Separation and finances

[Opheliarising]

DhH and I are very likely to separate soon. It is me pushing this-- I'm not set on divorce, but this is dependent on whether he decides to deal with his issues (basically alcohol, mental health and communication.) It's obviously not just one sided but our relationship has been going downhill over the last get years and has seriously deteriorated over the past 6-8months. I've ended up in a parent/controlling role and I can't do this.

I earn about £40k and he doesn't have a permanent job (since last Xmas) so he is income is minimal and unreliable. He may get a permanent job but seems very uncertain about this.

I woukd stay in the house with our teenagers and he would move out.- he could have somewhere completely free to stay with a family member. At the moment our finances are completely joint. I thought that I coukd open my own account and transfer the mortgage and other bills to that new account. I think I can just about cover them with my salary- I should have a decent pay rise in about a year as well.

The joint account can then be his account which we could change to his name only. We also do all our spending on joint credit cards and pay this off at the end of the month. I want to cancel all these and just use a credit or debit from my own future account. It would be up to him obviously what he wanted to do about payment cards.

I'm not sure if he would be in a position to pay any maintenance or make any contribution to the household, his costs in this scenario would be food, travel and maybe a token rent to the gamily member he would be living with. I don't actually care if I can manage by myself without getting into debt. Our teens are 13 and nearly 17 (we also have 2 adult DC, one living at home, the other away on a gap year.)

Does this seem realistic/possible? DH has managed all the finances since we married as he likes that kind of thing, but I lived by myself before so I'm sure I'm capable.

Has he agreed to this? What will he live on?

He hasn't agreed to this yet. I'm just getting things straight in my head first. He can live on his wages which vary between 10-30 hours a week at min wage. Do you think this sounds unfair?

He is not properly housed by ‘living with a family member’ so no it’s not a fair or realistic outcome

what equity is there as he’s due a portion of that. And you’ll need to pass mortgage affordability- you can’t just take his name off - you’ll need to buy out his share

pensions?

This is just what I'm considering for separation-I'm aware that if we divorce we will need to split our marital assets fairly. I'm actually hoping it would be a temporary separation but it could well last a few months even if he decides to try and work on things.

I wouldn't be taking his name of the mortgage just separating our day to day finances whilst we live apart.

You need legal advice. He isn’t employed properly so his need is higher than yours. Can you afford to buy him out of the house equity?

What about pensions and savings?

He is surely unlikely to just pack up and leave his home?

I do want to be fair and I can see that I am in a stronger position in terms of my employment. This hopefully would only be a temporary separation. I'm not willing to move out and not live with my DC, he's an alcoholic.

What should I be doing instead then?

But what if he’s not willing to move out? He has as much right to stay as you do.

I think he would move out- not happily but I think he would accept that he is not capable of looking after the DC by himself.

Yes this sounds financially unfair- assuming you both own the house you cannot force him out without a court order - that would probably lead to divorce- and he would possibly get more than 50% as you are the higher earner and have more capacity to get mortgage for yourself

It sounds completely fair to me, until you divorce.

He's chosen his lifestyle, perhaps this will encourage him to sort himself out.

In the meantime you are taking on the whole mortgage (partially his liability), covering the whole cost of the dcs (partially his liability) and taking on all the responsibility of child rearing, while working full time.

While he can live with a family member, work part time, have no responsibility at all and have £250 a week spending money. What more can he ask?

Obviousy if you divorce or if the family member is unable to house him, things would have to change.

Only he can agree to this . You cannot make these changes without consent

You need to discuss this with him. If he refuses to move out, even temporarily, you can’t force him (unless you go down the safeguarding route with SS if he is a danger to your DC).
What you are proposing sounds practically possible, but entirely depends on his willingness, and that of the person you are saying would house him (for free), to take on that situation. How would he see/spend time with his DC? What would the maximum timeline be before he could move back in or the house be sold? Living with someone, even rent-free isn’t a longer term option for him as doesn’t offer a stable home (which he has now).
As for taking his name off the mortgage, you couldn’t do that without his consent.
it sounds like a difficult situation, I hope you both find a way forward.

Thanks for understanding my point of view. This is my thinking exactly. I probably sound very cold and hard hearted in my initial post as I was just focusing on finances but I am actually devastated this is happening. I don't want to split, I don't want to end a 25 year relationship. I'm so worried about the emotional impact this will have on the DC. I just can't go on like this though.

I'm not planning to take his name off the mortgage or not split things fairly if we do end up divorcing. This would be a temporary plan. I hadn't thought of a timeline. Maybe 3-4 months.

I would hope by then that in the best case scenario he would have sought treatment and counselling, would be sober and agree to some relationship counselling with a view to us saving the marriage.

2nd best case would be he is better but we decide to move to divorce. In that case we would both need to seek legal advice. Worst case would be that he is not better and we need to divorce and then I guess I would be stuck supporting his lifestyle.

As a temporary separation I think it is fair, if he agrees. While you are separated, I would seek advice about what a divorce financial split would look like, so you can prepare yourself.

This is the only rational response so far
Don't think others have actually read your post

Some of the things you are talking about ( making him homeless ) almost sound controlling.
you might be better off going down the divorce route, but be prepared to get less than 50% of the assets