Lying in a relationship

[justanotherboymum]

I need some opinions on whether I'm overreacting here. When I kissed my partner this morning he tasted of cigarette smoke, I said 'have you been smoking?!' He looked me in the eye and said no. We discussed for a few minutes and I said sorry for accusing you, I don't even care if you smoked, how weird you tasted of it. Had a nice day. Later when I was alone I thought more about it and thought I'm not crazy, that was definitely cigarette smoke so asked him again and said please don't lie to me and he said yes I did smoke a cigarette. I got very upset saying he knows how important being honest to each other is (I have been lied to in the past) and I don't know why he'd lie and think it's ok. He turned it around on me saying I'm overreacting, we've had a nice day annd he doesn't know why I'm bringing this up and it's not ok to talk to him like he's a child. Am I overreacting for being upset? I just don't feel we should lie to each other (especially about something I don't even care about!!)

A liar is a liar. It would concern me.

Is he a smoker or had he been?

He used to smoke many years ago and vaped and recently quit vaping. I know he worried he was going to fail at quitting vaping. I've been very supportive saying it's ok if he isn't successful quitting and that it's great he's trying to and if he does go back to vaping just to be honest with me.

Been there done that, let him get on with it. I’ve given up with confronting him if I smell smoke. As long as it’s not near me or the kids
but yes I agree the small lies are pathetic , they’re too weak to just tell the truth and deal with the consequences

The thing is I wouldn't have given him a hard time about it! He's smoked in front of me in the past and I said nothing. It's the lying. I would feel guilty lying to my partner personally. He knows how important honesty is to me. No apology for lying, just making out that I'm the problem

Lying is not ok in a relationship OP.

If you know he has lied about this you can be sure he lies about other things. You can't trust him.

Maybe he is feeling shame or guilt … don’t swear the small stuff.

Jesus unclench!!!

The thing is you say you don’t care about it but clearly you do care because you immediately interrogated him about it once you tasted it and probably made him thing you were spoiling for a fight.

If you genuinely didn’t care, you’d taste it and assume he smoked and just move on with your life!

If my husband said I tasted like smoke I’d say sorry for the taste, I wouldn’t let him accuse me of smoking though as it’s none of his business.

As long as you’re not being controlling and beasting him about it I can’t see why he’d lie, that’s odd behaviour.

Lying is someone’s inadvertent way advertising a big flaw in the way they treat reality. This will only hurt you. You can choose to ignore what this tells you about him but you can’t ignore the consequences of pretending you don’t know that he doesn’t treat reality the same way you do. In a situation where his ego is threatened he is quite comfortable pulling the rug out and making you doubt yourself.

Seems a mix of responses of me overreacting but also a red flag!

This. A minor fib. 🤷‍♀️

I can't understand why a smoker would think that their partner wouldn't know they were smoking - for a non-smoker it absolutely stinks.

I am not sure it's possible to insist that DH literally never lies. Most people lie sometimes. Try to find out why he did it. Perhaps he feels pressured by you in some way? I am not at all saying that he's right and you're wrong, but the lying means something that may be better out in the open.

Pick your battles with him I say. I’d let this one go