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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my teenage sisters relationship abusive? How can I help?

9 replies

Sage90 · 01/09/2026 21:57

My sister is 17 and is in an abusive relationship with another 17 year old. She split with him yesterday but is now considering a break. There's a lot that has been said/happened so trying to cover the main points! He bombards her with calls or messages if she doesn't get back to him, even when knowing she is with her family/out doing something with us - therefore knowing she's safe. He seems to ruin any big events for her, any parties theyve been to he's kicked off about things and either forced them both to leave or has left her there. He threatens suicide regularly - once was when we went to a festival and she called his mum. His mum showed no concern and said he's outside the house and he's fine. Id say this shows she knows what he's like. He said on the phone, if he kills himself everyone knows 'whose fault it is'. He accused her of cheating because she 'no longer begs' if he threatens to leave her (which he does regularly). He's threatened twice to have someone 'jump' her, and has recently said to my sister that he will have someone jump my stepdaughter. He gets enraged over small things. She once didn't answer him for 20 minutes and he called her 34 times, sent reems of messages saying he was losing his mind and wanted to hurt himself, and got two of his friends to message her (one of them was nasty) and messaged our other sister to ask where she was. Since she's told him they've split up, he's obviously showing remorse and accountability and is pouring his heart out. This is her first relationship. I had an abusive 10 year relationship just like this. With a textbook narcissist and it's like watching my own relationship, so I do need to be aware that I might be biased and looking for red flags but...surely I'm not mistaking this, and he definitely is abusive? They're young, I get it, but she's 6 months in to this relationship and I'd love for her to walk away. I've given my opinion etc but have said I aren't judging her, I'm judging him. But I am concerned for her safety - if something physical doesn't happen, her emotional wellbeing will be shot (we've all agreed that she's not seemed herself for months and she's admitted it). Just looking for some advice really, or opinions on what I think/how I'm seeing this. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
NolanChanceJustLikeTheWeatherNSoul · 02/09/2026 06:18

Little ratbag needs put in his place
He's not going to kill himself however he is an abusive little shit perhaps the police should have a word or a male relative but be careful with that one obviously don't want to get in bother because of the little fucker.

Sage90 · 02/09/2026 11:10

NolanChanceJustLikeTheWeatherNSoul · 02/09/2026 06:18

Little ratbag needs put in his place
He's not going to kill himself however he is an abusive little shit perhaps the police should have a word or a male relative but be careful with that one obviously don't want to get in bother because of the little fucker.

Thanks! Glad it's not just me then 😂. Yeah I know he's not going to harm himself, my ex did this all the time. It's just the highest point of escalation to get what he wants. She's actually already desensitized to him saying it which is a concern in itself/proof that he does this SO often. He has no male relatives in his family (if you mean his) and I'm unsure if the police would speak to him with him being under 18? But I'm fully happy to try that if it's an option. Our dad would not handle this well, he would go off the rails..so might need to be me. Thought about speaking to his mum too but he's so manipulative that I'm sure he would twist it. I just wish she would end it and keep it that way, but doesnt look like that's happening.. so I need to make sure she's safe!

OP posts:
NolanChanceJustLikeTheWeatherNSoul · 02/09/2026 11:29

No I meant yours probably best not too
Horrible git would twist it to his own ends.

NolanChanceJustLikeTheWeatherNSoul · 02/09/2026 11:30

The police would definitely speak to him
He's an abuser.

RumPidgeon · 02/09/2026 11:33

Your poor sister - she is lucky to have you watching out for her.

Id be tempted to report to the police via 101. He’s harassing your sister, abusing and tormenting her. He needs to be told that he has to stop. It’s also good to get this on record. He’s an absolutely vile human being.

Are they at the same school/college together? Maybe have a word with them as well?

Bananalanacake · 02/09/2026 12:45

Just hope she dumps him and they don't end up living together.

Sage90 · 02/09/2026 21:06

RumPidgeon · 02/09/2026 11:33

Your poor sister - she is lucky to have you watching out for her.

Id be tempted to report to the police via 101. He’s harassing your sister, abusing and tormenting her. He needs to be told that he has to stop. It’s also good to get this on record. He’s an absolutely vile human being.

Are they at the same school/college together? Maybe have a word with them as well?

No they don't! They've both started jobs this week. But yep, totally agree. I'm in a hard position now as she's told me today she's going to get back with him....

OP posts:
Sage90 · 02/09/2026 21:06

Bananalanacake · 02/09/2026 12:45

Just hope she dumps him and they don't end up living together.

I've said this to her!

OP posts:
NolanChanceJustLikeTheWeatherNSoul · 02/09/2026 21:41

I hope she sees the light soon and also on contraception .
It's often framed on here if this was happening to your best friend..what would you say to her.hopefully that sort of approach may help.

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