He’s gambling again what should I do

[Chase909]

I’m looking for advice I have been with my partner for 7 and and half years and in May 2026 I discovered he was gambling hundreds of pounds for months maybe longer and not financially contributing to childcare fees which I paid for. I am the breadwinner in the relationship which he has told me numerous of times I think this is how he justifies his spending.

This shocked me and as a result we broke up he moved out of the family home. I should mention we’re not married we are engaged.

A short time later we did get back together and after discussions I later discovered he was also dipping his monthly wage which in turn made him short of money at times. We then broke up again due to the lies and dishonesty.

This then impacted my relationship with his mum we now no longer speak and this is where he was living when I asked him to leave our house. We have been living together again since July and back in our relationship but I did advise him do not gamble behind my back and I said he can bet if he goes to the booking shop not online as I don’t want betting history on his bank statements as in time we’re meant to be moving house and I don’t want our bank statements being checked and he looks irresponsible. I just wanted us to be honest and transparent with each other and no more lies.

Fast forward to last night I went out and came home and he was sat on the sofa and I seen what I was dreading the paddy power app. I confronted him and he said it was a free bet and became very defensive and angry that I was questioning him. This led to an argument and he then said four times this isn’t going to work if you can’t trust me. However I said you have ignored the boundary I set and you are gambling behind my back again and triggering me.

I can’t comprehend why he thinks he’s not in the wrong. he said it’s a free bet but he has also got his app for paddy power back and has been betting for one week due to asking him to see his banking app. He did not freely divulge the truth I had to ask to see his apps. I must stress I don’t ask him to see his phone or banking apps but he again was defensive and angry when he did show me.

I don’t know what to do but I feel if I allow this behaviour again he is walking over me. I do feel like I can’t tolerate this type of dishonesty but he makes me feel like I’m in the wrong and this is all my fault and why is it a big deal. I personally never feel he takes accountability and always blames someone or something else it was only a free bet what is the big deal he said.

we have two children and the thought of breaking up again means this needs to be it final and no going back for my sanity and for the sake of the children. I do feel afraid of breaking up being left with our two children and the thought of them living in a separate house makes me so sad if he took them overnight if he moved out. Especially when if we do break up he will go to his mums and we don’t get on and the thought of my children being up there without me makes me feel so upset.

please be kind and help me figure out what to do next.

When you speak about this, you are speaking to his addiction not to him. His addiction will say/do anything to be enabled. His only hope is if he admits defeat and his powerlessness in the face of his addiction. He is very far from doing that: leave.

He's an addict, either live with it and the issues or he is out. He has to want to stop gambling but will always be an addict, but appears he is not willing and you are reinforcing the failure by taking him back and saying 'just in a bookies...'. Do not put anything, anywhere in his ownership or name, make the break, trust is broken and that's no way to have a relationship.

You can't learn to live’ with a gambling addiction that will bankrupt you!

Do not marry him.
Do not buy a house with him.

You earn more, you cover the childcare bills, his contribution to the household will get ever more flaky and non existent.

And then when you inevitably divorce (if you can stick it out til the kids go to Uni) he will take half the house you paid for alone, half your pension, half of everything you have.

And then he will gamble that away rather than any chance of it being left to your Dc.

He is lying to you, he is turning the blame into you, he is depriving his family, his children of money.

He is not only ‘walking all over you’ , he will trample you and the kids into the ground in his compulsion to gamble.

You have already fallen into the trap of colluding with him by suggesting ways to hide his gambling from the bank.

Don’t marry
If you can buy a house in your name alone, do that.
Don’t buy a house with him
Have all your money and savings in sole accounts

He cannot and will not provide any security for your Dc while he has a gambling addiction.

So you must.

The biggest word here is “again”

I wouldn’t have had him back after that let alone give him the chance to do it “again”

bit like men who cheat - women have them back they do it “again”

be kind to yourself - have some self respect and get rid of him, you deserve better

Read up on what addiction entails.

The only way to help him is to cut him off completely and stop enabling him.

He has to hit rock bottom for himself.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Stay together and he will drag you down with him.

All addicts do that

He's not going to change OP, you've given him two chances already! What on earth makes you think it will be any different going forward? Him trying to shift the blame to you is classic addict behaviour - he will never take responsibility for his actions.

If you stay with him, you will have a lifetime of this - it will get worse. You will have bailiffs knocking on your door. You could lose your home.

Do you want your children growing up like this? They've already had the upheaval of you splitting up twice. They need stability and they will never have that with him in the home.

I think it's very unlikely that he will make much effort with the children if you separate. Addicts are inherently selfish and wrapped up in their own lives. Even if your children do end up spending the odd night with him, that's infinitely better than living with an unhappy stressed mother and addict father. Think long and hard about what's best for them - and yourself.

It can't be your fault

There is nothing you could possibly do that would force him, a helpless little lamb, to gamble away his money

You won't change him and, no matter what you might hope, his addiction will take the food from the mouths of his kids, their quality of life will be impacted by it

Best you can do is disconnect their every day needs from him. Put him out and take any financial contribution he makes as an unexpected bonus, don't rely on it

Best of luck getting your head round this

I’m a gambling addict and a few years back it was really bad to the point I was gambling hundreds a day and some days over £1000 (I would win some but if I was still down for that day or week I’d carry on to try and win it back) I was even waking up at 5am to gamble because I figured less people where online so my chances of winning were higher etc, gambling in work and everywhere and even in some situations that I’m ashamed to admit. My wife eventually found out but the money I was spending was all mine and it was actually my mum that saved my marriage by talking to my wife (my dad was a gambling addict) anyway I ended up going to GA, my salary was paid into a joint account that I didn’t have access to and my wife would only transfer money into my account for any personal bills I had and if I needed money for work etc she would transfer it but all very minimal. I probably went about a year without a bet and just before Christmas I relapsed and had a bad day where I lost £200 which was supposed to be for Christmas presents. Again my mum helped me out but promised if I ever did again she would tell my wife and I will lose my family. That day it really hit hard but I genuinely feel different now, I’ve got hobbies that keep me busy, I now coach a football team and things have changed and I haven’t even thought about a bet since that day.
your partner should go to a GA meeting, they are genuinely helpful and you can even go with him or if you wanted to go to one yourself you can and get advice. You need to take control of his money because as gamblers we simply can’t be trusted with money. It’s a long journey and majority of people do relapse but it’s open honest conversations and it eventually clicks and he will never look back again.
happy to chat if needed

I didn’t need to read all the thread move on you never win against someone with an addiction

Gambling addictions can be particularly damaging because there's no limit. A lot of other addictions are self-limiting to the extent that either the addict drink/drug themselves to the point of unconsciousness or they hit some temporary point where their bodies just can't cope with any more of the drug of choice, at least temporarily.

But with gambling then only thing that stops them is running out of money. There are so many ways that a serious gambler can get hold of money that they can blow through insane amounts before not even loan sharks will lend to them any more. And that's when a lot of them start stealing.

It's a desperate and intensely damaging addiction.

You struggle to understand him because you're not addicted.

You might want to try Gam-Anon
https://gamanon.org.uk/livingwithgambler/

"Have you noticed a personality change in them as their gambling progresses?
Do they consistently lie to cover up or deny their gambling activities?
Do they use guilt induction as a method of shifting responsibilities for their gambling onto you?
Do you attempt to anticipate their moods or try to control their life?
Do they ever suffer remorse or depression due to gambling, sometimes to the point of self-destruction?
Has the gambling ever brought you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?
Do you feel that life together is a nightmare?"

He's an addict, he's in denial, he'll say anything to try minimise and shift blame.

You gave him a clear choice, he chose gambling over you and the kids, he has shown you what's more important to him, believe him. If you let this go he'll continue to prioritise gambling and you'll never feel able to trust him.

Don't marry him, you could lose so much. If you stay with him, keep seperate finances, protect yourself financially and know that he will continue to chuck money away to satisfy his need for an adrenaline/ dopamine hit.

One for the bin. He clearly wont change. Do not marry him. Run for your life

The only way forward is to remain fully separated.
Do not join together financially or house.
He can gamble his own mobey etc himself and he will
Keep a house for you and dc. They can visit him

He loves gambling more than he loves you. It's his "other woman".

Perhaps therapy and addiction assistance may help him overcome this issue.

Gambling is an addiction. He is showing all the signs of addictive behaviour - lying, defensiveness being two of them. Like all addicts, he can only stop if he truly wants to and puts the work into overcoming his addiction. If he doesn’t, he will always find a way to gamble even if that means getting more creative with his secrecy.

I was with a gambler. On a monthly basis he would get paid then put his entire wages straight into a machine in the bookies. Then he’d call me all remorseful and expect me to pay all the bills and sub him for the rest of the month. If that didn’t work he’d go cap in hand to his family. Sometimes he’d take our pay day loans too. Foolishly I tolerated it for much longer than I should’ve because I thought it was shallow to leave someone over money and truly thought I’d be able to change him. But really I was enabling him. Maybe if I’d just moved out and let him deal with the bailiffs and the rent and no food he might have hit rock bottom sooner and wanted to do something about it.

Op all I can say is that gamblers will drag you down financially and emotionally. You can’t trust them and even if they do manage to stop it’s always precarious whether or not they’ll start again. Like an alcoholic.

If you really want to save the relationship you need to be tough and start making demands - therapy, self exclusion and no subs from you. But honestly, sometimes it isn’t worth the fight and you’re better off alone.

Oh and it goes without saying, have no financial links to him. Keep your money entirely separate. I ended up stuck with a finance contract for something I took out in my ex’s name for years after we split up. We live and learn.

I read the title of the thread. Just leave. It’s not going to get better.

I didn’t vote because your categories underplay the severity. He is an addict. This is not about respect.

Your role is to protect yourself and your children. You can’t fix him.

LEAVE.

As with any addict, the only person who can make them quit is themselves. Your boundaries/asking/threats/whatever make zero difference if he doesn’t actively want to stop and change and personally takes accountability for that.

Has he joined Gamblers Anonymous or similar? Tried therapy, spoken to his GP, tried hypnosis, or done anything to actively prevent him from gambling again? I’m betting (pun intended) the answer is no. Theeefore why are you expecting him to change?

Please don’t try to learn to live with his behaviour op. It will break you in the end and you will still eventually have to leave and start again so do it now whilst you still have some dignity, energy and spirit. And don’t get pregnant.