Why do I feel so trapped since getting married?

[ByGoldBeaker]

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we have one child, DS. We got married 3 months ago and honestly I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake.

Things haven’t been great between us for a long time. We’re stale, there’s no real connection anymore and we don’t really have anything in common. We never have sex. He also has quite a lot of mental health issues. I do understand and empathise with him and I’ve always tried to support him, but if I’m honest it’s exhausting and emotionally draining.

For years I’ve felt stuck because of DS. I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to have to share custody of my son. I also don’t particularly trust my husband to look after him properly, which makes the thought of leaving even harder. I know obviously I can’t just decide that I’d have DS all the time if we separated, but the thought of not being with him every day is unbearable.

Then there’s money. I couldn’t afford to live the same kind of life on my wage alone and I’ve got a nice life with DS. So I think I just got to a point where I thought, well, I’m stuck with him, so I may as well stay and get on with it.

Then we booked the wedding.

I’ve always loved the idea of being a bride and I think I got really caught up in that side of things. I remember thinking that if I’m going to be with him anyway then I might as well have the big wedding and enjoy that part of it.

But even before the wedding I had HUGE doubts. I had a massive wobble and almost cancelled it. He convinced me to go ahead and I did.

And now, 3 months later, I feel completely different.

It’s like actually getting married has made me feel so much more trapped. I feel like I’m suffocating and I genuinely keep thinking WHY did I walk down that aisle?!

I knew things weren’t good. I knew we didn’t have much of a relationship anymore. I knew I had doubts. And I still did it. I feel like such an idiot.

Before we got married I was unhappy with him, but I could kind of just plod along. I was actually quite happy and content with my life and with DS. Now I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’ve somehow made myself even more trapped by getting married.

I know it’s only been 3 months and technically nothing has really changed, but something has definitely changed in how I feel about it all.

Has anyone else experienced this? Getting married when you already had doubts and then feeling like it’s suddenly made everything feel so much worse?

I don’t even really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just need to hear from people who have been in a similar situation because I feel like I’ve completely fucked up my life.

Well in view of you saying you like your standard of living, you don’t want to share child… & IF he brings home the larger % of income. You were in a disadvantaged position.
What it has cemented is that you are still not happy & that its not so unofficial

Just to clarify, I actually earn slightly more than him, although only by a few thousand a year, so I’m not financially dependent on him. We’re not loaded by any means, but we are comfortable. If we separated, our household income would effectively be cut in half, so we’d both have to make significant changes and would probably struggle financially.

I only mentioned money because it’s one of the practical reasons I’ve felt so stuck, not because I’m choosing to stay with him for his income or lifestyle. I’d rather make that clear because I can already see how that part of my post could be interpreted differently to how I meant it.

I can understand how you feel but I would try and focus on the fact that actually, a child is much more tying than marriage. Divorces are not hard to come by, they happen all the time. So, although you would have to go through a bit more legal rigmarole if you split, the reality is your situation hasn't otherwise changed.

I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship like this anyway, but if I was in your shoes and I wanted to continue on then perhaps reframing it as simply a piece of paper that can fairly easily be undone might help?

How old is your son?.

You may not he able to divorce him until you have been married for 12 months.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your child? . Staying for his supposed sake is a bad idea and is not in his or your own interest.

My son is 2, he isn’t very close to his Dad he just wants me, so that’s one of the main reasons for staying as I don’t feel he’s old enough to understand being away from me especially overnight as we would obviously need to share custody. I’m the one who does everything for him.

That is not a basis or reason for staying with such a msn. You yourself cannot abide him and using your son as a reason to stay with your now h is wrong. Given how little he does with his child now that is unlikely to change.

Yes I agree and am scared the alternative is worse. If he doesn’t bother with him much now how would it be if he had him on his own potentially 50% of time 😞

I’m not making excuses to stay I feel trapped by the situation I’m in, as until my son is older and can fend for himself a bit more, I feel like I need to be around at all times to make sure he is properly supervised.

Why would he want him on his own?. Fifty percent is but a starting point and do you really think that he would went to be around d his child half the week?. Some men bang on about wanting 50 50 as a means of avoiding paying child maintenance.

Hoe is the alternative worse for you or your child?. It’s clear that your nor h and you are not right for each other.

@ByGoldBeaker as other PPs have said, a shared child is much more binding than marriage though actually if you have not had sex since the wedding, you could potentially apply for it to be annulled: https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage. You would need to give some thought to whether you are better or worse off legally if you end the marriage.

However, given how young your child is, I understand your reluctance to risk him being in the sole care of his father if his father does very little with your child and, in particular, may not be sufficiently tuned into keeping him safe. You may just need to wait it out for some more years until your child is older and a bit more self-sufficient (say, 5, 6 or 7). Obviously, children of that age still need a lot of care and attention but they are more independent and able than a toddler, as well as much better able to speak for themselves and communicate generally. Alternatively, perhaps there is a world where your child is with you the vast majority of the time and just with his father for the odd day here or there but I don't think you can count on that outcome.

You may feel trapped at the thought of 3-5 more years in this marriage but those years will go by and hopefully you will feel more able to leave your son in his father's sole care when he is that bit older.

How much older does your son have to be then?. In the meantime both you and he will be further worn down by your now husband and it will feel even harder to leave.

And you are not trapped, you merely think you are. You can still make choices.

I’m not making excuses to stay I feel trapped by the situation I’m in

If you have bona fide reasons not to trust your husband to look after your child, present them to the courts and you will be awarded full custody.

If you don't, then it does rather seem like you're making excuses to stay.

You kind of are a bit trapped as many women are after having children with men who turn out to be disappointing. The marriage itself doesn't mean anything really. You can take the fast or the slow way out. The fast way out is divorce. The slow way out is you quiet quit the marriage, stop spending your energy on this guy you aren't even having sex with, try to be polite and light with him to start building the co-parenting dynamic, focus on building your own finances, community and your own self esteem. Then, when you are ready, you leave. But don't let him erode you.

Only the two of you can change things up and bring joy to the relationship.
Good long term relationships go through ruts at times.

Concentrate on listening to each other more and prioritising doing something enjoyable every day together and alone.