Could my boyfriend's emotional detachment be depression, burnout or something else?

[Goldiel]

I think there is something wrong with my boyfriend but I don't really know what it could be. He's absolutely not a bad person and very gentle but he generally seems really detached and disinterested in people. It's definitely gotten "worse" or more noticeable and I'm wondering if these might be signs of depression or maybe burnout.
He caused some upset last weekend when he called someone dramatic when they talked about something that clearly upset them. This evening we were with friends and he casually mentioned that he saw a child get hit by a car today, but he seemed surprised that we were all shocked and wanted to know more because he had apparently just decided to keep driving because he hadn't been involved, didn't care and because he had to be somewhere. He hadn't even mentioned it to me earlier today.
When we got home he went straight to bed because he was tired which is ok of course but again not the usual behaviour.

I just think these things have become more pronounced and I think that something is wrong but I know that he'll just claim to be fine if I raise it again.

Does this sort of thing around familiar? I was thinking of depression or burnout but I am no expert at all. Any suggestions welcome

Maybe just his personality. People are different /unreasonable to expect everyone to react the way you do. Why should he stop and gawp if he has nothing to add to the situation and competent people are already dealing with it? Unless he has particulat skill to add -eg doctor?
And even if a person is upset didn’t mean they have to create drama -I have a friend who demands attention for the least inconvenience -you don’t have to go along with it.

How old are you both? Do you live together?

Maybe he’s not for you. Might be a nice chap but he’s not a problem for you to solve. A boyfriend is often a trial run before commitment.

Would you want to have kids or an entire lifetime with this man the way he is? Or are you trying to ‘fix/mould’ him into something else that suits you better? Personally I’d spend time trying to work out why you are still with him / hoping he changes / you can fix him (assuming you think he needs to change) rather than moving on to a man who’s traits you prefer.

Someone else may like the way he is. Maybe. It would not be for me.

I believe love is not enough on its own for a good relationship.

Just to add - As for not stopping, if you witness a person being hit by a car surely you would stop and call 999 then write a witness statement for the police? No drama or gawping needed. I’d write an immediate account of events in the hope it helps someone. I’d provide my name and phone number to the adult at the scene. Surely it is basic decency to provide an account of what happened. If the kid ran out it may protect the driver, if the driver was reckless it may help the child get justice.

I would want to know why he didn’t act with basic decency. And if an adult wasn’t clearly taking charge of the situation / getting an ambulance I’d want to know why he didn’t stop.

My concern is more that it's gotten worse in the last few months. If he was always this detached that would be an entirely different story but it's the change that worries me because it's been creeping up into social situations. But he just says that he is fine.

Why are you with him?. You cannot rescue him or be a saviour in this relationship, neither approach works. He keeps on claiming he’s gone too. Such men don not change, they just get worse and worse with time.

You’re also being dragged down by him

He’s been pretending but right now he’s showing you who he is. @KittyCorncrakeWere were you at the accident scene to confirm that ‘competent’ people were dealing with the situation?? He sounds odd to me. Not having the decency to stop and ring 999 after witnessing a CHILD being run over. Or anyone. He’s not a good citizen.

How long have you been with him? Could he possibly be neurodivegent and previously masking?

How long you’ve been together is relevant. It’s possible he’s been masking up until now.

About a year and a half. As I said he has always been a bit like this but not so obvious. But yes, he definitely finds social interactions involving multiple people exhausting (but then who doesn't).
Regarding the accident. He said that it was just outside a school and that there were plenty of people around so he didn't see "any point" in getting involved.
I don't want to change him, I am just wondering if I'm missing any warning signs that he might be unwell. But most here seem to think that its nothing unusual and just a personality trait

A lot of people don’t find social situations involving multiple people exhausting. Lots of people are energised by those situations.

I don’t think it’s just a personality trait to be so detached, though. It could be neurodivergence that he’s been masking. He may not even be aware of it in himself, but he may have been on his best, most personable behaviour for the first stretch of your relationship and be burnt out now so it’s all showing through.

What is he like with you? Is he caring and considerate? Does he respond with empathy when you’re going through challenging experiences? Does he provide emotional support instinctively?

Hi op how long have you been together? What do you know about his other relationships with family etc? How does he react when he realises he’s been thoughtless? Is remorse for anything a thing in his life?

I’m from a family with very high emotional IQ

I’d find this disturbing but that’s just me

He sounds like a total psychopath and the mask has finally slipped. Stop worrying about whether he’s ill/needs help and starts worrying about how the fuck you extricate yourself from him safely. Who the fuck doesn’t stop when a child gets hit by a car because they’ve got somewhere to be?! He has no empathy. For the love of God don’t have kids with him or you’ll be posting on here during mat leave saying he’s being awful to you and you can’t leave because he’ll get 50/50.

Sorry we were out together and I did not look at the thread until now. I'll try to answer the questions

He sounds like a sociopath op why are you with someone with no empathy or regard for other human beings?!

If he actually saw the accident happen, then he was a witness and should really have stayed to speak to the police about it.

Whatever it is, I think you're noticing it now because he's showing you the real him. Most people don't find social interactions exhausting and he sounds generally odd. I would think very carefully about this relationship OP. I know love can be blind, but when you wake up 10 years down the line with 2 kids and a mentally unwell partner, your eyes are very definitely open.

I found this a bit difficult to answer. He is caring and considerate. Sometimes he can be selfish but overall he is is a really partner and much better than some other guys I have gone out with.

Probably not great with natural empathy. He has mentioned at times that he couldn't understand why something was upsetting for me but he never makes me feel like I'm unreasonable. Hug and focus on how to fix, rather than anything else which can be irritating but which is coming from a good place.

A year and a half.
He does not get on with his family but he has some good friends who became some sort of a replacement, although my parents really like him.

I don't know about thoughtlessness but I'd say that he doesn't react but acknowledges it. I don't think we ever talked about remorse.

That's a horrible thing to say and not what I had asked for

I can't see how this is neurodivergence? I would cry my eyes out seeing a child being hit. And I would definitely stop. Lots of ND people have empathy.

I don’t think he sounds like a sociopath at all! I he does sound like he’s struggling though! If his behaviour has suddenly changed then there is a reason for it! I don’t enjoy social situations that much, i wouldn’t have stopped at the accident if there were plenty of other people who have witnessed and stopped ( as ex emergency services i know from experience that half the people who do stop at such things are purely nosey or drama queens that just get in the way), i also don’t have much patience with people who are dramatic over minor life problems although i probably wouldn’t have said it so blatantly. I am however a nice, decent, honest person and definitely not a sociopath.

I believe its depression. Your support can help him but honestly he needs reflection and meditation to overcome his silent pains.

Well that’s reassuring. And let’s face it, it’s fairly common for men in general to focus on how to fix problems rather than just empathise, so I don’t think that (or most of what you’ve said here) is necessarily an obvious sign of neurodivergence.

Autistic people are often caring and want to do the right thing by others but might not understand other people’s emotional reactions to things.

Whatever the case, I think just keep doing what you’re doing and watching out for any signs of depression - isolating himself, not finding joy in the things he usually finds joy in, etc. The detachment alone could just be a personality thing