How do you handle and cope with seeing family

[Namechangeee2222]

I don't even know how to explain this. So please bare with me and please be kind.

I don't like spending time with my fathers side of the family. However I don't want to go no contact with my father. We've come very far in how it used to be.

My father cheated on my mother (my mother was very controlling to him before that and my mother's family were toxic so I don't speak to my mother's side). There was a lot of resentment from me towards my father with the cheating throughout my teens. He was very nasty to me and took it out on me when he was cheating on my mother. My step mother has made comments here and there towards me. She sometimes doesn't think before she speaks. My father and step mother keep a lot of their plans from me, yet they like to know all of my plans. They question my money yet I wouldn't dare question theirs. They call me weird if I don't like a certain food but it won't be a joke. One of my step brothers sometimes twists my conversations to make me look weird or that I'm not making sense. My step mother announced and shouted to her wider family extremely loudly that I'm deaf in one ear when I arrived to their house. This was the first time I had met her wider family. It was the first thing she said when I arrived and walked into the room. My Step brother comments on what food I like or questions why I ordered a particular dish. I will be telling my father a story about anything and he will make a comment about it half way through my story then walk off. They will say "why can't you do this for a holiday" when I simply cannot afford it. They say "oh it's not that much why can't you afford it" I'm a single parent trying to make ends meet.

They exhaust me.

I'm sorry. I've ranted. I don't have any other way of explaining it.

My teenage daughter has always disliked them. They've done nothing wrong to her personally as she's told me they haven't. I asked her why she doesn't like them and she said it's the way they treat me. So even my daughter has picked up on it. My daughter is at an age now where she can go out herself. She's 17. And she will avoid going over there.

I forgot to add. When my daughter was born my father and I had started to build up a good relationship for the first time in my life. Its been amazing since for 17 years. But the last year or so I've felt awful resentment to him. My step mother and step brothers have always done what they've done but more so recently.

How much time do you spend with them? Could you work on reducing it a little without going no contact?

I struggle with some of my family sometimes and like you, don't want to cut them out, but they exhaust me for various reasons I won't go into.

I find that a few things help -

1. Living quite far away so we can't just pop over
2. When we do visit, only staying a couple of nights, or staying locally in an AirBnB rather than in their house
3. Polite but firm boundaries (this is hard but I've got better at it).
4. Lots of mindful self talk/ meditation etc
5. Having a good friend/ husband/ someone to rant to who understands the situation - I offload to my DH, he listens, and then I manage to 'reset' myself. It's not super healthy but it's a coping strategy and he calms me down!

I do feel for you, it's awful isn't it? It's neither anything to do with you nor anything. It's like all these bad feelings have been dumped on you. I send you my peace. This happened to me years ago, I have no bad feelings for anyone and pray for them every day but I decided to move away. My peace matters. All the very best

Why don't you arrange to spend time with your dad without the wider family being present, just doing something the two of you even if its going for a walk, meeting up for a coffee maybe including your daughter.
You aren't obliged to play happy families with them all especially if you don't really like them all,its not essential but sounds pretty normal to me, not all families get along all of the time, there's such a diverse mix that it's almost going to be some friction at some time.
I would get my big " shoulder" pads on,a crash hat and a big smile, and brush the unkind comments off, don't let them bother you and get yourself some " nice" friends for your self and your sanity.

I would tell your dad how you feel and tell him you'll only see him without his wife etc there.

op sadly this dynamic isn’t unusual but by the very nature of your childhood you’re taking on the responsibility of other people’s behaviour.

the answer to unloving parents is always the same, fill your life with loving adults regardless of dna and the unloving relationships will just fall away as you spend more time feeling loved. The answer is never found within the family. You just need to trust what you have seen and know you are worth being cherished and adored.

I don’t have anything to do with them. I wouldn’t want anything to do with yours either, especially if my own child didn’t like them. They sound awful. My approach is, if this was a romantic relationship, would I be happy to be treated this way? If the answer is no, there’s no way I’m tolerating it from family. I don’t like them, so I don’t have a relationship with them.

Could you try just changing the nature of how you spend time with your dad? So that's Like, could you just meet him for a cuppa and cake or a walk or something that means it's just you and him, and severely limit opportunities of having to see the step family? You don't have to spend time with people who are not nice to you.

Honestly I would have nothing to do with them, arrange to see your father separately away from his home. They don’t act like a decent family so don’t treat them as such. If your dad queries it explain to him that it is clear they dislike you so it’s best for everyone if you don’t spend time with his wife and her family. You have no obligation to spend time with them. Hopefully he will understand if he struggled with your mum’s family.