Am I unreasonable to be upset by my husband's behaviour when drunk?

[MsLolo]

I don’t know what to do.

Ive been with my husband for 19 years. He is a great man, hard working, laid back, generous however for give me emotional support.

The issue is his behaviour when drunk - he doesn’t drink regularly only when he goes out which can be weeks in between each night out. When he does drink he drinks excessively he get drunks very quickly, say inappropriate things to people, just generally annoying and embarrassing. He will continue drinking for hours and almost always doesn’t come in until 4-7am and then stays in bed most of the following day. The way he treats me is the issue - he becomes moody, defensive, often leaves me alone and lots of time lets me go home alone whilst he carry’s on drinking. Once I caught him getting very close to another woman, I was stood feet away and he didn’t see me, I let it continue to see how far it went but a friend pulled him away.

The day after he doesn’t remember a lot of what happened.

last night were drinking in another town he stormed off leaving me alone, with no money, key for the hotel, and my phone was on 3% battery. He wouldn’t answer his phone I was genuinely scared I was going to have to sleep on the street. I eventually found him he still continued to walk away from me, he gave me the key and his phone to book a taxi and when the taxi came he would get in it. He wouldn’t take his phone but I gave it him so he wasn’t without one. I didn’t know what he was going to do and I had no way of contacting him he eventually turned up 2 hours later. Then next morning he didn’t apologise blamed me and hasn’t really spoke to me.

i have told him repeatedly I don’t like his behaviour but it continues to happen.

am I being unreasonable?

You know you are not being unreasonable and this won’t get any better.

Sounds like my ex husband. I kicked him out when things didn't change

How is that a good man when he blames you for his drunken disgusting behaviour? Either he stops drinking or you divorce him.

As above, you need to decide if it’s too much to continue the relationship because he won’t change.

If you want to stay with him can you just avoid any events with him that involve alcohol? Not idea but at least you protect yourself from it.

A person is an alcoholic if their drinking causes problems for themselves or others. Your dh is an alcoholic. He either sees this and has treatment or you have to leave or throw him out as this behaviour is not on and could even get worse as time goes on.
A woman l know put all his stuff in a black sack outside the door and wouldn't let him in when he got home drunk..again. He went into treatment the next day. Lovely man but a horrible drunk.
Alanon could be helpful for you.

When he stays out until 7 a.m where is he OP. Because if he tries to get off with women even whilst you are with him presumably this is normal behaviour when he drinks.

His behaviour towards you is appalling. Do you really want to stay married to an abusive drunkard ?

Ok he's an unpleasant drunk, you know this, So how did you end up with no money no key to the hotel and 3% on your phone, You should know by now to look after yourself. Dump him or live with it,.

Unacceptable in every way. Showing no care for the wellbeing of your partner and leaving them at night with no key and a 3% battery is just abusive, if you ask me.

Taking no responsibility and not apologising just shows he’ll never change.

What has he said when you have sat him down a few days later and spoken to him about all this?

My DH was a bit like this when we first met, even now he can be a very different person when he drinks but not all the time. There are a couple of “friends” I don’t like him being around when he’s had a drink. I have told him I don’t want him drinking around them and he hasnt since I asked him.

I’ve known a couple of women like this too, one I worked with, in the end her fiancé refused to marry her if she continued drinking, she stopped, she was also banned from work drinks at one point. The other was similar her fiancé made it clear she was a horrible person when drunk and if they wanted a future together she needed to do something. She dose still drink but has a limit in place.

YABU for putting up with his obnoxious behaviour, 19 years! Surely he hasn't been doing that for that length of time, He'd be out in the street with a bin bag full of his worldly goods next to him pronto

Your husband is a problem drinker and he doesn't want to change. It would be a deal breaker for me. You say he's a lovely man, yet he treats you like this - he is choosing to drink and behave like an arsehole and blame you afterwards. He's quite happy to abandon you anywhere when he's been drinking. He really doesn't sound very lovely to me!

It's up to you whether you choose to stay with him - if you do, you are giving him permission to continue with this behaviour.

You should record him on a night like that and show it to him afterwards... If he is as nice as you said, he would be appealed by his behaviour and change. Especially how his irresponsible behaviour put you in danger that night.

Saying that ... I am sure he knows how he is acting already... You or others must tell him that during that 19 years period rather than brushing it under the carpet.. He should have done something about it by this point, isn't it?

Can you imagine a reasonable person who would NOT be upset if their spouse behaved like this? If you really, really want to tolerate this, I guess the solution would be to never go out with him when there's a chance that he'll drink, and for him to check into a hotel or stay with a friend after drinking until he is sober enough to be civil at home. The fact that he blames you for his poor behaviour once he's sober will still be an issue, but maybe if you don't see the behaviour it won't come up as much. By the way, someone drinking rarely but being unable to stop once they have started is a pretty common form of problem drinking; whether or not it's alcoholism it often gets masked by the fact that it's relatively infrequent and the person can go for ages without drinking at all. If your husband actually CAN go for ages without drinking at all, why doesn't he (just extend that to forever)?

I think you’d be happier if you ended the relationship. You’ve told him loads of times you don’t like it, and he’s ignored that (because he doesn’t care that you don’t like it). If it is making you miserable, it’s been going on a while and there’s no sign of significant change…. Then re-route yourself for the future. Take your life in a different direction, I bet you anything you wouldn’t regret it.

He is a great man???? Clearly not!! How many of you have set your bars so low. I’ll put up with it because he’s a great man. I’ll let him manipulate and blame me because he’s a great man and on it goes