Realising how much we carry for our children during affairs

[JulietFree]

A photo memory popped up me laughing with my children and I just can’t stop crying. The date was bang in the middle of finding out about my ex’s second affair in as many years, after many months of gaslighting and EA. I look back on that time as pure misery but this picture reminded me that as mums, we do extraordinary things for our children. We show up for them and we try our hardest to protect them. I underestimated myself and my ability to cope - some encouragement for those who may find themselves in a similar position and to all those discussing affairs and whether they’re should tell etc - think for a moment about who is at home.

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope life is better now. Your husband was a low, low man.

I’ve been through the same and it’s incredible what you can shove down to keep a brave face on for your babies.

Well done for being such a strong woman and putting your children first in what’s a devastating time

So difficult, your children are very lucky to have you.

I'm a year on from disclosure and just came across a really lovely email I wrote his mum, with little anecdotes of family life complete with photos of me, him and DC on our summer holidays, just weeks after he told me about how he'd met and fallen for someone else. I was in so much pain, desperate for the DC not to cotton on. I was hardly eating or sleeping, and simultaneously weirdly also trying to get my head around and fight off his renewed and very enthusiastic romantic advances toward me while still wooing the other woman. My head was in such a mess, yet what sustained me was my determination to put a brave face on for the DC and give them a 'normal' summer and fill it with love, fun and one last run of innocence before it all went to shit. Oscar-winning and fucking Herculean, when I look back. But the DC didn't deserve what he brought to their table, and neither did his lovely mum, hence the holiday email.

I look back at my childhood and wonder how the hell my mum did it. She had a brain tumour and my dad left her with two young children (9 and 11) for her best friend. They'd been having an affair for years. She still did her absolute best for us, even when she was dying, and was a much better person than I ever would be in the same situation. I wish I had realised it when she was still alive and had told her how fucking amazing she was.

I look back on feel the same. It's been nearly ten years and I still suffer from the deception and emotional abuse of cheating (the kids don't know).