Lonely

[Glasgowgirls]

My husbands behaviour is starting to cause me to feel depressed. Im trying my hardest to keep the peace but whenever I try to discuss thing's he says its all in my head.These are some of the thing's he criticises me for
Running the tap too long when cleaning teeth
Moving the seat in the car ( i can't reach the pedals without moving it forward(he says i can reach )and he cant get in the car if I forget to put it back
Watching a certain soap on tv
Listening to a certain radio station he comes in and switches it off
Getting up too early
Mopping the floor too often
If I have a drink if wine he says watch what youre drinking,other times he encourages me.
I answer back but it resuts in constantly arguing
These are just a few of the many things he does
I know they sound petty but its the constant criticises and picking at me thats affecting me.
I feel trapped in this relationship but too old to leave him
Feel so lonely
Is this normal behaviour I dont know anymore

You're not to old to leave. He's a horrible old sod who deserves to be dumped. How long have you married and treated like this. Can you leave him. Do you have somewhere else you can go.

I have been married for over 40 yrs
His behaviour has definitely been worse lately
Its just the way he makes me feel that im making a lot out of thing's but its really getting me down now
He makes me question myself
Is it me like he says
I Feel like im going mad
Ive nowhere to go unfortunately

I hope you have enough hobbies and interests of your own outside of the home.. anything at all , social sports like rounders, knitting or craft club, stuff that enriches your life.. and stick earphones in for your favourite show on the radio.. Can you go away for a few days on your own? To friends or family? I ve a home abroad and little stints away remind him of what’s missing when I’m gone..

Just the turning off a radio he knew I was listening to, would be enough for me. My ex used to do that.

It is the action of a selfish controlling man who believes what he wants takes priority, and wants to make your life less joyful.

It isn't you. Your dh is turning into a nasty joyless controlling git. I assume you don't have children living at home so no dcs to take into account.

The next time he does it, I would turn the radio straight back on, and suggest that perhaps you would be better selling your house and going your separate ways if he finds your choice of music so intolerable.

@Glasgowgirls From what you have written I immediately picked out his gaslighting and controlling behaviour. Let me reassure you that it is not you, it’s all him - and it is intentional behaviour on his part. This man will grind you down until there is nothing left. Please seek help to get him away from you.

Ita a relief to read that im not imagining everything as he puts it.
He really does make me feel that its me and beginning to question my own sanity.
I feel so worn down I dont have the energy to constantly fight back

Looking back he was like this when i first started to see him years ago and now all these years later its at its worst.
I'm sitting here crying and he's just said "I am focusing too much on the negatives in my life" and has now gone outside to do some gardening. I can hear him singing .
I feel hatred towards him.
Thank you for your replys ,its helped me.

Oh love, you don't have to live like this - he sounds like an abusive controlling bully! It's never too late to leave - if you own a property together, you can take your half after divorce and find a little place of your own. Imagine the peace and safety of being able to go about your normal activities without constant criticism! Do you have friends and family who can support you?

I have a son and daughter, unfortunately my son has massive mental health problems and that in itself is hard supporting him.
My daughter doesn't really offer much sympathy ( although she doesn't see how he treats me really)
I have suspicions that he tells her thing's about me in a negative way.
For instance today I have been crying and I think he makes out im unstable.
I know for a fact she couldn't live with someone like him,she's a lot more assertive than me and she'd never put up with it.
I wonder if he's worse new because no one would want me now im old and would find it hard to start again at me age.
Just a thought.

Please try and leave. You can’t spend the rest of your life like this however old you are. If you explain to your daughter how your husband treats you, hopefully she will help you to move. You don’t mention whether you own the house, but even if you couldn’t manage a mortgage on your own, you could sell up, take your half share and rent.

We do own our house but in reality I dont think I could leave him.I have to think of my son, he's never seen how he speaks to me.

My son is really unwell mentally and any type of upset would tip him over the edge.My only hope is trying to create more of a life of my own but as I get older my confidence isnt great.
Do these people who gaslight treat other people like this or just focus on one person?
He is quite sociable with everyone except me.
He can be very loud and not diplomatic at all though.
He doesn't seem to have anyl filters where people's feelings are concerned and often embarrases me with his comments.
He insults people and when I tackle him about it he says dont be ridiculous "im only joking"

I wonder if he's worse new because no one would want me now im old and would find it hard to start again at me age.

He may think that, that you are trapped, but it doesn't mean it's true.

Ive just looked up the meaning of gaslighting. I cant believe hot many traits he has of this.All of them actually.
Can you actually try and stop someone doing this or is it their personally so impossible.
I need at least try and stop his actions but dont know where to start
At the moment I have 2 options
One is to leave but like I said that is not really likely.
The other is to stay in the same house but lead separate lives.

I think you might be a bit older than me op and your son an adult whereas I have one adult child and younger dcs so slightly different situation.
I am married to an unpleasant man but unlike you, I didn't see this side to him until much, much later.
You have to decide which decision you will regret the most. In my case I decided to stay as I do not want to see my dc 50% of the time and my husband would attempt to see them as much as possible as he is controlling. It's tolerable but my husband definitely went through a period of being really horrid toward me and attempting to weaponise my dc which was really painful. Fortunately, things have settled.
People don't understand the dynamics often on here. It is not always easy to just leave even though it might look that way to them. So many variables such as our own health issues (tick), small support network (tick), dc's (tick) and finance - this would be okay but obviously less comfortable. There are likely more than these variables. It can be complicated.
If you have spoken to your husband and things haven't improved, they probably won't.

You do have to lead a separate life in effect. I believe it's called the grey rock method but essentially pick your battles. Don't interact or react unless it's completely necessary. Keep the conversation on household matters/your son in a business like way. Hopefully, someone will come along and elaborate on this.
I am fortunate in that I live in a reasonably large house and can use separate rooms such as bedroom, study, bathroom and TV viewing.
It is without a doubt painfully lonely. You are not alone. There are many many people living like this and quite honestly there needs to be a support network for those who do for whatever reason because it is awful.
I'm missing my eldest daughter who is in her last year of university as I am attempting to build my social network up (it's changing but very very slowly).
I have companions now with whom I can attend various social events.
It is not easy and my daughter when here provides a certain degree of companionship (though is obviously my daughter first and foremost and has a social life of her own). I never offload onto her about her father and make a large effort to display a degree of amicability toward him.
Your husband will probably present differently to the outside world. No-one would suspect my husband relates to me as he does.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Please call women’s aid for some advice once he is out. He is a bully and it’s all about power and control. Is there anyone you can talk to that you trust like a friend or a family member,?

Im sorry that you have suffered this too. Like you say there should be some kind of support network for people like us.
I have been alone in a separate room today to avoid any further conflict
The trouble is that in the morning he will ask me what's wrong as though nothing has happened and the whole process will start again
Likes you say its a very lonely place to be in.
Thank you for your suggestions and wish you well in your own journey

Sadly, things are not going to improve so you should start to make plans.
(It sounds as if your DH might be drifting into dementia?)
Sorry to hear about your DS. Do ask your DD to help you build a way out of your current situation. Start telling everyone around you what is happening so that you are building a network of people who know your reality.

I have wondered this too regarding my husband who is a fair bit older than me. I think he may well drift into dementia eventually. His memory is not always good and a neurological condition is suspected (it's treatable).
When your husband asks you what's wrong, you don't need to tell him if you don't want to and especially if the situation is not improving. "Nothing, I'm fine."
Then to appear slightly conversational perhaps make some comment about the weather. Its awful but it's self protection.
It is also good advice to try and find a confident. I have a couple of these and they have been wonderful in terms of a listening ear. Be warned though friends who you thought were friends may also back away perhaps not knowing how to help or they may not be true friends. It does make your reality more real. I am also going to arrange some counselling so that I have somewhere to put stuff but this is of course costly.
Presumably your dd is an independent adult. If so, I see no reason why you can't tell her what is happening. I would keep it matter of fact in terms of as being as respectful about your husband as possible where your dd is concerned.
And yes, you could also make plans such as checking your finances.

Day 1 of trying to lead my life without him spoiling it.
Ive walked to the local garden centre,had a browse around then called for a coffee.
I can't tell you how good it felt,not worrying about doing/ saying anything wrong.
He said just as I way leaving just think of the positives in your life and not the negatives.
I just ignored his comments, im determined to have a nice few hours out.
Ive told him before that its his behaviour that's my problem, nothing else but he wont accept it.
Back home now,another little dig when i got in but hay ho.

Bright, breezy, and above all distant is the way to go with this if you’re intent on staying for the time being. ‘Yes dear, no dear, what lovely weather we’re having dear, I don’t know what you mean dear, I’m having a lovely time’ then lead your seperate life. Also remain breezy around the kids because he’ll start to look unstable if he keeps telling them you’re a miserable so and so and they only see you having a good time.

If you really can't leave keep it light and breezy, be out as much as you can without telling him where you're going! Join some local groups, book clubs, keep fit anything, open at your world so he becomes so insignificant.

I would have to answer back in some way though "He said just as I way leaving just think of the positives in your life and not the negatives." I would say Trust me Bob, I know exactly what the positives in my life are... TaaLaa

F