Should I step back for now?

[HappyMondayAll]

Good morning, I've name changed for this.

Just look for any opinions, advice, guidance on this.

I'm divorced, two DC, pretty amicable although my ex can be a man child at times but on the whole not the worst divorce in history. I met a lovely guy about four months ago, he is in the middle of his divorce which is quite fraught to say the least. They live in the same house as he can't afford to move out until the house is divided, he is also afraid of leaving as he feels he might lose access to the kids.

We started dating but real feelings have developed on both sides. I have had no reason to doubt that his marriage is over, we regularly go away for weekends together and nights during the week when we don't have our DC.

However, his ex is quite controlling and disrespectful to him as a co-parent. I've seen the texts etc. His ex wants 100% custody of the kids even though they share them 50:50 in the house at present. She constantly berates him as a father. He is really afraid of losing his kids. So he bows down to her, tries to keep her happy, over explains and can at times be quite dictated by her treatment of him.

While I get his fears around custody, I don't believe she has any grounds for full custody. I have asked him to draw a boundary around him and his dealings with her being anything other than a co-parent given he is with me or I said I would like to step back until he sorts things out. He didn't want to slow things down and he did create a good boundary for a while however lately I've seen him regress again and I am not happy. He seems to think the divorce will be a magic wand for his dealings with her, I sense unless he looks for respect, his life will be a living hell and I'm not so sure I want to go along for the ride!

Any advice is welcome. I am on paper foolish to be involved with him given he is still in the same home as her, I know that. I really didn't expect to fall for him so quick and vice versea.

It sounds quite likely that his divorce and custody battle is going to be long and painful. Even if he's awarded 50:50 that doesn't mean that his ex will automatically roll over and cooperate. Hopefully she will but if she doesn't then he could spend years repeatedly going back to court to get it enforced.

If I were in your shoes I'd probably and very regretfully be thinking of walking away. His life is going to be shit-show for a while.

I would step back for now, yes..

He is not in the same place as you, though. The middle of a tumultuous divorce, head all over the place, things like residency and contact with the children not yet defined or agreed, still living together... emotionally, he is not in the right place for a new relationship when his current one isn't even over yet. There is a chance that this is transference for him, he's looking for some confirmation that things will be ok in the future; a distraction. That doesn't mean he's lying about what he says or would he doing it maliciously,

It could work out but it'll be a rough road ahead for quite some time when your relationship should still be in the warm, fuzzy, getting to know you in a comfortable way.

You run the risk of advising and counselling him through his divorce and issues with the children or ongoing conflict with his wife/ex wife.

He needs to get his life in order before jumping into bed with anyone else.

And from what you've said, he has a long way to go before this happens.

I wouldn't just step back, I'd throw him back as it could be a couple of years before his life is sorted enough to enter into another relationship.

I don't know why so many people rush into another relationship, especially when there are kids involved.

Yes it doesn't sound as though he's ready for a relationship just yet so I'd agree with you and take a step back.

Where did you meet him? I'm surprised he's out there looking for someone to date so soon. I'd be suspicious he was lining up somewhere to live after the divorce.

I'd be suspicious he was lining up somewhere to live after the divorce.

My thoughts exactly.

Too much baggage for a new relationship. Step away OP x

All this has only happened in four months???
Until he moves out this man is not in a position to be dating or anything close. Particularly as there are dependent children in the mix. He needs to concentrate on his children and finding a sensible way out of his marriage.

I wouldn't want my life impacted by this level of stress and drama. Step back and stay in touch if you want to.I wouldn't see much of a future as things stand.

I have earned my peace the hard way and I don't particularly want to be in the middle of a toxic ex situation. I also don't feel he is managing it as well as he could from a legal perspective.

No, I haven't gotten a vibe about him trying to move in with me or anything. That wouldn't be happening on my side for a very long time anyway. He hasn't met my kids and I won't be letting that happen until I am 100% as sure as I can be about him.

I guess I need to have a very honest chat with him.

Definitely step back, it's only been a few months so you may have feelings but presumably not madly deeply in love.

I personally wouldn't have started dating someone living with their ex, didn't that in itself give you pause for thought? It's bound to be messy and complicated.

What do you mean when you say he needs to draw a boundary and only have dealings with her about co-parenting? What else is happening that takes it further than that?

Sorry OP. I think you will regret it if you persevere with this relationship. Bad timing and a guy who falls over his feet trying to justify himself to his stbx.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I'd be wary of any man who was looking to enter another relationship so soon after a split, especially if he was complaining about his ex, showing you her text messages and is willing to make his divorce difficulties your problem to advise on/solve.

Keep him casual (or avoid altogether!). At 4 months in you don't want to be taking any responsibility for how he handles his divorce/ co-parenting relationship/ child care.... back way off and disentangle yourself from those aspects of his life.

Don't play so fast and loose with your life. Yes, foolish on paper is letting your heart override your brain. The best relationships will have your heart and brain agreeing with each other.

You're now sucked into his negative orbit. Absolutely no reason to do this to yourself. And you technically can't be "dating" a married man, even if he plans to divorce. This is all toxic energy you're caught up in, having to hear it from him, seeing the texts, and if the woman is so toxic and controlling, she could eventually make you a target as well.

If your goal is to find a lifetime companion, you can find a guy who is just like you, single or already divorced, fully free of ex drama, financially stable, and if he has kids, has an amicable arrangement with custody.

As for this guy, I'd tell him that when he's divorced and if everything's running well with custody, that's when he can once again contact you and if you're single, you can meet up to discuss a future. But until then, there will be no contact.

Do not stay in contact. This will keep you bonded and your heart will not feel free to seek out a decent partner. If you haven't been meeting decent single guys lately, put more work into that with Meetup.com groups, a new hobby guys frequent, etc.

Also, the fact you think he's lovely is probably quite unrealistic. You don't have the stress of paying bills with him, seeing if his ethics match yours in every major way since you'd be unable to see all that under the circumstances he's living in at the moment. In these cases, he's not some gem who happened to have a partner 99 percent at fault for all their problems.

Think of your kids in this situation, if they were dealing as adults with a new person in their life like this. Wouldn't you advise them it's not a good idea?

Yes I would step back. Until the divorce is sorted and he's not sharing a house with her, I wouldn't want to be involved. If he's serious about you, it should mean he'll be keen to get it sorted. But if he's reluctant to stand up to his ex, I think you're probably flogging a dead horse here. He's not really free while he's allowing her to dictate terms and afraid of upsetting the status quo. Does he want 50/50 custody?

You have kids.

Why would you bring a still married BF still living with a high conflict spouse into your life?

His priorities should be getting his life in order, move out, divorce, and get court orders regarding custody instead of dating a new GF and risking her bring drawn into his chaotic life. That's going to take a while and he could have conflict for years. Do you want your kids exposed to that kind of conflict?

There's also a whiff of the crazy ex story here and you haven't known him long enough to know whether he's being honest or blowing smoke up your ass.

Why not tell him you'll see him when he's settled into single life and got his divorce and finances and custody issues sorted?

I'll also add that it's wise, which he's not doing, to put his kids first at a time like this. I'd always advise to a parent, even who's just recently divorced, not to date for a good long while, because it's a lot, emotionally, on a child. And so the parent should be devoting all their free time to helping the children adjust to the new family dynamic.

Kids aren't usually oblivious. They know if a parent's focus is very much elsewhere, such as his with you. And they will be very confused if Dad has a new lady when he's still in the household with Mom. Plus, he's spending money on these weekends away when he should be working on being frugal, figuring out cutting costs, because his financial situation is about to get a whole lot worse.

He's lacking in emotional intelligence from what you've described. Maybe how he got himself into the pickle he's in now.