It’s happened to me too… can my marriage recover?

[MylifeisFUBAR]

I’ve just found out my husband has been messaging and meeting up with another woman behind my back. They haven’t had sex (as if that fucking matters)

I have a three year old and I’m 13 weeks pregnant with our second.

Has anyone ever managed to recover their marriage after this kind of betrayal?

We’ve been together 16 years.

Go easy on me. My head is a mess right now.

There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you. Can you really forgive him, deep down? Or is the trust broken now? Is he a good man in other ways?

I forgave my then boyfriend 15 years ago for an emotional affair. He is a good man, we were going through some stuff at the time. We had counselling, ended up married and had a family but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still play on my mind now and then. Not like every day or anything.

Im sorry you’re going through this.

How old are you both?

Youve been together 16 years but have young children. I am guessing early 30s?

Kindly, I would be worried. I would want a sit down with him, and maybe our parents, to find out what he really wants.

Sorry OP but how do you know that they haven't had sex? Generally they only admit to the bare minimum they can get away with. But messaging this OW and meeting up with her is total betrayal of you.

How did you find out about the affair OP?
You really need time to process your thoughts. Is he still in the family home or have you asked him to leave?

Thank you for such a kind and balanced reply.
In many ways my husband is the best man I could ask for. An excellent father and supportive partner. Honestly I thought we were the perfect team.
He says he wants to do marriage counseling and save our relationship and family. But ultimately even if I find away to move on, I’m not sure I could forget the hurt he’s causing me.

I’ve read messages on his phone. I believe they haven’t had sex because the messages say they haven’t.

He’s gone away for a few days.

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP.

Have you family or a close friend you can talk to ? Someone who can support you .

@MylifeisFUBAR
How did you find out?
I don't think I'd describe any married man seeing another woman as a good father or husband.
So sorry this is happening to you, especially at this time.

You thought he was a good partner and father. His actions don't match that description. He was willing to do something that he must have known could see him being away from his children at least 50% of the time (more for baby I expect) because, why? Was he bored?

He’s gone away for a few days? And left you like this? Where is he and why?

Emotional affairs can be really devastating for the betrayed partner. The fact that it is built on and sustained by a social or emotional connection as opposed to 'just' gratified lust gives it a special kind of sting.

I think it does matter whether they've had sex or not. If you decide to forgive him and try to rebuild your marriage, I think it'll be easier knowing he has not shared that aspect of relationship with her -you're not going to have to wrestle with your imagined idea of what it was like for him, making love to her, comparing yourself and so on.

If you think you're going to end the relationship, begin to tell a few friends and family straight away. It'll help you stay firm and not succumb if he tries to win you back.

Equally, if you decide to try to move on from the affair and work it out, think hard about who you want knowing about what he's done. Do you want the possibility of your confidence being shared more widely than you intended, and for your husband's affair to be discussed among your friends and family? You might find it supportive, or you might feel really exposed. Once you share, they can't un-know it in years to come -what do you want the story of your marriage to be among the people who know you? But by not sharing, you could end up carrying something that doesn't necessarily stop being painful very quickly, alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Getting over an affair asks so much of the spouse that is doing the 'forgiving'. The 'bar' for your husband's redemption will be set high -is he the kind of person who will be able to sustain being in "I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm really trying to make it up to you"-mode for as long as it takes? All his other annoying traits and habits will still be there, and life with babies and toddlers is hard. When you're both dog-tired and wired, and he comes up short in some way, will you be able to address the thing that's bothering you in isolation without seeing it, and him, through the lens of the betrayal? It's hard being in the doghouse for a long time, however justifiably, with resolution and actual forgiveness tiny dots on the horizon. You will need to be prepared for all the colours of remorse, push-back and resentment and still be willing to keep on meeting each other in the mess of it all and walking through it together.

Honestly I think a lot of depends how they’ve met. If it’s meet through work or he’s specifically set up a tinder account etc and it’s a new ‘connection’ then you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. But if it’s maybe an old acquaintance and he agrees to go NC that’s possible with couple and individual therapy. They don’t normally agree to change jobs etc for your piece of mind, if it’s work but if he does maybe that’s positive.

I am really sorry. Genuinely. I’ve never felt sadness like it when I went through this. Didn’t end well but they also didn’t make any changes. Actions always speak louder than words. All the best. There was no children involved in my situation.

Right, that was my diplomatic response above but I am also pregnant and if my now partner did this in the first trimester to me, I don’t think I could forgive him. I would think he’s shown his true colours. I’d never felt more vulnerable with morning sickness, quickly changing body and fatigue and that’s how you’ve been treated when you need extra support. The messed up thing about this situation is even though they are the ones who have fucked up, you still try to ‘win’ their attention back too. Do you also have the energy to put into this relationship?

I just want to say thank you for spending the time to reply in such a thoughtful and insightful way. A lot of points you have made ring true and resonate with me and have given me much to think about. It sounds like your talking from experience, maybe not, but if so I’m sorry you had to go through it too.

Your parents, wtf!?!

"You will need to be prepared for all the colours of remorse, push-back and resentment and still be willing to keep on meeting each other in the mess of it all and walking through it together."

True remorse is needed from the cheater for reconciliation. It's not a good sign that "He’s gone away for a few days." Where has he gone?

OP, I suggest you visit SurvivingInfidelity. They are pro-reconciliation but also know when the fundamental requirements for reconciliation are not being met.

Keep your eyes open.

The fact that he did it while you were pregnant wohld be a deal breaker for me as that’s such a uniquely vulnerable time for a women. He clearly was planning to sleep with her and then you afterwards.. the danger of that alone to you and your unborn child with sti’s etc is vomit inducing. I don’t know .. it’s v easy for others to say leave but you are risking the rest of your life staying as he is likely to do it again. V rarely does it work out and they don’t. How has your marriage been up to this point ?

Don't let the pregnancy cloud your judgement. You're carrying his child, and yet he's dabbling his feet in another pond to see if it's nicer than the one he's in with you. Does that sound like a man who loves and cherishes you?

I may sound harsh but I forgave. And of course it's happened again. I'm now seriously stuck because financially things are so much complicated than it was the first time round. Your peace of mind is worth far more than having a cheat in your bed at night.

@MylifeisFUBAR, yes, and still working it out. I think it is safe to say that a relationship effectively ends once a disclosure is made -it really will not be the same again. But it is not to say that you can't rebuild something different in its place; people do this all the time.

It is really important to use time to your advantage in the aftermath. If you want to call it a day, don't hang about, act quickly. Chances are that if you're too slow off the mark, you'll get reeled back in and find it harder to make your exit. If you want to get out but it is not advantageous to you to end the relationship straight away, you need to have nerves of steel and play the long game, hopefully with grace and dignity, keeping your eyes on the outcome you're trying to manifest and toughing it out. And finally, if you're reluctant, for whatever reason, to walk away, you really can't be half-hearted about the work that staying -for however long- will entail. I don't mean half-hearted as in how committed you are to your husband necessarily, but that you're committed to the hard, hard work of examining who you are and what you want, including getting really honest with yourself about why you are considering consolidating a marriage to someone who has lost sight of their love and care for you to this extent. This is allowed to take time; weeks and months of showing up for yourself. And this is the time when your initial decision about whether, and if so, who to tell will be important. You'll either have told no-one, so sitting with the whole sorry mess of it alone, but without the distraction of your family or closest friends also having opinions about the decisions you're making -you're free to work it out on your own. Or perhaps you have shared with a carefully chosen few, who will support you, but you may find their concern and advice distracting from your own processing of what has happened and decision-making regarding next steps.

Wishing you the best of luck, OP.

Ergh This is a horrendous timing... pregnancy was one of the only times in my life i felt truly vulnerable.

I must be some kind of sociopath because honestly if I were you... i'd make the right noises, square the circle, avoid any sex, take my full year mat leave, get my finances very orderly, get him pulling his weight while they are small and get back to work. Once youngest is about 2 and oldest is in school and can do wraparound. Ie until life is easier. And I'd financially prepped i'd be gone.

Separately, I am just astounded by what absolute fucking losers 99% of men are. When I think back to how much time i wasted caring what these absolute dolts thought of me I shudder. I am not sure of its 40s or having kids but my eyes are just so open.

What's absolutely tragic is just how common your story is.

I wish you luck 💐

I read somewhere on here that marriages of 10+ years have some chance of withstanding an affair.

Where has he gone for a few days? Sounds selfish and spineless. And likely he’ll at least message OW whilst away.

Did he tell you or you discovered it?

Just saw you discovered it so he didn't come to you because he was sorry. It would still be going on and might still be. Sorry.

Either way, he knows you're dealing with a traumatic life event finding out he's having an EA, you're pregnant, you have a 3 year old, and he's gone off for a few days?

He's hardly a good partner or father.

Call in support. Do you have a good friend you can open up to about this? Someone who can watch your 3 year old for a couple hours do you can have a bit of time to yourself?

Just to clarify, he’s on holiday with his best friend. Yes, I believe him.
before anyone can jump in and say ‘why didn’t he cancel it’ I wouldn’t have let him do that. His friend lives in another country and so rarely get to see each other and I just don’t think it’s fair to his friend to have his plans upended because of my husband’s despicable actions. And to be honest, I don’t think I could bear to be around him right now anyway.

I deliberately wanted to keep the details to a minimum as I don’t need or want judgement from anyone right now. What I wanted was to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. Who understand what I’m going through. Who can tell me what they did to build their relationship back up but also if they decided to walk away, what made them realise it wouldn’t work.

What on earth do their parents have to do with anything?!

Yes it can recover but it is never the same, something new has to be built. But firstly he has to cut ALL contract with OW, he has to be completely transparent with ALL devices, if he works with her then he mUST move jobs. Then it is up to him to repair he must look at why he gave himself permission to cheat on you what was missing in him. Was it his ego that caused the affair or because he no longer cares or loves you. He should be on his knees grovelling for forgiveness. Btw you don’t need to forgive (it’s overrated) you just need to know if you can live with his betrayal. A starting place might be the website “surviving infidelity” it is for both. DO NOT let him gaslight you or sweep this under the carpet, if you are to get through this you have to be able yo freely talk about what's happened as you will have lots of triggers. But ultimately his response to his infidelity and his actions going forward will tell you if he truly wants to save yhe marriage. It may be too early for marriage counselling just now but he must start individual counselling to get to the root of why he wanted to blow his life apart was his OW so important to him, can he live without her in his life. You also need counselling by yourself to look at what you want. Do you think he realises the hurt, pain, devastation he has caused ?

what do you want, @MylifeisFUBAR , and who can you talk to who will be relentlessly and non-judgmentally focused on helping you get that?

Don't tell him straightaway - what he does and doesn't do will tell you a whole lot.

and absolutely prep financially for a situation where you might end up splitting within a few years. not because it's inevitable or your only option, but because it gives you choices and choices are power.