Should I give my marriage another chance for the children's sake?

[SoFeMum]

Hi, I need to vent/ask for some advice/support about my marriage.

I’ve been married since 2020, two children born in 2022 and 2024. Last November I moved out of the family home with my children and have been in a rental since.

I left him for an accumulation of reasons and after some therapy I’ve realised I’ve been the ‘walk away wife’. His priorities were always work, nights out and golf before me and the children. I found out I’d lost a baby and he went to work the next day, and then went out on a planned night out, no support for me at all, being at home with a just turned 1 year old and a dead baby in my belly. That was the point when I knew he wasn’t the man for me. There are many many many other examples but that one felt unforgivable. He’s never made me feel attractive or appreciated but I’ve found flirty and inappropriate messages to other women on his phone. He has a temper, we parent different, he’s judgmental. I’ve always tried to please him with 100 different versions of myself and lived my life like I have an editing tool running in the background of my mind trying to be the best version of me so he doesn’t judge me and ridicule me. I know these things might sound petty and not a reason to blow mine and my children’s lives up but it’s slowly eaten away at me to the point that I had to leave or I’d have gone insane.

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, he asked for a second chance and to prove he’s changed. He said some manipulative things about how bitter the divorce will be if I don’t try again and how we won’t be friends for the kids sake, and I agreed try again through floods of tears, knowing it wasn’t what I wanted. I went back for 2 nights when it was our daughter’s 4th birthday, and she was opening her birthday presents and trying to show him and he was on his phone the whole time and when I asked what he was doing….an online module for work!!!! Proof he can’t change.

I’m struggling with the guilt now, if I don’t give him a second chance, will I be doing what’s best for my kids? Do I owe them the chance to have a family life with two parents and to give it one last shot, even though the love has gone? Can the love come back?

Also, this is his 2nd marriage, he’s 18 years older than me, can I really do this to him and make him start over again at the age of 52 😔 but I’m only 34, I’m not sure I can do this for a lifetime.

Anyone had similar experience? Any ways to overcome the guilt? Or am I actually the selfish person he’s told me I am and I should be working at it.

52 he is not going to become this father figure you thought he would be , if he is like he is now

when your dd is 13 and her hormones are kicking in , he will be 61 have zero tolerance and want a quite life.

Theres a reason why he’s divorced? and he’s probably not told you the truth why

He sounds toxic and awful. Leave him for good. I wonder why his first marriage broke down, I suspect he was a crappy husband/man then, too.

He's a mean nasty old man. You and the children would be much better off without him

Run. As fast as you can.

I’m also the child of parents who stayed together “for the kids” and agree with PPs that you shouldn’t do it. It creates a horrible home environment and sets a bad example of marriage

Thank you all so much for the wise words and words of support. I told him yesterday I don’t want to try again, and that’s the decision I’ve made for the children and myself. He said it’s not what’s best for the children and that I know that too. But I didn’t explain myself, that bits been done. I know it’s a long journey ahead now. But as someone said in the replies, he’s going to be difficult whether I’m with him or not, and at least if I’m not with him then I have the possibility of other opportunities. I know it’s the right decision and I feel like a stone has been lifted out of my chest.

Well done op. Sounds like he may continue to be nasty, so the next step i’d recommend for you to is to speak to a solicitor asap. Best of luck 💐

My ex was divorced twice by 40. There are reasons these men are left/dumped. Not your problem.

Did you get the term “ walkaway wife” from mysoginistic/ sexist men on YouTube or something?

You are exposing your daughters to a rude, self- obsessed man as a father figure. If you don’t want them to think this is normal leave him. They will learn self-respect from you.

He sounds awful. If anything- do you think he took advantage of you since you are so much younger get than him?

Be careful when you leave him. He doesn’t sound like a safe person.

Ah! Sorry, didn’t see your update. Glad you made this decision and hope you leave your therapist if they labelled you with that weird term.

Definitely leave.

50% of the time in a happy, calm and loving home is better than 100% of the time in a home with tension, stress and latent sadness.

Also this really made me feel sad for you:
"can I really do this to him and make him start over again at the age of 52"

He has done this to himself. Literally all he had to do was focus on his tiny daughter on her birthday and not on his phone. He could have made the smallest effort ever and you'd probably have wavered more but he couldn't be bothered to do even that. Men that selfish and disinterested don't deserve happy family lives. The happiness in the household clearly all comes from you and your hard work to give your children happy lives. He has realised this and only wants you back so he doesn't have to do anything himself.

No no no. He is awful. Don’t go backwards. You’ve made so much progress. He has not.

OP, for the children’s sake DON’T stay with him! He horrible to you and a lousy father to them. You and DC deserve better.

He said some manipulative things about how bitter the divorce will be if I don’t try again and how we won’t be friends for the kids sake

This is not a good husband and father and you would be better off not to have him in your life as far as is possible.

My mum was back and forth to and from her husband (I struggle to call him my father) because my grandparents said that she should try to reconcile for the sake of children. And I promise you it did nothing "for the children" except to give me a model for my own adult relationships which took years to unravel.
As to "I can't do this to him"... seriously? You are not doing anything to him. He is doing it to himself. He absolutely shouldn't start again. He should remain single.

"Walkaway Wife" was a term coined by a psychologist, dont ask who cos I cant remember. It means women who are not emotionally cared for, listened to or supported in the home and with kids, so they are carrying most of the physical load and all of the mental load alone. As they are left to do more and more, the resentment kills the love until eventually she realises that there is no point to him being in her life so she leaves him.

I personally dont think it is misogynistic at all.