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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

10 months on I feel back at square one after domestic abuse

1 reply

sodoffbeforemycupofcoff · 01/09/2026 14:09

I fled DA around 2 years ago, went back briefly after 2 months, left again for 8 months and then left finally and completely went no contact and discussed it all with an abuse support service 10 months ago. My kids and I have been thriving and everything is falling into place.
Today, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I miss him today like I did the day I left. Well, I think I miss him until my brain takes over my silly feelings and reminds me EXACTLY what he has done and who he is.
No trigger has set me off as we are no contact. Maybe I’m just feeling it hard doing it all alone. Although it is easier.
It goes without saying I would never attempt contact with him or his family because I know the harsh reality of that and it isn’t something I ever want to put my family through ever again. The thought of him or seeing him stops me in my tracks and makes me shake to my core, yet I can still have the feelings here of.. where did it all go wrong. Could I have done something different (I know I couldn’t have), it just makes no sense to me. 10 months of me and mine thriving, no contact, nothing and I feel this weird feeling. Will I always be like this.
I have withdrawn myself so much from friends, online dating and even social media because it scares me that I’ll ever come in to contact with someone who is like him again in my life.

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 01/09/2026 14:23

"The thought of him or seeing him stops me in my tracks and makes me shake to my core, yet I can still have the feelings here of.. where did it all go wrong. Could I have done something different (I know I couldn’t have), it just makes no sense to me. 10 months of me and mine thriving, no contact, nothing and I feel this weird feeling. Will I always be like this."

I know it's trite, but time is your friend here. What your brain is doing is processing the abuse: looking at the past, reframing it in the light of what you know now, reviewing what and why you felt at the time of the abuse.

All of this processing means that you are literally rewiring your neural networks. This is a physical process that takes energy and time.

It also means that during the processing period, you run down familiar neural networks occasionally, which link to certain emotions. So you get flares of memories and loss, and it leads to you missing the abuser while your brain is telling you, "Stop It! He was horribly abusive!".

I read somewhere that for every year of abuse, you need a year of recovery time before you are fully freed of it. That kind of tracks with my own experiences. However, you can probably speed that up with therapy.

So what you're going through is normal imo. Be proud of yourself that you got out, that you were strong, that you saved your child and yourself. Give yourself time and above all compassion.

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