I am sick and tired of sisters behaviour

[Summertime2006]

We used to get on when we were younger and then she had children. Since having her children ive seen how selfish she is. She puts herself first before them.

Last year she had an affair. She told me without any prompts and put me in an awful position. Her then partner and my parents were asking if I knew anything as she was acting suspicious. I had to lie, I couldnt be the one to tell them. She eventually left her children's dad, it was all her own choices. She is still will her affair partner and its toxic they argue all the time. Luckily her children havent met him. He is also our parents age.

Ever since meeting this guy her behaviour has got worse. Its like he comes before anything. Today we were suppose to be going to a family day event. At the time we arranged she cancelled saying she didnt feel well. I knew it was a lie. My DC then was on their own and they were looking forward to seeing their cousins. He was quite sad. I feel really sorry for him, he has had a tough time over the past week and this would have cheered him up. Even if she had text earlier to say she weren't going i could have planned something else to do with DC. Only reason we booked a ticket was because she was going.

I asked why she weren't coming. Her answer was she had an argument with her new bf. She couldn't come because she was so upset about it. She was also upset because her ex is now with someone else and she is finding it hard. Even though she cheated and left. Again putting her own feelings before anyone else.

Just went on social media and she popped up. Shes booked herself an experience today. Lovely for her but what about her kids who had to be stuck in all day because of her mood.
She doesn't work. So don't know how she is paying for this.
I've just had enough. Every single thing is about her.
She never texts me and asks how I am, it's about her dramas. Never invites me to do stuff. Its me doing that. Never does anything for me. Its all take.

The only thing is if I cut her off my DC doesn't get to see his cousins anymore.

I just currently have so much anger towards her and I really want to text her some home truths but if I do then I don't think we could have any relationship and neither would my DS with his cousins.

Should I tell her the truth about how I feel or should I ignore her? I feel bad about cutting off my DC cousins

I think you judge her harshly. Her personal life is her own affair really. You can not approve and that's fine but its not exactly a reason to fall out. It sounds more like the real problem is you cant cope with her drama. Your life is stable presumably and hers is all over the place. The most mature way to deal with this is to take a step back. You are overly worried about your DC having his cousins but his relationship with his cousins is up to your sister too. Its not your job to keep everything going. Start arranging things with his friends instead and keep some distance between you. Its ok to just do that. I dont think a confrontation has any value here. It's not really appropriate either. Your opinions are personal. Yes, she might seem selfish to cancel something which has been arranged but she hasnt done anything else 'wrong' you just cant be around her drama and that's fair enough. Don't get into it!

You seem very enmeshed with her.

Take a big step back. Cultivate other friendships for yourself and your DC.

Just step back. Don’t be available. The relationship will end. Could you have taken her kids out on the day they missed out on ?

How old are your sisters DC? Its clear your sister leads a different life here.

Step back from your sisters life. Going foward ask if you can take her kids to your house or to the park or something (hint hint) you just want the cousins to meet up or have a sleep over so they don't miss out. Anything else avoid OP!

Step back, don't make plans with her. Could you offer to have your nieces/nephews every so often so your son can see them? Just pick them up and drop them off can't see her saying no seeing how self absorbed she is.

Cultivate the relationship with her kids.. take them out leave her off..

Why would you have to cut off your child’s cousins?!

It sounds like you have organised the get together as your son was sad and needed cheering up. When your sister said she was ill, couldn’t you have invited her kids round to you for the day anyway?

Try making days out with your DC and the cousins on your own.

“We were really disappointed you couldn’t make it on Sunday, and DC was sad not to be with his cousins” and take it from there.

Make sure she knows it made you sad and there’s an expectation she shows up for pre-arranged family events.

You can’t do much more than that. I agree having an affair when you’ve got young children is very poor behaviour but you can’t change that and you are not the boss of her.

Maybe someone (your dad?)!could have a separate conversation about the wisdom of having a job and paying your way in all but the most stable of marriages to the richest of men…

Well I can't reply to her now as shes blocked me probably because I didnt reply. As i said before drama, she wants a reaction. If she really wanted to block me she would do it on social media too.

People aren't really getting the dynamics. I could have taken her children but she told us as soon as I got to the venue and we were a good 45 mins away from her by then

Her boyfriend is toxic, you said it. So he's probably controlling too. Picking a fight before she goes out so then she's too upset and "chooses" not to go, is textbook. It's emotional manipulation. I wouldn't expect her to ever meet up with you again if he's isolating her like this and she's accepting it.

I would stop enabling her. All the time you're listening to her endless relationship problems that's not solving anything, it's harming both of you. It gives her the breathing space to remain in the relationship. When what she needs is to get so fed up with him and his toxicity that she leaves him. Does she regret leaving her ex? Nothing to be done about that now.

I wouldn't keep her secrets in future, not if you're directly asked something and you value your relationship with that person asking. I'd be honest. She can deal with the fallout of her own actions, which includes her choice to tell you her secret.

If you want to see the cousins arrange things with them directly or via their dad if you're on speaking terms.

Don't concern yourself with her parenting decisions, it's really none of your business, so you need to stop caring so much and having opinions on it.

Just decide if you want a relationship with your sister or not and act accordingly. If you're about to walk away you could tell her how selfish you find her behavior to be. The worst that can happen is she cuts you off and if you were about to do that anyway 🤷‍♀️ Maybe it'll be her wake up call, you never know.

The poor kids and their dad.It's awful she's putting herself before her kids-she is an adult.
You could maybe offer to take the kids, so your son gets to see them, and they get to enjoy a day with an adult who puts their needs first. If she wanted to act like a teenager, she shouldn't have had them, so maybe only see her when you're looking after them, so she can't let you down.