DH and his birthday - controlling behaviour?

[TiredWife]

DH (64) (and his family) have always made more of a 'fuss' about birthdays than I have been used to, and I dread them every year as they feel like some kind of 'test' to see if we live up to his expectations. He never seems happy on his birthday.
Sort of things that have happened over the years

• won't tell us what he wants, but expects us to 'know'
• asks me 'where did you buy this' about presents
• asks me 'did you have to remind the (adult) kids? Did they send this, or did you buy it?'

This year I put a get together in the family diary for the week before his birthday as he had planned to have a hobby trip away with some (male) friends. It now seems that trip isn't happening and he's just announced that 'he and I can go away to <European City> for a few days instead'. This is completely out of the blue, and I have various things planned with friends for during the time I thought he'd be away.
Now he's in a grump because I said it was short notice and I have things booked ('nothing important' according to him) and I'm pissed off that he thinks I should just jump because his friends have cancelled.

This isn't acceptable, is it?

Nope, tell him to grow the fuck up

Nope, it wouldn't be acceptable for me.

Why are you pandering to it. What's he like for yours?

I think I'd be saying, 'well you're always so ungrateful anyway so what's the point ' but I can't tolerate stuff like that at all.

Tell him to treat himself and get himself away for a trip and you'll see him when he gets back. Fuck that shit.

I wouldn’t say it’s controlling, more self centred with high sense of value and importance!

"I don't live my life as a back up to your social calendar."

Sod his demanding self. He's being childish.

Being of the same age, my DH and I decided years ago we no longer needed to buy each other b-day presents since we need to declutter at our ages, not add stuff. So we just take each other out for a special meal. Greeting cards are so expensive now, so we forego those. I'd suggest that plan to him to take that stress off the table. When he grumbles, tell him it's not worth hearing him ask where you bought it in an insulting way, etc.

If you continue the practice of gift giving, answer in a dramatic way, wearing a headscarf around your head and said you tried being a psychic to foresee what he wanted, and ask if he was impressed with your skills.

And about the rest, tell him you won't be rude and cancel with friends just to avoid him being a grump. He's an adult and needs to lighten up about celebrating his b-day on a different day when he was the one who initiated the reason for the change.

Your life isn’t his plan B. It’s not controlling, it’s just deluded thinking.

OP, your husband is ungracious, ill mannered and curmudgeonly,
but you know this.

However, don’t cut your nose off to spite your face when there
is an opportunity to be away in a European city for a few days,
just because you are miffed (annoyed) with him!

Go and enjoy yourself, let him treat you, take pics, spend money,
have fun, eat well, make the most of it, your friends will wait for you.

Go and enjoy yourself, let him treat you, take pics, spend money,
have fun, eat well, make the most of it, your friends will wait for you.

Except it won't be like this - he will want to trudge around things I'm not interested in, spending ages taking photos while I hang about, bored!

Besides, I don't want to let my friends down - we have things booked, tickets paid for etc, get togethers arranged etc.

DH and I are retired. We can go away at any point, but it would be nice to be consulted and involved in the decision making!

The OP already has other things booked for that time, and doesn't want to let her friends down by cancelling.

What’s he like the rest of the year? Surely this entitled behaviour isn’t just round his birthday… 🤔

What does he plan for your birthday? Where does he shop and what surprises do you get?

He sounds insufferable - effort isn’t determined by where stuff came from or some memory test if you can remember one thing he mentioned wanting 4 months ago 🙄 he’s 64 not 4 for god’s sake!

I'd just completely ignore him being grumpy. If he mentions it again I'd look annoyed and say, 'Yes - that now apparently works for you, because your plans have fallen through. But it doesn't work for me. I have commitments with friends and I'm not dropping everything to be some kind of back up plan for you. You aren't 6, stop being babyish! You and I can go away at some point if you'd like to arrange it for later in the year'.

And then I'd be done. Any other comment about 'birthday' and I'd keep repeating, 'You're not 6. We made plans with the family for the week before, beecause you were going away, so I haven't organised 'jelly and icecream' for the actual day'.

If he's going to behave like a spoilt child I'd treat him like one.

Controlling which implies abusive - no not even remotely in anyway. Self-centred and rather childish - completely.

Well then there is no case to answer

So his mates cancelled the boys trip, but you’re the one he’s annoyed with because you won’t do the same to your friends?