Am I stuck co-parenting in an unhappy marriage until my son is grown?

[YourAquaLion]

I’m trapped here aren’t I? Until my son is fully grown?

My husband is an excellent playmate to our 5yo son, but our marriage has been miserable basically since he was born, and I’ve slowly gone from heartbroken to giving up and wishing I could either be alone or find a new relationship. I’ve posted about this before as we sleep in separate rooms due to him not sleeping well, despite knowing I’m really sad about it. We very rarely have sex and only if I instigate it (I’ve stopped trying as sometimes he’s too tired to finish if you know what I mean).

He’s a very nice person and everyone who knows him really likes him. I don’t think he’s a bad person but I believe we have grown apart and want to do life in different ways. I’m very sociable, he prefers his own company. He’s always moaning about getting old, losing fitness, how tired he is from work. I am empathetic to him but I just want to enjoy life and make the most of what we’ve got rather than lament that we aren’t as fit as we once were. He makes me feel guilty for getting out and about, having one evening out per week and doing weekends away (one per month or less), but this is how I want to live my life and it keeps me sane. I’ve told him he’s perfectly fine to do the same but he just doesn’t ever organise it.

I organise everything to do with our son’s childcare and clubs and library etc. I do all our sons washing (stopped doing DH cos he never did it) and I am chief meal organiser, packed lunch maker and chef. But he is brilliant at doing DIY, making a huge playground in the garden, playing with our son and making things with him which I do very much appreciate. Different skills. I’d love him to take an interest in cooking tho to share the load!

I’ve always wanted to live in a mountainous place and recently he said he’s also been thinking seriously about that (because he hates the heat of the recent heatwaves) but maybe in 6 years. We will have paid off our mortgage in two years. He works in London one day per week so this would be much harder on him than me, I can work anywhere. His mum is 80 and also lives locally so she’d be very sad to stop her weekly visits. So I don’t think this will ever happen.

I feel we are basically co-parenting right now, tag teaming and doing a good job of raising our boy and loving him dearly. It would make things very hard if I moved out and if our kid had to live with only one of us that would destroy the other one, and his mum.

So I’m basically trapped here aren’t I? Until my kid hits 18, in this house, in this place, because I don’t want to leave our child. And I don’t want to take our child away from him. Aren’t I?

I’m thinking of saying to him that we need to separate but stay living together and I will start dating. But that sounds really difficult and very hard. And I’m not as likely to find someone who really shares my interests here as it’s not the place I yearn to live in.

Sometimes I’m fine but then these feelings keep on building up. If we didn’t have a child together we would definitely have split by now. He thinks divorce is the worst thing you can do to a kid. I do not agree, but I can’t see a good way out of this one. Maybe after our mortgage is paid off? But then I still can’t live in the place I want to as I can’t leave my son or take him away from his dad. And I don’t want to leave my son.

Are there any other options people can think of? Thanks! Feeling so stuck.

It sounds like you are no longer invested in this relationship that doesn’t serve your needs but you want to continue to make a good childhood for your son and see your DH as important in that.

You seem to have presented the options for a split as you both stay in your current house together or your DH stays near London and you move somewhere mountainous. These both sound like very impractical arrangements. If you split it would make much more sense to be within half an hour of each other, anywhere where your DH can continue to get to London once a week. That’s a huge search area. Once a week is not very often and your options are vast.

But you don’t need to have the practical details worked out yet, in any case. It’s more about making a decision and working out the timing of that decision. If your dc is about to start school in September then that’s a key factor. I would be very reluctant to move him.

Does sound as if you have boxed yourself into a corner if you won’t live apart!

Dating with him in the house sounds like a rubbish idea, I don’t know how you could even think about parading men infront of him, thats just cruel and although he’s a very nice man, surely he would not be happy with this arrangement.

if you are unhappy you’ll have to bite the bullet and separate. Another 13 years of this doesnt sound sustainable.

I’d say there is a lot of potential for this to improve, actually. Is it worth trying to do something more about the sleep and reinstate being in the same room?

If I’m honest I feel for him a bit. He does sound like a good Dad, you’ve chosen well there. Maybe if you both felt less stressed it could help. Could you book a mountainous holiday? I have a friend who says the only thing that keeps her sane is camping in the Alps every year.

You can't live together separately long term. It's workable for a few months while you sell the house but not longer. Many parents don't see their child every day and it's realoy fine. Would your H actually want close to 50/50 if you weren't there to do the hard work? Chances are you'd end up with him being an EOW parent anyway.

Thanks guys, I was thinking one week on one week off might work, but we’d still have to live close so our son can attend school. So I can’t move to the mountains if he doesn’t want to. The 6 years wait would be for DS to start secondary school as everyone changes at this point anyway.

Thanks to the person who said resurect the marriage. Every time I feel this way we have a chat but nothing ever changes. I can’t make him sleep in the same bed as me and I can’t make him want to be intimate with me. As I said I’ve gone from heartbroken to giving up with this. I feel so unloved, and like he’s only with me because of our son.

I could stay until we pay off the mortgage then both by smaller houses here I suppose.

id never be parading men in front of him in this house, id just go out on dates.

"I feel so unloved, and like he’s only with me because of our son."

Does he feel the same way?

"very time I feel this way we have a chat but nothing ever changes."

I suspect it never will so it's time to decide what is best for you and your son. Your son might be relieved if you do separate if there is constant underlying tension in the house and no real love. It isn't a great role model for him.

Would he consider marriage counselling?

It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it with the dating to be honest.

If my husband suggested to me that we split, live together and I keep contributing as is…. but he shags about, it would be a firm no thanks.

I agree about counselling if it’s an option. My dp has the best divorce ever, which is partly because his ex is a really nice woman and partly because they spent a year in counselling.

The trouble with saying you’ll only go on dates - I agree with the approach but as you start seeing people they will turn out to be people with priorities of their own. Not that you will end up bringing them back because they say so, but you will inevitably change and want to do things differently because they are in your life.

It can be done, I started dating while still living with my ex. We got hotels or stayed at their place. Some people won't believe you that you've split though.