Partner messaged ex

[blackflowers25]

On Saturday night my partner received a message on his phone. He tried to hide it from me and when I asked him about it, he said it was his ex wishing him happy birthday.
He told me how they have been messaging now and again. He said there is nothing in it but hadn’t told me to protect me as he knows I’m a worrier.
For background, she left him and he took it hard. I started going out with him after my husband left me after 26 years. Both lost souls who found comfort in eachother.
My heart says he was doing nothing wrong. My head tells me to cut my losses and end things.
I really don’t know what to do.

He’s not over her. This is very dangerous ground . I wouldn’t like this at all op

Some people stay friends with their exes and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. But if you're not ok with that, tell him you're not comfortable with them messaging each other and ask him to block her.

How long since they split and how long you been together?

It’s the trying to hide it that’s the issue. She may feel nothing and is just friendly messaging but if he’s hiding it he either hopes something will come of it, thinks you’d be really annoyed or both. I would be fine with a partner messaging an ex but not hiding it.

I’d explain you’re not keen because of potential feelings still there and is he willing to stop contact. If he says he doesn’t want to you would probably be best to end things as he’s likely not over her.
The fact that he blamed you for the reason he didn’t tell you is concerning. He didn’t tell you because he wanted to do it.

We’ve been together just over a year. They split about 2.5 years ago. They had been together 15 years.
I’m tempted to ask to read the messages so I can decide how innocent it is, but I’m cautious this is a bad idea

it doesn’t sound like they ended amicably if he was gutted about it and 15 years was a long relationship. Guessing there’s no ties like kids or anything else to sort out after 2.5 years now so if I had any respect for you he wouldn’t be in contact with her .

He was honest enough to tell you that it was his ex that texted but hiding his phone isn’t great. I think you need to explain how you feel and that if he would like to share the messages that might help you. Also explain would he like your ex to get in touch with you? Relationships are built on trust but this might just be a bump in the road

Op I can see why that would worry you. That being said this isn't all bad. Perhaps its totally genuine, they have exchanged a few messages and he didn't want to worry you.
If your relationship is other wise good, just tell him the truth. The messaging bas made you feel uncomfortable and would it be possible.to see the content of the messages just to out your mind at rest. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know. If he genuinely cares about you and your feelings he will show you.

In this situation I think id need him to never speak to her again. Assuming there's no children between them, any friendly chatting is likely to lead to hurt on all sides. He is not totally invested in the relationship between you and misses his ex but he will get hurt again, she could get hurt of course and you probably already are hurt. He needs to end this emotionally for himself and decide if he's really moved on or not. If he hasnt then you are wasting your time. A no contact rule is the correct test here, anything else will be slow heartbreak for you and its unlikely to work out for them either.

Wow I’m the ex of someone now in a new relationship I can’t imagine not ever being able to send him a happy birthday text again. We had 15 years together why shouldn’t I send him a happy birthday or get an update on his kids?

If it ended amicably and his new partner knows you both text here and there and is fine with it then its not a problem. But the OP says they split up 2.5 years ago and now they have started messaging-something he was hiding from her. Thats quite different.

If you need to read the messages then you don’t trust him… that should be all you need to know. You don’t have to read messages for that. I wouldn’t be happy that he didn’t tell me he’s kept in touch with her

For me it’s keeping it a secret that is the issue

I’ve been to see him. I asked to see the messages and he wouldn’t. I’ve ended it

Sorry op
This tells you all you need to know
well done for being so decisive and not letting it drag out

Well done op. If he got even more cagey about it, it sounds like he’s got some unresolved feelings there. Sorry it went that way but well done for ripping the plaster off and not prolonging it!

Sorry to hear it all ended op. It’s possible that the messages contain words that may hurt you, such us how much he thinks of her or misses her, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’d want to get back with her (or her with him). However, not showing you the messages and loosing the relationship as a result is silly of him.
Each case is different. This is my experience of exes:

• one ex would text his ex to tell her how much he thought about her, etc. I found the messages, didn’t mention it and it never went anywhere. When I broke up with him (years later) and he met his current wife, he used to message me about how much he missed me. But he wouldn’t have cheated or anything, he was just a ‘grass is greener’ sort of guy.
• one ex slept with his gf throughout his relationship with me. I found out, the relationship ended. He didn’t go back to her, even though I know she wanted that.
• current ex is open about sometimes missing his ex (they’d been togeher 10 years) but they are not in touch. It stings a bit but I am glad we can be so honest with eachother. I also sometimes think about one of my exes from many years ago. We were with these people for many years, relationships ended amicably, so I wouldn’t expect him (or allow a man to ask me), to simply forget about someone who used to play such an important part of my life. I think it’s ok to miss someone but never want to get back with them. But I know I’m in minority.

“Current ex”? That’s a bit pessimistic. Is the thinking like My Last Duchess?