I’m 46 and have known this man since we were about 14 We reconnected last year after not really being in each other’s lives properly for 20 years. There was always some history/attraction there from school.
Over the last year we’ve had a very intermittent sexual relationship. For the first few months, I was unaware that he was in a relationship. Once I knew, I kept things emotionally at arm’s length and didn’t initiate contact. He initiated the contact/meet-ups. I knew the situation was messy and never expected him to leave anyone for me.
Despite it being casual, we’ve always talked a lot. When we see each other it’s not just sex — we can talk for hours about our families, marriages, kids, work, money, travel, school memories, his family , children past relationships etc. I’m naturally someone who asks lots of questions, so I know I encourage people to open up, but he also asks about my life and remembers things about me.
Things have become more frequent recently. We’ve seen each other a few times in a month or so , which is much more than previously. We unexpectedly ended up on the same holiday in Portugal with our respective kids and met there. We met up secretly and he’s told me later he was happy about that .
I stayed at his house overnight for the first time properly a month ago . We talked from around for a few hours that night , slept there, spent the morning together and he made me a brew in bed.
That night he told me something I hadn’t known: his three-year relationship had effectively ended around six weeks earlier, before Portugal, although it sounds like the final ending was only more recent.
His ex is still contacting him daily and they still have belongings to sort out.
He was very relaxed about me being in his house and even said his ex girlfriend had only slept at his house twice in two years. He’d also been happy for me to stay there alone in the morning if he went out and told me just to lock up when I left.
Since finding out he is single, I’ve realised the dynamic feels completely different to me. When he was taken there was an obvious ceiling and I didn’t have to wonder what any of this could become. Now I do.
He talks about being very independent and liking his own space, but he has also said things like it would be nice to wake up with someone in the morning. He talks a lot about future plans, travel, hobbies, events and things he wants to do.
However, I’m worried I’m simply a comfortable/convenient person for him while he gets over his ex, and that I’ll be around giving him companionship and sex while he eventually finds someone else. That would hurt me.
I’m not looking for someone to move in with me or become a stepdad to my children. At this stage of my life, if I were in a relationship I’d actually want something quite independent: monogamous, consistent, dates, sleepovers, trips away, making plans together, but keeping separate homes and finances while I raise my children.
I know he genuinely enjoys my company and is attracted to me, but I don’t yet know whether he sees me as anything beyond a very comfortable casual arrangement. I also know that even if he thinks I only want casual, he is perfectly capable of making a move if he wants something different.
I’m not looking for judgement on how it started — I know it was messy, and I was unaware of the relationship for the first few months. I’m asking about what the dynamic looks like now that he is single.
From the outside, does this sound like a situationship that could naturally develop now he’s single, or does it sound more like I’m a convenient familiar person he enjoys while he transitions out of his relationship? Would you wait and watch what he does next, or create some distance before getting more attached ( end it now ) ?
thanks for reading , please be kind :/