DP and I have been together for several years and started living together relatively recently. We both have children from previous relationships.
Since living together, I seem to have taken on more of the day-to-day housework. I’ve raised it with DP. He always suggests we sit down later (when kids aren’t around) to agree how things should be divided, which sounds reasonable, but the conversation never happens. If I mention that it still hasn’t happened, he becomes defensive or cold, and I increasingly find myself choosing my words very carefully.
On the occasions he does help with the hefty stuff, he does it so half arsed I wish I hadn’t asked. A recent example is that I was about to put a wash on when DP offered to do it, which was helpful because I was rushing out. When I returned, I discovered he had taken only his own clothes from the shared laundry basket and washed those, leaving mine behind.
On another occasion, clean laundry was stuffed into a drawer in a lump, so ended up so creased it needed to be washed again. Another time I found half the washing in a pile on the lawn because he’d got ‘distracted’ halfway through hanging it out. Mistakes and distractions happen, but when I point them out - even gently - the response tends to be irritation, or the suggestion that I’m nagging or being ungrateful, rather than an apology or an attempt to sort it out.
There have also been issues around boundaries. When the younger children have friends over, they sometimes use our bedroom for games, hiding among my clothes, pulling stuff down, using my makeup, etc. I asked that our bedroom simply be made out of bounds during these games, but DP acted as though I was being unreasonable.
An item of mine with sentimental value was also damaged and then hidden. I repaired what I could and asked DP to speak to the children - not to make a huge drama of it, but to address respecting other people’s belongings and owning up when something happens. Weeks later, he still hasn’t done so and becomes irritated when I raise it. This is one of the reasons why I worry about them playing in our room, I worry about my things getting damaged.
I’m not expecting perfection, and I accept that couples can have different standards re housework and parenting. What is troubling me is the emerging pattern: something affects me, I make what feels like a reasonable request, and the problem then becomes my request or the way I raised it. I’m beginning to dread mentioning ordinary things because of the mood that follows, and I don’t feel as though we’re functioning as a team.
AIBU or oversensitive? Does this sound like ordinary thoughtlessness and different domestic standards, or something more concerning? Are these the usual teething problems you get when two houses come together? What would you consider a reasonable response from a partner?