Moving to a younger neighbourhood is reminding me I am lacking love and a relationship

[bananamilkshake97]

I am moving to a new neighbourhood where I bought a small flat. My current neighbourhood is mostly people in their 40s and 50s and I am 28. I will move in next month. I was there on a walk today and saw a lot of young people there—it's a young-crowd neighbourhood—with many people around my age or younger. I expect almost all of them to be in a relationship. I have never been in a relationship or slept in a bed with someone else so I felt envy that I hadn't experienced what many people my age take as given. For example I felt envious seeing couples sunbathe on their apartments balcony drinking coffee and talking which I can only dream of happening on a Saturday morning as it never has.

It is easy to be optimistic and believe a younger neighbourhood will increase the chance of finding love but it will also remind me what I am missing every day. Also as a mathematician I understand the passage of time and I won't be young and attractive forever so I feel like my chances of finding love are escapting me which makes me feel even worse.

Honestly I want to be optimistic that I am single and free to do what I choose yet I dont think the freedom outweights the desire for intimacy.

If you want a relationship, you need to seek it. Are you doing much to find someone?

I’m sure someone has already asked you, but what have you done to increase your chances of meeting somebody? Have you joined any local groups, got involved in community activities? Churches?

Why not look into local community events to try a meet people. take some classes on small talk and networking to help with confidence, maybe get a friend to be a guinea pig. see if they have any pub talks or math meet ups. A lot of organised adult socials have tables for people who've come alone.

You have to be pro-social, even when you dont want to be. Say yes, go out even if you're not in the mood. the probability increases with the more people you meet and talk to.

I am looking more into psychological advice and ways to be confident in myself, but I ask myself whether I should be confident yes I am relatively young, fit, have my own place and money but the lack of love makes it hard to be confident. I want to believe that I dont need external validation (someone liking me) to have self-worth, but I dont think I can believe it.

What makes you think you don’t have people liking you?

Well I dont truly know it as a fact, but I am single so...

So… what? You’ve hitherto been living in a retirement town. It’s all about to change for you unless you let your negativity become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Get yourself out there!

Don’t rush to live with anyone. There are few greater joys than living by oneself. I miss it a lot.

And if you must share living space, make sure it’s with someone really special. Living with ex-DP was a miserable and soul destroying but living with DH has been a blast (still not as good as living on my own though haha). 🥰

I hope so, yet there will be a period until it happens when I will see the people in relationships and feel envy my question is how to combat the feeling and not feel bad?

I would suggest reading literature. There are many books that address how to live a life that is worth living, some fiction some non-fiction. These themes are explored in many books and from reading, you will gain your own understanding that everyone has their own story and that that each story is worthwhile. You will be able to accept that what happens to you is not a judgement on your value and that you have your own life to lead.

As a start, you might find it interesting to start to write your own life story. I’d also recommend the books by the psychologist James Pennebaker, in particular one called “Opening Up”.

What you are experiencing is your own understanding of your own life, which is precious.

And I’m trying to answer that question by reminding you that your lack of relationship experience so far has been more a product of your geography than your worth. As a mathematician, you surely understand this!

It also strikes me, on the basis of your seeming determination to shield yourself from anything that might remind you of people being in love, that you may even have accentuated the problems of finding a relationship in a retirement town by deliberately staying out of situations in which young people get together. Don’t make that same mistake in your new circumstances.

To me, it just sounds like you’re ready for a relationship.

It's not good or bad, it just is.

Having a relationship, I think, you want to be driven by interest in that person and joy they bring to you, not expecting them to complete your identity. But shared interests/outlook is a good starting point.

So maybe think about your own interests to find them?

When I was last single, I worked in a busy, people-centric job that left me (a grumpy introvert) feeling reluctant to contemplate much social interaction out of hours. However, I was in my late twenties and knew that I wanted to have a partner and family eventually. I forced myself to accept every social invitation that fell on my days off, and had an unexpectedly fun time out and about meeting people I'd otherwise never have crossed paths with. In the course of this I met my lovely partner of 15 years and now we have a beautiful family. I'm still a grumpy introvert but they force me to join in and get over it. So what I'm saying is - no one will knock on your door and hand you the life you want. You have to proactively seek it out, even if it takes you out of your normal routine or comfort zone.

You don't live in a cardboard box, and you're not being shot at. Those two facts, let alone that you have enough income to buy a flat, makes you one of the fortunate.

You say you want love: what are you doing to be lovable? Whose day is the better for having you in it? What expression do you thijnk passers-by see on your face?

You won't get a relationship if no one senses that you want one.

Humans are social animals. So be sociable. Smile. Speak to people you don't know, even if it's just to comment on waiting for the lights to change or wondering where the decaff tea is.

There's an article by Joanna Whitehead in today's i newspaper about a woman called Jess Dawson who posted a video on 1 Dec 2025: 'Day one of making a new friend every day'. This was a decision she made to improve her mental health. (I have no idea how to post a link to the actual newsprint spread out on my kitchen table.)

Good luck!

OK but what should I do to be lovable? Small talk is small talk but having small talk with someone even a couple of times doesn't mean it won't be considered rude to ask them out also clubs and joint activities in my view are mostly attended by people already in a relationship who want some time away from their partner, so that's that which leaves me with little room to work with.

one of my best friends is a mathematician and found herself in your position. She realised it was a numbers game. What she did was join a dating site, shortlist applicants and hold interviews for partners (she didn’t tell them that obviously, it was a coffee in Costa.)
she spent no more than an hour with each and only saw them again for a second interview if she really liked them.
she appointed her husband and they’ve been happily married 10 years now. Worked really well for her. 😊

A positive attitude is needed here. You are focusing on why you won’t find a relationship. Stop doing that and start believing in yourself.

I was older than you when I found love. I found him by making a concerted effort to meet lots of new people after moving to a new city.

i think love can come through opportunities. meeting someone can lead to meeting someone else. Its how i met my first love interest, through a friend at college.

Baby steps, @bananamilkshake97

Everyone who is honest and open, who is kind, smiles and is interested in others, is lovable. How do your family and friends view you?

You seemed to me to be open and honest in your original post, so that's a good start.

I don't know enough about you to give real advice. See if you can track down Jess Dawson on social media; I think you might find her approach to life interesting.

BUT you are about to move into an area where you don't know people. You could get to know your next-door neighbours by knocking on their door and introducing yourself. 'Hi, I'm Bananamilkshake. I've just moved into the next door flat.i wondered if you'd like to come for a cup of tea at the weekend - I keep thinking of things I'd like to ask someone about [the time the post comes/ how to find a cleaner/ which is the best Indian] but I don't know anyone in the area...' It may not work. But it won't if you don't try it.

If you are moving into a small block of flats, put a note through everyone's door and invite them for a glass of wine/cup of tea just to introduce yourself. Maje it clear it won't last long (between 6 and 7 next Thursday evening). Be friendly from the outset.

What do you enjoy doing? Find opportunities to do it. The 'I'm new and wondered if you could give a bit if advice.." approach should work for long enough for you to feel more at ease. Start with friendly-looking women of about your own age.

Go to the.same places so staff recognise you, and say something nice/kind/funny/interesting so thst when they see you coming, they smile.

Volunteer, if you have time. None of this is jntended as dating advice. It's about adjusting the way you live so that after a while you can invite someonr to do/see/something with you.
Honestly, I wish you well. I am widowed now, and have found the friendships I have made through joining in all sorts of activities very helpful

Well I do think family & friends view me in a good light, but I believe this is a not a great thing as I believe I meet women and they see me more as a friend and not someone who will invite them on a date.