Hi all. I'm wondering: what is bad enough to leave, and what is good enough to stay?
I'm married and a lot of trauma and conflict happened during the first year of our marriage. I moved to Canada and we got married pretty quickly. Things have stabilised a lot this year and there is much less drama, but I'm left wondering whether the relationship and the life I've built around it are actually enough for me.
I sacrificed a hell of a lot to be with my partner. I moved countries and left behind friends I'd had for years, my family and my not-very-well parents. Around the time I moved, my dad and brother actually moved about five minutes down the road from where I'd been living, which makes me think even more about the life I could have had if I'd stayed.
I keep comparing the full life I had in England with my life here. Back home my life was busy with plans, friends, family, coffees, garden centres with the dogs, little days out and just having people around me. Here, his family are toxic and have caused a huge amount of stress, his friends are very much his friends, and I've never managed to build anything resembling the support network I had at home.
The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I'm constantly waiting for my life to start. The days roll into each other and suddenly it's Friday again. Everything feels expensive, we don't have much money left to do things at weekends, and I feel like I've lost control over my own life.
My husband and I are also very different. I love pubs, walks, beach walks, dinners, barbecues and generally getting out and doing things. He likes things like dirt bikes and isn't interested in much of what I enjoy. Asking him to come for a walk can be met with an eye roll, so I've mostly stopped asking.
I walk the dogs alone, food shop alone and make little plans alone. I know those things sound mundane, but I think what I'm actually missing is living life with someone.
Back home, one of my friends and I would sometimes meet at Tesco and do our Friday night shop together. We were literally just buying groceries, but there was companionship woven into ordinary life. Here I somehow feel like I'm doing ordinary life alone despite being married.
I don't expect my husband to suddenly enjoy everything I enjoy. But I do wonder whether it's unreasonable to want a partner who actually enjoys sharing everyday life with you.
There's also a big difference in our energy and outlook. He's very low-energy and can be miserable and negative. We recently went on holiday and he complained for much of it. We also rarely laugh together. When I think about my old life, I remember laughing all the time with friends and family. I felt lighter and more like myself. Here I feel much more serious and flat.
I also sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells around his moods. Sometimes he comes home happy and everything is fine; other times he's miserable and the atmosphere changes. Mornings can be the same. There have been times I've actually waited for him to leave for work because I don't want to be around him, and once he's gone I feel like I can relax.
To be fair, this has got better. Things are much calmer than they used to be, which is exactly why I'm questioning myself. Am I judging the marriage by its difficult beginning when I should be giving the calmer version more time?
But I worry about having children. I really want children, and I don't want them growing up gauging Dad's mood when he comes through the door or feeling like the atmosphere of the house depends on what mood he's in.
None of this necessarily makes him a terrible person. Being low-energy, negative, not enjoying walks or not making your wife laugh isn't some huge dramatic reason to end a marriage. But when I put all these little things together, I wonder whether they're actually little things. Maybe compatibility isn't just loving somebody or no longer having terrible arguments. Maybe it's whether you actually enjoy living life together.
Lately I keep seeing Instagram reels of the Cotswolds, frosty mornings, muddy walks, cosy pubs and roast dinners. They're such ordinary things, but I've realised how much joy those little things brought me.
I even miss the whole build-up to Christmas. Canada feels very different — Christmas seems to happen and then it's basically over. I miss the dark evenings, lights, markets, pubs, Christmas food, family and cold walks. I've realised that those things genuinely matter to me. It's the kind of life I prefer.
I do question whether I'm romanticising England because I'm unhappy here. But I lived there for 32 years. I know England isn't an Instagram reel. I know there are rainy Tuesdays, bills, work and people being busy. I'm not imagining a place I've only experienced on holiday — I'm remembering my actual life, and I still prefer so much about it.
The hardest part is that my marriage is calmer now. So is being unfulfilled enough to leave?
I struggle terribly with feeling selfish because marriage is a commitment. Part of me thinks I should keep pushing and try harder to build a life here. Another part thinks: what if I simply prefer the full life I had back home?
I don't think my husband would move to the UK, either, so ultimately I may have to choose between my marriage and going home.
Is it fair to leave a marriage because you're unfulfilled and prefer the life you had before? Because you miss your family, friends, familiarity, companionship and the person you were in that life?
I suppose I'm trying to work out the difference between giving up on something that could become good and accepting that, even if a relationship isn't currently terrible, the life that comes with it just isn't enough for you.
Has anyone been in a similar position? What made you stay or finally decide to go?