Anyone else staying in a marriage that feels lonely but workable?

[Unawarep]

Is anyone else in this situation? Feeling quite lonely at the moment.

I don't think I love my husband but I also don't feel like I am ready / can leave.

We have a nice life on the outside, a lovely home, good income, young children.

All in all we actually do get on ok most of the time. He does make me laugh, I do enjoy his company a lot of the time.

But other times I just sort of feel side lined, I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm just there to look after everyone and I'm not really a real person outside of that.

I have tried talking to him but one of his biggest flaws is that he doesn't easily see things from other people's POV. In his mind he works long hours and that's his contribution.

I feel like shaking him sometimes and screaming that your family wanting to spend time with you is not a bad thing. It shouldn't be "effort". He's tired a lot from working but I just don't understand the point in having a family if you don't really do things together.

At the same time, I don't feel I want to leave either. A lot of days I feel ok, I muddle on and I do feel genuinely happy a lot of the time (albeit mainly because of other things in my life than H).

He isn't abusive, he can often be generous, he compliments me a lot, he provides an outwardly good life for us (I do work too but his earning potential massively outweighs mine).

But I am coming to the slow realisation that I just don't think I love him anymore. I like him a lot of the time and he pisses me off in other ways.

My children are happy, they have a nice life and home. I don't want to blow their world up because I feel a bit lonely / taken for granted.

Does anyone else just stay in this situation? You're not in love and super happy but you're also not incredibly miserable either?

Yes. We nearly separated last year after some low key abusive behaviour from him over many years, but interspersed with him also being very funny, generous, amazing father, hard worker and very compatible interests wise. But he was taking me for granted and I had to really lay down the law. The near break up scared the shit out of him, and I am now being much more assertive and he is less aggressive/selfish/dismissive/demeaning of me. I have however still pretty much quiet quit the marriage. I see it as a parenting friendship that has evolved over the years and try to see the good points. I have friends who really want me to leave but I have my own timeline on that. I am investing in my own hobbies, wellbeing, friendships, career, travel and fun. But at times I am very very lonely and it hits me like a truck. Don't know what to do about that.

I left when I got to the point of thinking I couldn’t do another Christmas with him. No major drama's, had just grown apart. I didn’t want to disrupt exam years (well didn’t really want to throw the grenade full stop) but couldn’t face a further 7 years before the DC went to Uni feeling like that and just ‘existing’ in a relationship.

Life now is great and we do-parent really well, partly I think because we never got to a toxic stage.

I'm sorry you're here too.

Quiet quit feels exactly like me to be honest. I don't even think he's really aware of any of these feelings and it's not because I've never brought them up. We have these conversations (which often turn into arguments) and then we move on and he seems to think it's all forgotten because we are back to being "normal" the next day.

Whenever I see or hear about my friends families, their family holidays, photos of them actually doing things together etc .. that's when it hits me the most. Like you I do prioritise my own hobbies, travel with the kids and so on but I do feel like I often grieve a "normal" family life during these times too.

It feels hard to admit to myself because it makes me sound shallow but honestly if it weren't for the financial security and the nice house etc.. would I still be here? Probably not. It's shallow to admit that's what I stay for deep down but it's also something I don't want to take away from my children unnecessarily too.

That last paragraph sums it all up for me. Even though things are far from ideal, I really don’t want to be living in the type of home I can afford with 50% of the value of our home. And I don’t want the children squashed into that place.

if someone gave me a million pounds I’d buy him out and slam the door shut behind him.

Same. We feel like strangers. And yet the thought of starting again, on a single income, fills me with dread. He isn’t abusive. He’s just…absent. And it can be deeply lonely.

Another one here.

I could have written many of these posts.
It feels extremely lonely but I've asked myself about least regret and I don't want to see my dc only half the time.
I have a ND and so does he (I suspect). We muddle along together and I admit, I would struggle to cope on a practical level as I have no other support in real life.
Comfortable life and stability for dc.
If money were no object, I would employ a housekeeper who aligns with me and doubles as a companion.
I feel invisible a lot in general. Like a ghost. Or someone looking through a pane of glass into the world.
I have experienced a lot of loss and rejection in life.
Very difficult, I'm sorry others find themselves in this situation
I honestly think there would be enough ladies in each county to start a support meet up.

Agree. What a great idea! What should we call it: the lonely wives club haha! Seriously though it's a pretty solid idea...

Looking back at this type of relationship from 30 years on... I had a marriage like this, not abusive but not very happy either and I eventually left after 27 years. I was constantly thinking: I don't want to disrupt GCSEs, A levels etc etc and finally left after our youngest ds finished his masters!!

The thing is, you think you can manage and that it's better than breaking the marriage up, but I'm honestly not sure that it is. Things are almost certainly not going to improve if your partner has no interest in changing things, and it gradually wears you down and erodes your confidence and happiness.

Neither of my dcs is very good at relationships and I sometimes wonder if this is because they've never had an example of a good, balanced, happy and loving relationship. It would have been very disruptive if we'd split when they were younger, but I sometimes think an open and honest split would have been better for everyone in the long run.

My advice wouldn't necessarily be to split now if you are not sure, but really think ahead and make sure that you are working towards a strong position financially and in terms of friendships and support.

Almost certainly (imo) the resentment and lack of happiness and respect between you will grow - make sure you don't end up staying because you don't have the financial or emotional resources to move on.

Yes, like you I tried to address it many times over the years and nothing changed. Eventually the lack of support and resentment started to turn to hatred which I recognised could not continue. In my case I ended up having an exit affair as the loneliness made me extremely susceptible as much as I never thought I would be capable of such a thing. It was the wake up call I needed, confessed and left. Not that I advocate that but it was the for the best in the end. I would certainly advise taking the leap before it gets that bad. It’s not as hard as you think.