How do I heal and rebuild confidence after my ex lied?

[Alonegirl]

I’m feeling really, really bad right now, and I honestly don’t know how to describe this sadness.
We started our relationship in October last year. Towards the end, I started feeling suspicious. I even have some of my old posts where I talked about how he would disappear for hours and I didn’t understand what was going on.
I had a miscarriage in July.
Every time I asked him what was wrong or whether he was cheating on me, he would say no. We live together, so I trusted him and believed what he was telling me.
The day before I found out I was pregnant, I saw a screenshot on his phone from a video call with a girl. When I asked him about it, he told me, “That’s my sister.” Later, he sent me a screenshot showing that the video call and the time were saved under his cousin’s name, trying to make me believe that was who he had been talking to.
But two days ago, I found out that it was actually the same girl he had been seeing since April, even though she lives in another city.
He keeps telling me, “Our relationship had already been over for a long time. I didn’t cheat on you.” But the truth is, we were still in a relationship.
I talked to the girl and showed her all the conversations and screenshots. Today, my ex came into my room yelling at me, saying that I had ruined his reputation.
I’m leaving the country now. I just need to get away for a while, breathe, and clear my head.
But right now, I’m blaming myself for everything. I’m picking apart my body, my face, everything about myself. I keep thinking, maybe she was just better than me.
I’m white, and she’s Black. I’m a little overweight, while she is very sexy. And I hate that my mind is comparing us like this.
He lied to me about so many things. Even two weeks ago, it was his birthday. I went out of my way to buy him a gift and gave it to him. He sent a picture of it to the girl and told her that his friends had bought it for him. The next day, he disappeared and came back with another gift, saying his girlfriend had bought it for him — but the girl had actually bought it herself.
I’m so tired of all these lies.
The worst part is that he always told me he never lies. He used to tell me that I had “trust issues,” when I was actually reacting to things that he was hiding from me.
Right now, I want to change myself.
I want to come back stronger. I want to feel beautiful again. I’m thinking about changing my hair, either straightening it or getting a permanent style. I’m going to try to exercise and take better care of myself.
Please, if you have any advice for me, I’d really appreciate it. I need advice on how to heal emotionally and get myself back mentally.
But I’d also love some advice on how I can improve my appearance and feel more beautiful and confident again — my hair, body, style, skincare, anything.
I know changing my appearance won’t fix what happened. I just want to look in the mirror again and feel like myself. I want to come back stronger, healthier, happier, and more confident than I was before.
Right now, I just need someone to remind me that what he did does not mean I wasn’t enough.

He or she

you jumble them up

either way…. Sounds an exhausting childish unhealthy mess for you both

Not quite rhe same reasons - but weight loss. I’m using jabs and it’s made such a difference to my confidence. Get a refresh on your hair and maybe get a facial and some advice on make up. You can feel great with a few tweaks!

When you look back, you'll likely see red flags you missed from him that he wasn't a good risk to your heart, so learn from your mistakes so you won't repeat them. Or perhaps you moved in too quickly with him before knowing him far longer, before not having the time to know the real him past the honeymoon stage.

Change your mindset and think of it as your guardian angels doing you a favor, making you see the messages that he meant to keep secret. That has given you the opportunity to free yourself from a toxic man.

Your goal right now is to get yourself free of this toxic orbit so you need to work on moving or having him move, not on makeup and hair.

Your self-love is lacking, so start listening to podcasts and self-help books on how to improve in that area. Otherwise, you will attract, and be attracted to, men who are not worthy of you. When you do that, your mindset will change to: A man has to treat me like the treasure I am, or I won't let him enter or remain in my life.

No amount of hair color or lipstick color will help you when you value other people's supposed views of you over your own and don't possess inner love.

Well, from the details you've given, he's a write-off. His behaviour was not dictated by, and has nothing to do, with who you are or how you looked. He's just a broken person doing what broken people do.

You need to understand and internalise that, before you do anything else.

It sounds like the only significant thing you did wrong was getting involved with him in the first place. Working out the whys of that, ideally with help, is all you should be concerning yourself with at the moment. Not how to restyle your hair enough to prevent it happening again.

Time, sorry, I know that might be hard to hear/read. But it genuinely just takes time for your brain to process things, you need to be kind to yourself and not put any pressure on yourself to heal quicker. It also might be worth if it’s within your budget getting some therapy, or if ifs not affordable, use an AI app and giving it prompts to be a therapist. Or something to the AI like “you’re my new best friend how do I manage to move on from this situation”. I know AI is frowned upon here but in some situations it’s great.

He sounds like the problem, not you so be happy with yourself. If you want to lose weight, do. If you dont really then dont. If you do then come up with a plan and goals and stick to them. Same with anything else you want to change.

Set a goal for other things like to go out 1/2 times a week, travel for a weekend break, start a new hobby, de clutter etc... Make your life what you want it to be and when someone else comes along go for it. Dont wallow for months and years!

OP start by reminding yourself that although it hurts just now he has definitely done you a favour by revealing his true nature. He was a total liar and faker and when the dust settles you can breathe a sigh of relief that he's out of your life.
For now don't rush the healing process, take your time, do something nice for yourself every day and remind yourself you are worth so much more than him.
I would advise some therapy to help you build your resilience and self esteem but please don't rush to change yourself, l'm sure you are lovely as you are. By all means treat yourself yourself to whatever makes you feel good though, look after yourself and one step at a time you will get there.

He didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you - he cheated because there's something wrong with him.

Are you still in contact with him? That needs to stop now. You can't move on until you cut him off completely.

Concentrate on doing things that make you feel good - eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep. Treat yourself to a new hairdo and skincare products/make up. Have a consultation at one of the beauty counters to update your look. Make plans with friends and have some adventures! Enjoy your new found freedom!