How do I find the courage to end this relationship?

[GiveMeStrength40]

I’m 40 and I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. After years of trying and loss we finally had our miracle son (age 2) and thought our troubles would be behind us. That we would get some much needed stability.

Instead I am chronically fatigued (low iron and vitamin D not to mention wegovey but taking meds and hoping that improves), he spends his weekends eating takeaway, drinking (a lot), sitting up playing Xbox and watching UFC to like 5am and then sleeping til 1pm. When I challenge him it’s a big fight, then he says nasty things (I won’t lie I can fly off the handle as well). However rather than talk, I get the silent treatment for weeks. Then he starts to talk to me again. He seems to be in complete denial about his contribution to the house and life. In two years he has never taken our son anywhere (other than his mums on his own), not a park, not soft play, not even around the block on his bike. He says he will give me a morning off but then just doesn’t get up, he doesn’t do cooking but will with clean the kitchen after dinner or put out soon to bed - that is it … oh he cuts the front grass , eventually after a lot of nagging. He tells me I’m fat, that I’m lazy, that I make no effort with my appearance , that I can’t keep a house … bare on mine I also work full time and pay 70% of the bills.

im done with this endless cycle of abuse … he tells me ‘have you ever considered I don’t want to work on things’ and while it’s not the first time I’ve heard it, it’s the first time I’m seriously done. I just don’t know how to get all my affairs in order before I tell him to go. I need courage to follow through on something so life changing for me and my son xx

He sounds awful! He’s bringing nothing to the table, you’ll be far happier without him! I hope you can find the courage to leave. He’s no role model for your son, and your relationship isn’t a healthy one to model for your son either.

Well you should definitely separate, he sounds very unpleasant.

Are you married?
Do you rent or own?
Whose name is home in?
Have you looked at CMS calculator and www.entitledto.co.uk to get an idea of what your income might be on top of any earnings?

Do you want to stay where you are, or move? Do you have friends or family who could put you up for a bit?

I’d find the courage by really deeply considering how you want your little boy to grow up.

You and he deserve so much better, you are strong enough to and things and do this on your own.

How do you find the courage to leave?

Think about how you would feel if your son grows up to be "just like his Dad" in a few years time.

If you don't like that image (and you shouldn't) that should give you the motivation.

It may feel hard and even scary to start with - but going by your description you will be better off on your own.

It doesnt sound like youre married which is great news. So no protracted long divorce to deal with. What is your housing situation, do you rent or own a place together? That will likely determine how quickly you can extract yourself from this awful situation.

Hopefully his laziness and disengagement will mean he becomes a 2 weekend a month father, even that will be a stretch for him. Tell him its over and stay firm. Once he realises his meal ticket/cleaner/cook/dogsbody that he can abuse is leaving, he'll figure out how to turn on the charm. Dont fall for it, they are always worse after that abuse cycle.

The sooner you do it the better though, this is not a man you want role modelling for your son every day. He will see the abusive and misogynistic way you are being treated and think thats ok. And as once your son gets older, he is also at risk of being turned into a gaming companion for the lazy layabout. That is the outcome you really dont want.

You don’t wait for the courage. You do it and you build it as you go. You will find reserves you need just when you need them. Unkind people rely on your almost pathological reasonableness to not grow up and do the hard thinking that you are just too grown up not too do.

We aren’t married thankfully but we jointly own the house. I could afford to keep the house on my own but don’t have the money to buy him out - it’s a bit devastating to think about leaving my house as I love this place bit I know I want better for me and my son.

it’s just the thought of starting something you know is going to be so difficult and life changing.

Anyone been in a similar circumstance - what happens generally with visitation. My son is 2 but dad drinks a lot at the weekend and I’d want to know dad isn’t drinking if lookIng after him. We live in Scotland incase the laws are different.

Ok I am very cautious about these threads as there are many people here on MN who leap to say LTB and goad the OPs to blow up their lives (ask me how I know)...

However, since you asked, I would say you think long and hard about what you want your life to look like in 5, 10, 20 years and what type of childhood you want your son to have. Also know that whatever family dynamics and relationships your son witnesses will 100% affect his world view, how he sees himself and his own relationships throughout his life.

@Crispsjamtarts i know you are right, my parents dynamic was terrible and mum stayed for financial security and to keep the home together for her kids. It did shape us and skew our version of normal. Maybe it’s why I have a hard time putting my foot down and leaving.

Truth is that it takes two to work at a relationship and he isn’t showing any motivation to improve things.

im not jumping straight into this and I have started counselling, I want to leave in a better head space than I am now. X

Please don’t stay for your child, make a plan and stick to it.
Why doesn’t he pay 50% of bills ?

OP
Hugs.
A few things struck me from your post

1. You sound exhausted. We (humans) don't make good decisions or behave well when we are exhausted. I've been and made very bad decisions myself. Self care is vital. Get yout physical health in order a) good food - and give time for supplements to work b) prioritise regular sleep. c) mental health support including friendships, podcasts, meditation d) exercise even just a daily brisk walk.

1. You have to screen him out while you focus on yourself. Be as neutral as possible. Stay respectful. If you are raising your voice (even if your frustrations are valid) you are unfortunately disrupting the common "nervous system" of the dynamic. Work on your part and drop any expectations he will "work on it" (this is mentally freeing when you get the hang of it). Read this article to see if it strikes a chord

empathi.com/blog/how-to-know-when-to-leave-a-relationship/

1. Read a good relationship book. Something to help your understanding, even if just for you, if you have not witnessed good relationships. Google some good ones and find one that suits you.

1. Sit down and do your sums. What are your options. Financially and otherwise. Having it all "known and defined " will help you stay calm.

🥰

@GiveMeStrength40 he isn’t interested in changing anything as the situation works for him op. Please end this sooner rather than later . The younger your son is the less effected he will be.
I really wouldn’t worry about child access I doubt he will step up .
Id suggest a few hours on a Saturday afternoon . Maybe and hour on a Wednesday . Unless your stbx is able to do nursery collection?
Just say no to anything you are uncomfortable with as I doubt he will spend money or use any energy fighting you otherwise. The sooner you can detach mentally from your home the easier it will
be . I’d speak to him and say you need to to talk about him leaving ( he doesn’t have to ) and make plans as it’s over between you both. You may find he gives you loads of words trying to get you to change your mind , however it is just words as his easy life will
be about to change and not for the better .
Stop doing anything for him just do what you have to for you and your son .

My ex was like this and worse. I wasn't strong enough to argue back and spent 30 years being downtrodden and bullied. I couldn't face retirement with him so made the decision within myself that I had to get the courage to end it. Once I'd decided I made the announcement to a friend. Saying it out loud (and hearing her support) was what kept me going. The actual conversation with my husband was hard but again once I'd said it the strength came to me. You've asked here so you know what you need to do next. For the sake of your son and yourself

Just to add: I hope my comment about exhaustion didn’t sound as though I was questioning your decision. You have described years of evidence, and he has explicitly said he doesn’t want to work on things. I meant that looking after your health and staying as calm as possible may help you make and carry out your plan. Not that you need to improve yourself or give the relationship another chance before you’re entitled to leave.

Lots of good advice, especially from @PineConeOrDogPoo. Just to note: Scotland does have a different legal system to England & Wales and, on some matters (and i think family law is one of then), Scottish law is quite different to English & Welsh law so do take Scottish law advice on your situation.

Well done for posting, and the counselling you have had, recognise that you are already in a process of taking the steps you need to take by getting your head in order like this. You are already doing it, and like pp says, courage will come and go up and down as you go. Just one thing at a time.

Re contact, do you feel that he can have safe unsupervised contact? The first step would be to see a solicitor, you can do that now for a free initial consultation, and see if you are entitled to legal aid. Likely first step would be solicitor writing to him to say what you propose is in the best interests of your son. So that letter could say explicitly that you want custody and how long you think he should see his dad for. It could stipulate that if you believe ex to have been drinking that contact is cancelled. Things like that, then he’d have to respond. If no agreement can be reached it can be taken to court and sometimes an independent person would be appointed by the court to assess.