Divorce - who do I turn to?

[nofriendss]

DH and I have reached a point in our relationship where divorce seems inevitable. I find that I have a huge need to talk about it and process things, but despite having a good group of friends and reasonably supportive parents, I’m not actually that close to anyone. I just can’t figure out who to talk to about it. Several of my friends know that things have been tricky, but now that it’s serious, I wish I had someone I could confide in on a deeper level.

While I’m sure some will recommend a therapist, I’ve had a lot of therapy in my life already and have previously found it quite tricky to find the right person. The best one I found has retired. So not overly keen on wasting the little emotional and financial resources I have on finding the right fit.

My parents will always be there for me in a crisis, but are way too set in their world-view, have a very black-and-white outlook, and have never particularly liked my husband. I don’t think they’d be able to give the type of emotional support I need right now.

We moved around a lot when I was a child so I don’t have a core group of childhood friends, and although I have some wonderful people around me, I never really built up the type of super close friendships that would be an “obvious” place to go in this situation.

Although I didn’t get married until my early 30s, I was still one of the first to do so among my friends, so I’m (presumably) also going to be the first to get divorced. Between the people just getting engaged/married/pregnant/having children - and those who have sworn off relationships forever - I just don’t know who to turn to.

If you found yourself in a similar position, what did you do? I’m not a particularly private person, but this feels like the kind of thing I’d rather not just trauma dump on whoever I’m having a drink with in any given week.

The person I would actually most want to speak to is his sister - as I know she understands how selfish, cruel, and unreasonable he can be, and has told me as much herself. But it’s obviously extremely unfair to put her in that situation, and I’d never seriously consider it.

but what I’m trying to say is; I wish I could speak to someone who not only understands the divorce aspect but also what it’s like being with (and breaking up with) someone who was so tricky to live with in the first place. I know it’s not a unique experience. But how do I figure out who I can confide in, and who will get it?

Chatgpt

That’s not a bad idea. There just isn’t anyone who fits the bill for you at the moment. And although they won’t have answers for you the more chats you have with them about just about anything they more they will get you as a person. They can guide you in tiny steps forward that you can take for yourself at this time.

Perfect is the enemy of good enough. There's no silver bullet; pick someone and confide in them slowly rather than trauma-dumping. Or as PP suggested, just talk to ChatGPT.

I didn’t talk to anyone and when I finally did, I found that people didn’t really get it. We seemed like we rubbed on ok, so surely divorce was an overreaction. It did not help to be honest.

Chatgpt has never experienced human emotions. Sometimes a complete stranger is just as good. Try Samaritans OP they're a listening service and might be able to signpost you to organisations that might help.

Another vote for an AI conversation. I process things by talking out loud and find it really helpful. Endlessly happy to listen and reply.

its especially when it misunderstands me because it’s obviously reacting to how I explained or described something.

That helps me get things clear in my mind. Having an outlet to ‘worry’ about something g endlessly helps me, too. And coming back it it after a while and picking up just where. I left off. And starting a new thread about something g completely different and ending up talking about the split anyway.

Aftef a good long while you can ask for a summary of key learning points. It’s great.

I suppose I mean it really works for me. Hope you try it to see whether it might help you, too

Without sounding too weird, where are you based? I am finding myself in similar need. I would like to vent to someone impartial who does not know my DH... Maybe we can help each other? I actually don't have any close friends to talk to, and in my late 30s I have always found it tricky to make new friends 🙂

I find Chat CPT useful when I have things to offload and understand. The answers and guidance it gives are very detailed. I have had therapy in the past and to be honest I have found this better.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I get what you mean because in a sense it's compounding losses (husband AND person you emotionally process with) , I've found it's not friends but old former work colleagues who have actually proven best at being confidants over the years. I think something to do with a bit of distance, combined with the kinds of problems I approach them with that they've had first hand experience with.

You get an eye for those who are actually gossips, and those whose judgement you really respect - especially if they've gone through similar - it is really a judgement call and if you generally keep in touch with people. There is one particular line manager who I went through the trenches with on a professional sense and we've kept in touch since through break ups, miscarriage, parent death, illness, more illness, spouse death, more illness - we've never exchanged birthday cards and aren't "friends" but we are mutual emotional back up for eachother.

ChatGPT and the like can be great at just getting it out, and you can ask them to respond as a CBT therapist - this can be a bit irritating as I've never known a person in real life to say do a breathing exercise when a hug is actually what's needed.

You can also listen to podcasts and audiobooks about handling all the emotions and stress of a divorce, and then be proactive about building a satisfying new life.

If you do wind up speaking to someone about this mourning stage of the marriage's ending, keep that as a temporary occurrence, as the listener will likely be happy to be a supportive presence, but if there is no deadline to those kinds of talks, that won't be healthy for the friendship.

Make it a goal to get that purging out of your system, a necessary stage, but make sure you evolve to the healing and moving on stage. There were points of time after my first marriage ended where I'd start telling people horrible stories about my ex. But then I noticed this was just affecting my mood by bringing that rage back up all over again within me. It wasn't good for my well-being.

Take care.

I got a therapist just for 8 weeks 6 sessions as I needed to share deep and personal things.

i didn’t want to burden friends and family.

we managed to keep our marriage together and it helped me with seeing a different perspective and asking for what I needed.

As someone who has been the friend who listened and cared for and supported- i beg of you dont talk to friends!
There really is a finite level of listening and supporting people can do but for some- the more they offload to a synpathetic ear- the more it just keeps on coming and the listener cant get away. The impact on me was huge as It was basially daily drama and trauma dump and when I said it was too much i was accused of being unsupportive and dumped 😅😅
I also suggest CHAT GPT
samaritains or simmilar call type help line
Seeing a therapist and seeing how you go

Thank you everyone - I might give ChatGPT a try actually. Too tired after work to say anything else but I have read all the responses and appreciate them.