and I wanted to reply so you know you are not alone in this dark place. I hope sharing a bit of my own situation helps bring some comfort, or at least reminds us all that we don't have to carry this completely by ourselves.

You're definitely not alone @Thesilentwitness, it's a very difficult place to be when your whole life is intertwined - children, home, finances, friendship groups. I don't have any answers but will be reading x

@Thesilentwitness How are you doing today, and how are others on the thread holding up?
I’m taking things one day at a time, currently dealing with burnout, work stress, and trying to process some other personal stuff. No big decisions today. I'll try to focus on my basic mental health, establish firmer boundaries at work, and get proper professional support in place.

It is isolating. I go back and forth, I just know it's going to be a nightmare.

@onescaredmamma—it is completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. You are not alone;
take care of yourself right now.

Bandicoot

Thank you for posting.

I could have written much of this. I have reached a burnout point. I think the stress of the past few years - both my relationship and other life stressors have stacked up. Combined with menopause and possible neurodivergence diagnosis (pending). I don't know how I'm ever going to fully process any of it.
I'm receiving treatment for childhood trauma (EMDR) and this is incredibly difficult. Last session has left me irritable as it centres around abandonment! Yep, that's right. I'm not sure I've been abandoned emotionally by my husband because I'm unsure he was ever there properly in the first place.
This brings with it an avalanche of grief.

I'm also trying to concentrate on the basics - diet and exercise.

Holding onto glimmers of positivity at the moment. Trying to count my wins.

youdon

Everything does feel intertwined.
My friends are my friends though, we never really had many shared friends.
The children require collaboration. We went through a phase of taking the dc out individually. Now we are doing a bit more together mainly upon the request of middle dc. My husband has had some minor health scares and the dc are aware of this and don't want their dad left behind. It's awkward though. We would go to a park and he would stand the other side of the park away from me. It made me feel so alone whereas I would try and engage in low key conversation. We live together, we should at least make some effort at being amicable but I'm afraid it is largely one way (me). It appears it has been very easy for him to make the disconnect. I have emotionally disconnected but I still care and I care very much for the dc and I want us to get on together as best as possible. I realise now, I never married my friend. Perhaps if we were good friends at the start we could have returned to that. I know people who have split and can get on reasonably amicably though rare granted.

I'm not sure there are any solutions here but perhaps a listening ear would very much help.

I don't want to see my dc 50% of the time which is what I think will happen.
I have abandonment issues (stemming back to childhood) which exacerbates the situation no doubt. My neurodivergence presents other issues which affects my functioning made worse by the menopause. In a way I am probably trapping myself here. But I've asked myself what would be my biggest regret. So I've decided to stay. It wouldn't be about finances, I could get by though of course it wouldn't be as comfortable financially as it is now.

Hello,

How is everyone?

I'm not doing very well at setting boundaries with work. I have hardly looked at Mumsnet this week.

Work takes my mind off things. I'm also struggling with late-diagnosed neurodivergence and perimenopause.

Also been thinking about my child and finances. I flip between feeling slightly optimistic that we could split and it might be better than bringing up kids in a toxic relationship, and sometimes the thought of leaving is so overwhelming, and I wouldn't know where to start.

This is also me tonight. Pregnant (18 weeks) with an 8 month old who doesn’t sleep. I’ve done all the nights alone for the entire time as breastfeeding and husbands has high pressured job, do all of the cooking washing and cleaning and tonight hit breaking point when my little boy bit me and I swore at him, (I shouldn’t have I know, I’m just exhausted and worn thin) husband heard and started to scream at me for cursing at the baby and told me I needed to pull my socks up as a mother.

I return to my extremely high pressured job on Friday and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I’m failing everyone all the time.

Husband is a good and engaged dad when not working, little one loves him, but 95% of all responsibilities fall on me and I feel so unloved and taken for granted. Tried to address it this evening and got told to ‘stop it - not everything is about you’ mean while he has missed the point entirely, nothing is about me.

This sounds incredibly difficult VineandIvy* I remember those days well.

The tiredness almost drove me psychotic and that was without being pregnant and managing a baby at the same time. To say it will ease is the truth but it definitely won't feel like that right now and it is a little way off.
Going back to a high pressured job? Is it full-time? Anyway to cut back on hours a bit for a while. Or will work give you some relief from escalating demands. Tiredness has a lot to answer for. Could you ask your husband to step in and provide practical support like changing nappies and bathing baby. Also with preparing a meal. I would let the cleaning slide for the time being and tackle the basics or maybe get a cleaner if you can afford it. If you are working, your husband needs to appreciate this and take on some of the tasks around dc and running a household. Even if you weren't working, I would say that your husband could support you with looking after dc and or household to give you some respite.

It sounds like you are not being heard or seen.
So sorry and a big hug wished for you.

Hi Bandicoot
It is positive that you recognise issues with work boundaries. Often, I wish I was working as a distraction from my life situation. I can see how this happens.

A good week so far, thank you. Another session of therapy has been gruelling but very insightful. I think I'm going to be in therapy a while. I am hopeful.
Getting fresh air. I love the outdoors. I've also started a dance class. This feels like a move forward. It is only for an hour a week but I'd forgotten how much I love to dance. Trying to connect with myself. Thinking about joining a gym but procrastinating as I'm not sure how often I'd actually use it.

I've drawn a line under leaving. It's taken the pressure off. I can turn the focus back to me and not the situation though the unhappiness at home feeling is perpetually rumbling and agitating my nervous system.
I know my situation is toxic and sometimes I imagine having a home of my own away from the resentment I feel. Unfortunately, I tend to fantasise a lot of how it could be and overlook the practicalities. Perhaps I am catastrophising about how it would actually be. But for now I feel like I've made the right decision to stay. There are pluses in terms of practicalities and physical support. I feel tired a lot (not helped by late nights like this) but also the menopause.
I am fortunate in that I have a couple of good friends. This helps save my sanity.

Lesbian couple. Partner has complex mental health issues including historical bpd which I’m pretty certain is the main issue. Love her to bits but the relationship is so rocky I’m struggling to know what to do. Life is simply exhausting and her psych has just referred me for a carers assessment. So complex if we were to split and it’s not what I want, but it’s also really hard to deal with everything that comes with loving someone with complex mental health issues. We also have kids and I would be heartbroken to not see my 15 year old step son. So for now I’m perservering and hoping when she finally reaches the top of the waiting list and gets some therapy things might settle a bit. My brain is so full of all the what ifs though, some days I do think my life could be so much more straightforward than it is currently