Sorry I think this will be a long one. I suspect that my adult DD might be in an abusive relationship and I worry about her and my DGC (8). I will try to give all the details and outline why I am concerned.
Both are living with a man who DD met about a year and a half ago. He is not DVC’s father who is not in the picture. They moved in together fairly quickly and DD has had several bad relationships in the past. None of this is great but DD has been telling me that she is happy and that he is great with DGC too. She has definitely become more distant since they moved in together and I see both of them less.
DGC was over last weekend as they wanted to have a child free weekend and I loved having her here. She mentioned a few things that made my alarm bells go off. She said that he tends to get very angry and swears a lot, but she didn’t want to tell me the swear words as she isn’t allowed to use them. Swearing aside she said several times that he gets very angry and shouts and sometimes destroys things when angry.
She also said that he gets angry at other people and that she finds it scary when he becomes like this but that he has never hurt her but that she has been screamed at sometimes but only when she had done something she “shouldn’t have”. I asked if he screams at her mum and she said that he did and that she sometimes cries.
She also said multiple times that she likes him and that she enjoys that they have a bigger place that is now tidy and clean. This is 100% true because DD has had mental health issues and her place has generally been very cluttered and messy. It seems to be the complete opposite now which is good. DGC also mentioned strict rules (aka if one thing gets bought something else needs to go).
One thing that is probably good but made me uneasy is that said that she likes him is because she is “his favourite” and that she gets a lot of attention when she does things well. This is something that I have asked DD about and she confirmed this and said that he doesn’t like children in general but likes her and is very protective of her. I know that DGC got bullied in school a while back and DD said that she got a lot more confident after he showed her how to defend herself, although I thought that it sounded more like teaching her how to hurt someone physically which is not something DD ever promoted.
I probably waffled a lot and could go on forever but I think I’ll leave it at this for now. I get a distinct feeling that there is a very controlling element to this relationship.
I tried to raise it with DD but she clearly wanted to change the topic and she has been quiet since.
I’m not sure how to broach this if she isn’t willing to discuss it, or if I am even being overbearing. I don’t think I am but I’m not sure and unsure how to even address this. I don’t want to either of them in a house where fear and intimidation happen.