Considering limited contact with my mum after repeated family disagreements

[LLV]

My mum and I have had several bad patches over the years. All following tense discussions regarding her relationships with other people. I am now nearly 40 and contemplating whether our relationship just doesn't work and she would be happier with limited contact with me. I really don't want to make my mum feel bad about herself.But we have just had very different lives.I just fundamentally don't agree with her when she discusses her relationships. Two months ago we went out for dinner on a Saturday night, we were seated around large groups of families. She started a conversation saying she didn't understand why everything was so disjoined in our family. I was genuinely astounded by this remark and said it was because of the decisions she made. Her response was why does nobody ever consider what was done to her. My reply was everybody has the same frustrations as her, they just don't make the same decisions as she does. For example she stopped talking to her sister because she felt the relationship was to one sided, and the sister in law because she cancelled plans.I have the same frustrations with my aunts but would never end the relationship over it. My mother is very like my grandfather who was incredibly loved by me. But he was a character and also regularly fell out with people. I said to my mum that I just think she has a very similar way of thinking to her father. This infuriated her and she said she really doesn't understand why my grandmother did not leave him. My response was what would that have achieved? End of conversation was I think I know everything. Dinner bill was settled and her husband came to collect her early and we haven't seen each other since. We have text three weeks ago when she wished me happy birthday but nothing since. Previous disagreements have been about aunts, my father, my father's mother, her step children, her husband etc. I believe she feels I am never on her side. I feel I will not go through life criticising other people and won't be coerced into slagging people off especially loved family members. We have had agreements over the years about boundaries that I don't slag off her husband and she doesn't slag of my family but it just doesn't stick. I genuinely love my mum and we enjoy spending time with her when the boundary is respected. I wonder if my mum is purposely falling out with me to avoid spending time with me. She has a busy life, work, hobbies , close marriage. Just looking for any wisdom really from people who may have navigated something similar. Is it normal and to be expected, should we admit defeat and have more limited contact with each other, or do people adapt their principles to keep the peace with there parents?

It sounds like your mothers relatives treated her poorly and she wouldn’t put up with it, as oft advised on here.
you let them treat you poorly to keep the peace, and see your mum as the problem maker for not doing as you do?

To be fair you hit fairly hard with your response and at a dinner table, I don’t know what you expected! And I agree with the first poster, do you not see similarities? I think if you’re happier apart then yes maybe ease out of seeing her so much

Great perspective thank you for sharing. Obviously husband and friends are similar to me so always back me up. Very useful to get a outside look. Appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Her opinions about the family are as valid as yours. If it bothers you, just keep conversations light hearted and neutral, when you meet.

She does sound pretty scorched-earth in her approach to relationships. It's not at all how I would want to live, but it's her choice. Does she resent you for not adopting the same extreme attitude as she has?

Sweetheart of course you wish there was something you could do. Of course you dream you can make it different you can be the person to explain it to her and she’ll suddenly realise and then start loving you like you need.

but then there is reality. And it doesn’t sound like your mum likes reality much hence the faux ‘I’m so confused about my lack of relationships’ and the disagreement with basic facts. It’s exhausting.

Why don’t you just steer clear of difficult areas of conversation? End of the day, you aren’t your mum, you haven’t experienced the relationships the way she has. Your experience of these people may be totally different to hers. She may also have higher expectations/boundaries in how she wants to be treated. I think it’s pretty judgemental of you tbh. If she is a good mum to you you need to be able to gloss over the parts of her you don’t like and focus on the good stuff.

From your post it’s hard to tell how extreme your mum is.

is she someone who when someone offends her (by their actions that are part of normal life) she cuts them out of her live and behaves in an angry way rather than staying clam and trying to resolve things and move forward? If so then these people are very difficult. Their emotional immaturity and tendency to view the actions of others being about them/ purposely done to hurt them make having relationships difficult.

Fgs just don’t engage on this topic.

people have complex and difficult relationships sometimes. Nobody responds well to being told it’s their fault.

mmhmm that must be difficult, what do you think about the match/this new tv series/the new decoration in the pub?

In my experience when a difficult person is doing their staged confusion I don’t leap in. Let them spell it out or at least give them an opportunity to explain what they mean. If they are actually performing pain they then get cross that you haven’t read your part of the script ‘oh you know what peiple are like, everyone is mad these days’ you know the score. If there is a genuine confusion they’ll be happy to explain.

So you are considering going low contact with your DM because you don't like how she goes low contact with others. İs that right?
See any parallels?

I've found the replies really useful and something clicked in my mind. I nearly always make the plans with my mum and I subconsciously plan things where I can break when boundaries are crossed. Going shopping, walks in parks etc she brings up relationships oww mum looks at that lovely flower etc. Looking back all previous disagreements have happened in tight situations -restaurants, ques, planes etc. I will work on being better at changing conversations in these environments. My mum is genuinely confused I believe why I don't deal with things the same way she does. I fell I've had a lifetime of watching her being critical and ending relationships and I don't see what happiness it has brought her. I see people who are less judgemental and focus more on themselves who to me seem more content. Outside of difficult family dynamics my mum has tried her absolute best and I appreciate it. We had a lovely home, were supported in hobbies, and she has always made a effort to spend quality time with us.

So my mum isn't low contact she will not speak to the person. If her sister and her are at a funeral she would refuse to say hello etc. In this recent fallout she was the one to leave early when she was due to spend the night. I'm trying to work out what's best going forward as we've only text once in the last two months. So she's not gone no contact but maybe she's alluding to the fact she would like less contact.

It's hard to say without knowing her, but maybe she is (unconsciously) putting you in a position where you have to make some effort to see her and get back in her good books, because that will reassure her that you love her. She sounds as though she might evaluate her relationships based on how much work the parties are willing to put in (eg, cancelling your SIL because she cancelled plans).

We all do this to some extent, but it can be exhausting when someone takes it too far. You feel you're dancing to their tune.

I'm sure the two of you will get back on the right foot eventually, if the will is there ... but make sure you do it on your own terms.

Sending solidarity. Sounds like your mum thrives on the drama? Also sounds like you have a good insight into what works for you in order to avoid conflict.

I know someone in my extended family who has fallen out with most of her immediate family, including her adult DC. We only hear her skewed side of the story.

My own mother is being a nightmare at the moment although in a different way from yours.

She's elderly though and not in good health so can't go no contact , but suffice it to say she wasn't a good mum to me as a child so my so i struggle to feel much goodwill towards her situation.

if the mom thrived on drama i doubt she'd be low contact with people

if the mom thrived on drama i doubt she'd be low contact with people

the people who enjoy conflict end up with less people around them. Most people aren’t wired that way and just get a horrid mix of hurt by and bored with people with that outlook. I used to think my relative had few friends because they pushed them away, I see now people just kept away over time when that streak in their personality got the better of them. Oosh. You know the scenario. The absolute vomit in their mind spills out. Nothing makes me run for the hills faster.