Why is it so hard to leave a maybe emotionally abusive husband?

[WhenImAlone]

I am in such a weird place right now. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like my brain seperates my husband into 2 different versions, so once I get the nice one, I "forget" all the asshole-y things.

This man refuses to hold my hand in public until I lose 80lbs. He won't kiss me until I lose the same amount. He gets mad that I won't let him lay on top of me to the point where it hurts. He's allowed to complain about every piece of me, but I can't complain about him. The minute I do, it becomes a bad wife moment where I won't let him love on me.

There's the other side as well...the side that has been meaner to me than any other person in my life. The one who left me alone both times I gave birth, and called back one of those times to yell at me. The side that hit me and almost swerved off the side of the road (never hit me again, though). The one that has told me that every bad thing that has happened in his life is bc of me. I make him hate his life; I turned him into a sad, stressed, lazy man when he used to be so motivated. The one that has called me every bad name in the book. The one who doesn't let me relax in my own home...my home where I have to change the way I walk, the way I talk. The one who "forgets" all the things that make him out to be the bad guy, so it therefore didn't happen. The one who "jokes" about taking my daughter away from me if we ever did seperate...

Then there's the other side. The one who demands cuddles and buys me random gifts and wants to make sure I feel okay. The one who cuddles with his babygirl and tells his son how much he loves him and his family. The one I see most often in the morning when he doesn't fully wake up.

Everyone I talk to tells me to divorce him. That it's toxic or emotional abuse, and there's a huge part of me that wants to. Even when I know that we aren't good together, why is it so hard to pull the plug? What has to happen for it to finally click in my head that I have to have a backbone for once?

He isn’t maybe emotionally abusive

He is absolutely and categorically awful

Sending huge love, I spent 36 years in a relationship where the last 16 were exactly the same, the walking on eggshells, the blame for everything bad in his life.

Only you can decide what your "no more" is, mine was when my daughter was screaming for the neighbours to call the police as he tried to push me down the stairs.

I have found there is a lot of help out there, although you might have to search, but please make that first step and call women's aid or your county's DV support services and find out about your options about keeping yourself and your children safe.

I kept waiting for it to get better but it never did so please be careful and safe, sending huge love x

You need to get some help seeing this relationship for what it is and loving / valuing yourself. You deserve so much better.

<edited as I misread the first paragraph>

Because change is scary and if he's abusive, you know he's going to be difficult and obstructive during the separation. But if you could just see the peace and freedom that is waiting on the other side, you would take the plunge.

Your children are growing up in an abusive household. However much you try and shield them, it will be damaging them. They will feel the tension and absorb the atmosphere when you are walking on eggshells trying to fend off the next incidence of abuse, be that emotional, mental, verbal or physical. You owe it to yourself and them to get away from this abusive man. They are watching and learning what a relationship is - and they are not getting a good example of a healthy relationship. They deserve a mum who is happy, at peace and safe.

Only you have the power to make the break from him. You can make the choice to leave, they are helpless and cannot. You are stronger than you know - look what you have endured and you are still standing!

Please contact Women's Aid - they will support you and help you make a plan to leave.

womensaid.org.uk/

its not your fault he is abusive and abuse creeps up on people unawares.

Your marriage to him is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you, and in turn your children. He is emotionally harming them also by sending them mixed messages; they are likely to be very quiet or subservient around him out of attempting not be his next target of abuse. Don’t get fooled again by his attempts at being nice to his kids. You see all this and go awww what a nice man when infact he is anything but.

It’s not easy to leave because people hope for improvement . However there is no improvement - only further abuse. As years pass it can feel
even harder to leave. Abuse is NOT a relationship issue, it’s about power and control.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make choices with you and they in mind: not him.

I would second contacting Women’s Aid as they can and will help. Consider too seeking legal advice as knowledge is power.

‘What has to happen for it to finally click in my head that I have to have a backbone for once?’

The fact you have to protect your daughter from this asap

Look up trauma bonds and the book, Why does he do that.

The reason you are finding it so hard to leave him is because over the years you have become ‘ not you’ .
He is a narcissist- Read up on narcissism- and you will find the strength to leave.
as other posters have said- contact women’s aid. And leave - and never go back. He will cry, try to manipulate & swear he will change - he won’t - ever.
on the other side of this is peace & freedom .
it’s good that people are saying to leave him alone. They will be on your side & will support you .

As pp suggests, read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?".

It's the good bits that keep you in the relationship, if it was all shit, all the time, you wouldn't stay would you? It's a well used mechanism by abusive men. See also love bombing and trauma bonds.

You'll leave him when it clicks that the ''nice' version of him is just an act - the abusive arsehole is the real him.
Just to let you know, it's not you. You've done nothing wrong. He is just an abusive man.
Sorry, edited to add. You also find it difficult to leave as he's ground your confidence down, to the point you don't think you have the strenght to leave him. or cope with the aftermath.